Figure Diva

Hypofreakingthyroidism

2012-02-01T07:57:00.001-08:00

The lab tests are in... Not only have I been battling low iron but I have hypothyroidism, for which I have had every symptom of...
Fatigue
Sluggishness
Brain fog
Increased sensitivity to cold
Constipation
Pale, dry skin
A puffy face
An elevated blood cholesterol level <-not yet
Unexplained weight gain
Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness
Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
Muscle weakness
Heavier than normal menstrual periods
Brittle fingernails and hair
Depression and Anxiety
Thrush <- yes even Thrush
Symptoms I've had for years but never been diagnosed. I just had to blog about it because for years I have struggle with weight loss and have had to go to extremes just to get the scale moving making everyone wonder if I truly have been following the diet or protocol. Well bombshell hasn't been going as well as I would have liked, I just haven't had the energy to complete the cardio, it feels like depression and I've even had anxiety and I've thought this is ridiculous because I am in love and happy... I mean not everything is perfect in my life but I have good coping mechanisms and I can follow a freaking diet. But to push myself to workout even though I love it has felt like a mountain. Actually everything has just felt like a mountain... And I am usually a high functioning person able to juggle a lot and it has been getting harder and harder. So I finally went to the Dr. here and I really just felt when I went to see him that my iron was just not increasing with supplementation and maybe I am just plain crazy in the head. But very quickly my Dr. started questioning hypothyroid, but I told him they checked my level last year but I'm sure now they only checked a T4 and not a TSH, and my T4 was normal so they left it at that because my iron was enough to explain my symptoms other than my difficulty losing weight. He was an awesome Dr., he tested everything, including my female hormone levels and cancer markers, and everything I thought by god he's going to know I'm crazy when all of this comes up normal. To think I'm so excited to have hypothyroidism... But I am just so excited to start treatment and get rid of some of these symptoms, have the energy to workout again, and just simply be me again.
I am absolutely without a doubt sure I was competing with hypothyroidism, and am completely forgiving of every protocol I was on to get me ready for the stage... I know now there was no other way and I'm surprised now looking back I had it in me to do all I did to get me stage ready. I have to admit I was blaming the protocols for how difficult it has been to stay lean and now to get lean because my body was fighting me, yes I thought it was all the crazy contest prep, now I believe it was my thyroid all along.
This has me thinking though that I definitely do not want to compete anymore. If I can get my body back into balance and back to its skinny fat self I will be happy. You see before training for figure competitions I had some success with weight watchers and was a really skinny little size 4 with boobs... ie to the fitness world skinny fat. I did a small amount of exercise that was enjoyable like gardening and hiking, i enjoyed life but even back then I was doing everything right and my body was fighting me... So I did even more, ate less went as far as training to compete which took some of the harshest protocols and the judges still said I was too fat, my body fought me even more insert {hypofreakingthyroidism} likely the cause.
So yes I just want to be healthy and happy and be a skinny fat Biahhhtch :) and enjoy gorgeous walks on the beach like this

From our beach walk the other night!

Phantom Menace Series...

2012-01-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

If you think you want to compete, if you've ever been on a diet or 2 or 3, I highly recommend you go over to Scott Abel's site and read about his Phantom Menace Series.... This is really good stuff, if your ready to get real about your issues with weight and food. I feel like this program was written for me. But I have a feeling it may have been written for most of America. It takes some true getting real... I was not ready for this until I could admit I didn't want to compete anymore. It's been a long journey getting to this point. I couldn't walk away from this blog that was fitness inspiring, even though it was never meant to be, with out getting down to the point. I read a quote the other day that said something like... In a world with so many opportunities to be anything your wish desires, we get lost in thinking we are not there yet, it's only a reach away... and while we reach higher and higher... we miss the true opportunity and beauty of being where we already are. I love that! I also read another quote on facebook the other day, and believe me there are millions of quotes and I barely read any of them, but sometimes something jumps out at me and I really liked this one... If everyone around you is driving you nuts, it's time to stop and get over yourself... or something like that. It's so true! :)

Writing

2011-12-19T16:05:00.001-08:00

Today I read "Lost December"... And it got me thinking again... Do you ever notice in life how books tend to find you, at the right time, exactly when you need to read them. I was thinking when I first started reading this book that my son really needs to read this book, but when I got to the end I realized it was also for me. It taught me as a mother that we all have to find our own way, as much as we want to save our kids heart ache and hard lessons, it's their lives. It brought a little peace in my heart... It's so hard to watch your kids make mistakes that you feel you can save them from... And you still try... You still teach... Because someday they will hear you :)

Which brings me to people... Do you ever stop and notice the moments when people come into your life and you know they are there for a reason, or maybe you are there for them. I didn't tell you about bombshell camp... But it was a truly moving experience. I knew from the first few moments of meeting one very special bombshell IFBB pro that we were meant to spend the weekend sharing the time we spent together.

My plane got into Daytona late my first night at camp. I arrived, got my rental car, and drove to the bombshell house. When I arrived I hadn't even given much thought about who would let me in, would anyone even be there and as I drove up and down the street I couldn't even find a house number in the dark on any of the houses... I started thinking, oh great I'm in a town on the opposite coast in the middle of the night with no phone number, what was I thinking, why hadn't I planned better... Or even better yet why am I here? Really why am I at camp, why am I with bombshell, how did I even arrive at this place in my life? Why cant I just walk away from competing? Does it even fit in my life anymore? Why did I ever compete to begin with? Yes at that moment those are the thoughts running unconsciously through my mind... and I wonder why I get anxious :) But truly I don't have the answers I can only tell you that everything that has ever happened in my life at sometime down the road reveals its purpose, and it's taught me to follow my instincts and pay attention to those moments so that the purpose may be revealed... But not only the purpose but the true beauty. I want to leave you with that thought. I'm not sure when I will get back to tell the rest of my story, but think about those people in your life or those books... And take some time during your day and stop... Realize the significance of that moment where you stand... Take a deep breath in... feel the beauty in your breath and as you exhale feel the moment with all of your senses. And I'll come back, I can't leave blogging without first telling you about my weekend.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Good byes...

2011-12-15T10:17:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say good bye to all who have followed my blog. I'm going to take it down again because my heart is not into blogging anymore. I have a rule in life, one should never go back... even though I've had this rule, it takes breaking it to remember why I have it. I'm moving forward, letting go of the past. As inspired as I was at Bombshell camp, and as important of a journey that was for me I finally made up my mind about competing. I now know I do not need it to continue my journey with this lifestyle. It does not mean I failed or am less passionate. As much as I miss competing, the time and energy consumption keeps me from other important journeys. I've felt this way in the past... something has kept me holding on... but if I hold on to something that is not right, I'm missing the other great things out there for me. It's funny because at camp I was giving these words to a fellow bombshell IFBB pro about her ended relationship and I realized... I need to be taking my own advice about competing... Don't ever go back, it's never the way you remember it... let go, move forward, open your heart, and allow your destiny to guide you.

ATG squats vs emotions

2011-11-22T20:07:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure I totally get the application of this quote, but I relate to it 100%. I get caught in an emotional cycle and so easily lose sight of my goals. I allow feeling to drive me.

So application... Today it's focus on my goals and growth. One thing that's frustrating me in the gym and has for sometime is my leg strength. AND I've been caught up in the emotion of it... So I was sitting here dreading going to the gym because I will have to face my leg weakness when I hit the cardio... And it makes me just want to give up and cry. I don't know why my legs have become so weak... It happened somewhere near the end of my competing, like for instance I can only leg press 1/5th of the weight I use to be able to press. Cardio always feels like a nightmare, my legs just feel extreme fatigue. But instead of getting caught up in the emotion of it I thought let's look for answers... Let's make a goal... I searched on the net how to gain the flexibility for ATG squats... Because I'm pretty sure it's flexibility that's keeping me from going further than parallel. If your like me check out this video... You just have to watch the first 10 minutes or so... And suddenly I'm inspired to go to the gym and try this. The Video FitCast- Episode 6

Go Check it out ;)

Ab sence ;)

2011-11-20T04:09:00.001-08:00

I didn't come back as promised and I guess it's because my focus is wavering. I'm still on plan physically but mentally it been a tough several weeks. I was watching Ava Cowan videos on muscle and fitness hers the other day and feeling so inspired and focused... Then the reality of long 12 hour night shifts and missing spending my free time with my boyfriend throws my focus. To top it off last night at our cheat meal dinner he said "I know you love the Bombshell thing but I miss working out with you and doing our food thing." i.e. I teased him and said oh you mean when I cooked for you lol. I've offered to cook him double Bombshell meals with portions for him, but he usually turns his nose up to the Bombshell meal combos. I even found him the perfect 12 week workout program. But he didn't even have to say it, I miss our time together and with my workouts and the fact that I sleep during the day and he sleeps at night, we just don't have any time together :( For whatever reason when I signed up with Bombshell I felt like I had to separate myself from "our" workouts because our focus and goals are different... I need more than what I was accomplishing with our workouts together and I was frustrated with my results, we were lacking consistency mainly because he can get away with lack of consistency, and I can't... Man vs woman !?!
The other stir in focus has been some reading I've been doing on body image disorder which is hello something I am very aware of I have to some degree... I'm very food, fitness, and nutrition focused and have been my whole life... I could put a positive spin on that... but I hate how it has robbed my life from me... I've always wished I could eat and not think about nutrition labels. I wonder sometimes if "I'm fat" focus to my life is annoying. Because quite frankly I'm never going to be lean enough... That's the perfectionist side of me... And bodies aren't perfect... And that's the insanity of my body image disorder that will never be cured, but it does need to be acknowledged and managed. Because I can sit here and pretend it's not a problem, ignore the "Phantom Menace" as Scott Abel calls it... Which BTW is the perfect two word descriptive for body image disorders. And to top it off I realize competition is not healthy for my issue because I'm allowing a judging panel to say my anorexic looking body is not lean enough. Now I realize I may have looked anorexic and not lean enough because it was not the right nutrition protocol for me to get lean.

Thankfully Bombshell has taught me I can eat protein, carbs, and fat and a lot more calories than I ever thought and still get lean. Bombshell workouts rock! Cardio is OMG impossible as written!

So anyways I explained to him it is a year commitment to Bombshell. I think I'd regret walking away, but I do have to consider our relationship.

I had this problem before in my life and I used the... I need me time to be there for you... But right now I'm felling I need more relationship time.

Probably need a day job like my boyfriend because right now he sleeps at 4 am while I am WIDE awake !!! But I must get to sleep Packers are on at 10 am and I will not sleep though it!

Nite all!

As for that Ab tip... If you have a smart phone try an abs App... I found one that you can select 10 exercises, and choose 5, 7.5, or 10 minutes and it's HARD... But so easy to drop to the ground instead of say mindlessly scanning Facebook and pound out 5 minutes of abs and just 5 minutes a day is all you really need to hit the abs. Hitting them everyday gives you that tight abs feeling... And let's face it how they feel reflects how we see them !

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12 weeks with Bombshell Fitness

2011-11-08T15:39:00.000-08:00

I was really excited last week when I started comparing progress pictures. Now the week before my glutes did not look so swollen, but I like this weeks because it's definitely showing a lift in the glutes that I haven't had before. The first pic is my last show 2.5 years ago... the middle pic is 12 weeks ago when I contacted Shannon Day in desperation to get my enthusiasm for taking care of me back. The last pic is about 11.5 weeks of training. I hate doing these progress pics every week, I have a complete meltdown before during and after. But when I come back to them I realize they aren't as bad as I think and not as bad as when I started. The thing I have to keep coming back to is although these 12 weeks have been HARD... it's been hard fitting it all in, sometimes falling short, sometimes pushing myself further than I think possible... in the end I'm feeling like me again. My feel good brain chemicals are circling again, and I have more enthusiasm for everything... what trips me up is I don't have time for all the enthusiasm.... sometimes I have a million ideas I want to blog about but no time to sit down and blog.

So here I am with 12 weeks under my belt and I'm realizing there are more ways I can improve. Like abs, I haven't done an ounce of abs in 12 weeks... I'm suppose to be adding abs 3 times a week, but every day I'm just done after my workouts. Yes they are that intense, I've never worked out so hard in my life.... thus why Shannon has so many pros... one you ain't gonna stick with Bombshell if you don't have pro potential, and two I do believe there is something to the training methods and nutrition. There is no fast weightloss here... I am full and leaning out and I love it. As much as I was having fun getting to the point of that middle pic... snuggling at night in front of the TV with my boyfriend because A) it was cold and dark after long days of work and snuggling sounded better than the gym. B) lets go get wings because we didn't have time to eat all day so it won't matter that they are 1000 calories. C) it's easier and more fun to snack on the daily smorgasbord of ER food....Thats not to say I wasn't still working out and eating clean most days but I wasn't focused.

And my focus is evolving... I'm starting to see the body I want and not the body I left behind... And in seeing it I realize I need to give my focus daily visualizations and leave behind the vision I have of myself. It's a strong muscular body that I want that I was afraid of when I noticed how much it bothered men when I was dating... Not that I should care what they think but I kept getting the same response... Luckily I have found a boyfriend that loves me for me and could care less as long as I'm happy... Forget the rest of them... I am convinced there is no better man for me... I just hope he feels the same :) Ok I'm getting all mushy on you, but he's a HUGE piece of my life and our relationship is also a HUGE focus.

As for Abs... I[ll do an AB post later this week with some killer AB routines I designed as well as some ideas for you to design your own. So many ideas... so little blog time!!!!

INFJ

2011-10-24T23:40:00.001-07:00

Lol sounds like a federation of bodybuilding but it is actually... MY PERSONALITY TYPE Remember these tests from high school... They tell you what kind of career path would suit you. I can't believe how accurate this thing is at describing me. I've always questioned when occasionally people describe me as introverted... Because I am so socially drawn but this explains why I mistakenly think of myself as extroverted and it makes sense. Anyways this is beside the point of this post... This post may very well be one of my most important posts...

I've been reading an ebook from Scott Abel and in it he talks about how we define ourselves... Are you like me... Have you found yourself defining yourself within the roles you play... Mom, nurse, fitness competitor??? He talks about how this is sooooo limiting... Makes sense doesn't it... What happens when the competition is over or your kids grow up etc. Or how about when you start aging... If you define yourself by your physical beauty that creates enormous stress and anxiety... By the way as I write this I am celebrating my 38th birthday... However did I get so old ?

Anyhow do you get what I'm saying? Abel talks about defining yourself within personality traits... And using those traits or your personal strengths to pour into what desires you have for your life.

I'm crazy with passion since reading this because another lightbulb went off for me. I realized how special I am just for who I am. I also have considered in the past furthering my knowledge with maybe an advanced nutrition course and personal training certification to share my love of training with others in an informed way. But I now have different thoughts. Thank god... Lol I already have a psychology degree and nursing degree... Which makes sense when you consider my personality type... maybe TMI !!!

I guess the reason I have not already done this is because I'm not sure exactly how I would lead someone down the path to health and fitness. I'm not sure I've found the best way for someone to make this a part of their life. I think when someone takes on transformation it becomes a role they are playing for a certain amount of time but when the role is over... What then? That's where the real work needs to happen... Who are you? What's going to work into your life for you to be all that you want to be, where do you want to place your energies, your money, your soul. Consider your personality traits HERE Take a text HERE also do a search for other resources...

Create a new definition of you outside of the roles you play... See how what makes you special enhances those roles, realize you can take on any role you want to play or not... Realize how much bigger you are than the physical shell that contains you.

And I'm not saying don't take care if your body... But remember it's just a piece. And why do I feel this is so important... Because I know how much the media is in our face pushing fitness, nutrition, youth, blah, blah, blah... It brainwashes us into not feeling good enough because you know what... we are never going to walk out into that world air brushed, dehydrated, tanned.... Get where I'm going with this. We as woman need to stop the insanity and take back what being a woman is.... It's HUGE go check out those traits!!!!

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Reading thoughts...

2011-10-19T19:56:00.000-07:00

"First we need to address properly that because we live in a man's world, that alone creates internal stress for females who buy into societal identity and prescriptions to "who and how they should be". Internalizing these narrow definitions of feminine and womanly leads to a myriad of issues and the pursuits of women to adhere to these definitions is part of the problem. I have had many female clients in the past hire me and come to me with copies of Maxim or Playboy or Oxygen in their hands to show me what look they wish to accomplish. Do they not realize that these are mens magazines marketing to men what women should look like for the purpose only of sexual desire? This totally objectifies women yet they buy right into it and thus begins the problem. That identity becomes their goal identity so to speak. That is a problem right there wrapping up one's identity and self worth all within a physical or cosmetic package. Male bodybuilders do the same thing with respect to magazine bodybuilders. This should be a pursuit that expresses oneself, not an identity that defines one." ~Scott Abel Metabolic Damage and the Dangers of Dieting

I'm reading this e-book right now. It's so true. And it pushed another button on the Tina it's time to change the name of your blog and actually start a new one and put the past in the past. Don't read too much into this. I'm still training with Bombshells, I may compete again, but I'm not going into it blindly. It's taking a lot to evolve from the fallen figure competitor to continuing with something I am very passionate about, yet I question every single day. I am in a good place right now physically and mentally, I love my training, diet is reasonable and manageable. I want some great photos (for me), maybe to step on stage again... but it's not even close to everything to me. I love bodybuilding, I'm passionate about this sport beyond competing, and I want to do it smart. I want it to work for my life, not for my life to work for it. I just wanted to throw this quote from the book out there because I think about this one a lot.

Back to business!

2011-10-03T18:26:00.000-07:00

Meals cooked for the week and packed up for my trip to LA. Got here... worked out yesterday and today... OMG after todays workout I swear I was in a post leg day coma... I came back to my room, ate, and took a long nap. It was a HARD leg day... it was a little frustrating too because I had to work out at 24 hour fitness... and the one here in the neighborhood is in need of some equipment repair... the leg press was not moving smoothly, the equipment is old and beaten. It's good to see a gym so packed in the middle of the day... but not so good to getting my workout done. A little frustrating but I got it done and my Legs and butt are screaming!

I love bombshell workouts.... they ROCK!

I was reading one of my Bombshell sisters blogs I had to share it with my daughter. I love how she writes about setting goals, having confidence. I love when I see this sport lending to good work ethic, good body image... certainly woman in this country as a whole struggle with body image... I know as a mom to a teenage girl, I am not the only person influencing her body image... the media is 20 steps ahead of us all. I don't like all of the focus on external beauty but it's our culture, it's not going away, and lets face it we are woman, our external beauty IS important to us. When I struggle with my own health and fitness I always come back to lifting iron and eating clean... it's like home. I love that my children are now living this lifestyle. They do it because it's home, they don't know anything else.

Bodybuilding has it's good and it's bad... I know the good, and I love it!

It feels so good to be working out again. I love having a trainer doing my workouts for me... Working out on my own I never felt pushed, and my workouts lacked focus... Now I go in do my workout... Nearly cry through it, it's that tough... And walk out feeling exhilarated that I somehow found it in me to push through. Today I modified my bombshell cardio because they didn't have the right equipment... I used the stairmill... I thought 10 minutes on the stairmill... because I figured that was all I could take then I'd finish out on something else... I couldn't believe I had it in me to stay on the stairmill 40 minutes... Mentally I have not been able to push myself to stick out a minute and I'd get off. I'm not sure whats improving if it's my head or my body!

Sometimes all of this seems so trivial, there's bigger problems in this world than Tina's workouts and Tina's body... Why would anyone bother reading this journal... I hope if you are reading I make you think about making your goals a priority, it's ok to want a strong fit mind and body and put those goals first. Life will get in the way, you will get sick, you will fall off your plan, but just get back on... Everyday try and do better than before. Going out of town is tough but plan for it... Make some adjustments make the best of the situation. Write your goals out everyday... Put Reminders in the kitchen... In the pantry... Everywhere you can think of that you need a reminder. I tell my kids when they tell me they want something... Write it on the bathroom mirror so everyday you start your day remembering what is important to you. How many times have you said tomorrow I'm going to do this and you would have but tomorrow came and went without a thought. Our minds are raided everyday especially now with social media... It's hard to stay focused. Go on right now and write your goal on the bathroom mirror with step one! You can use a post it, eyeliner... Whatever!

Mind set !

2011-09-30T02:46:00.000-07:00

From the book- Maxwell Daily Reader. This was part of an article posted in a M&F Hers Blog by Juliana Daniell

* That which holds our attention determines our actions. Because of that, where we are today is the result of the dominating thoughts in our minds. And the way we think determines what our attitudes are. You can control your thoughts and because of that you can control your attitude and actions.

* Your attitude is your emotional approach to life. It is the framework through which you see events, other people, even yourself.

* You are not what you think you are, but what you think...you are.

* What we accomplish in life is based less on what we want and more on how much we want it. The secret to willpower is what someone once called wantpower. People who want something enough usually find the willpower to achieve it.

* You can’t change yesterday. You can’t count on tomorrow. But you CAN choose what you do today.

* Your beliefs control everything you do.

* It’s called the “sure enough” syndrome. If you expect to fail, sure enough, you will. If you expect to succeed, sure enough, you will. You will become on the outside what you believe on the inside.

* Contrary to popular opinion, life does not get better by chance, life gets better by change! And this change always takes place inside; it is the change of thought that creates the better life.

* Improvement comes from change, but change requires confidence. Make confidence in yourself a priority.

* “The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.” Don’t let your doubts cause your expector to expire.

I truly believe our brain can be trained to think anything and what we allow it to think or dwell on it will live out. From the time my kids were little I would tell them if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it... because not only do your negative thoughts affect others but they affect you too.

This is and has always been my biggest passion, to get people to believe in themselves. To get others to reach for the stars. But not only reach... but right now right where you are at... SEE... BELIEVE... DWELL on the positive. I'm not that girl in the competition pictures on the side bar... I am bigger and brighter than that girl... because time has allowed me to grow and see that there is bigger and better in my future.

I am in the gym tonight... still sick and I almost didn't go... but I'm glad I did... The workout felt good... I don't know where the energy came from. While I was there I was thinking, I can't wait to see my veins again... see my arm definition... because I'm starting to see it. I came home and was looking at old photo's and I thought WOW my physique is going to be so much better. I'm training smarter... My muscle is full... I'm starting to see more mature muscle peeking through.

I'm excited to see what I have nearing the end of this year. I like my body right where it is right now. I still have a feminine physique with curves and softness. I love my training. I thought I missed how I looked before... but I don't because I know I'm headed to something better.

Can't wait for my leg day tomorrow. Bombshell leg days are the bomb and somethimes 2 days a week !!!

Watch that mind of yours :)

Sick :(

2011-09-29T00:18:00.001-07:00

I was feeling so awesome on Saturday... I was in the middle of a crazy stretch of 7 12 hour shifts... I came home from work, slept, got up, did my bombshell workouts... Raced home pulled on some buckle jeans from two years ago with my bombshell hoodie and headed out for some cheat meal pizza... I could not believe I was wearing these jeans again FINALLY and not only that I was wearing them while eating pizza!!! For the last two years I've been trying to get diet and workouts to stick long enough to see some results and in all that time I never ate pizza! From there I went into work and we had a crazy night all the while I feel a sore throat getting worse and worse... I go home and sleep Sunday away sucking on sugar free cough drops and throat spray. I go into work I probably should have stayed home but we already were working short... Then we were so busy... with really sick people... And drunk passed out students. I make it through the night go home, sleep... Wake up not feeling great but I've got to work out I'm not letting anything get in my way... I've got goals! So I'm there doing a grueling bombshell leg day with step-ups and jumps and squats... And I keep pushing myself feeling feverish and weak... I make it through but cut my cardio in half. I go to work AGAIN and as the night went on I felt worse and worse... I truly had the best patients... I had to put on my bright face and not let on how sick I was but my coworkers were catching on and I could no longer be in denial. I took yesterday and today off from working out. This is so hard for me to try and rest but I figure there is no point in breaking down my body more with workouts while I am trying to heal and I can tell even as I write this I'm not over the hump... It scares me a little I guess because this is what derailed me before... I just kept getting sick. They say everytime you start in a new ER it takes a year before you stop getting sick over and over... I swear it's true!

So anyway I'm praying for a better tomorrow.

On a positive note I signed up for a bombshell camp for December 2-4 and I will be staying on the beach in Daytona at the bombshell house... This is my Christmas/Birthday present to me! I can't wait!

I also bought some new shampoo and hair styling products that I love...

All I can say is I'm finally feeling like me again :)

Well besides being sick :( Pray i feel good enough to be back in the gym tomorrow :)

Twitter

2011-09-19T22:00:00.001-07:00

As if facebook is not enough social media influx I decided to check out twitter... I said I would never do it... But I did and I'm not sure what I think. I thought it would be nice to have a place that was just fitness freaks rather than with facebook being everyone in my life... I previously deleted everyone from my facebook that wasn't immediate family and friends... When I went through my divorce I just felt it was best to keep to myself mostly. I covered up all of my pictures and really just let everyones thoughts and opinions get to me.

Well today when I was working out I thought really LOUD... This is F'in hard work getting this body back... Mind you this is in the middle of a bizzilion lunges and squats... And I thought....I'm not Freaking letting anyone take it from me again... Most of all DEPRESSION! I let everything beat me down including me... And never again. I'm proud of my physique which is no perfection by any means... But the work it takes to get there is HARD and exhilarating and I earn every bit of it!

Tomorrow I send in pics and an update to my coach... 5 weeks down... I'm excited to see where my body is at. Weight is not all that impressive but I'm relaxed about it... I'm in this for fat loss... I want to preserve every bit of muscle I've earned and I'm working hard to earn some more. My head is in a great space right now... I'm not self loathing or panicking about food ! I feel really good!

What do you think about twitter ? Who's good to follow ?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Olympia 2011

2011-09-17T01:21:00.001-07:00

I love how Figure RX is covering the Olympia this year... Especially because I can't be there. They've got the pics and the interviews. So far no shockers the Bombshell girls are cleaning bikini house Nicole Nagrani - 1st, Nathalia Melo - 2nd, Jaimie Baird - 4th, and India Paulino 6th!!!!
Figure RX

This has been a tough week for me... I've worked non-stop since last week with work training on my days off and it definitely shows... I've had a few intense cravings, my meals did not seem like enough, I quit 10 minutes early on Wednesdays cardio because I hated every single second of the first 30 minutes. I took my cheat meal tonight instead of Saturday as planned... Maybe I should have stuck it out but I really felt like I needed a recharge. I know it's work... Nothing I can do about that... It pays the bills... And I love being a nurse... Just dang I need a day off!!!! Which I have 5 days off now... Gonna plan and recharge and do this thing! I may never be a figure Pro or Figure Olympian but I love to train like one!!!!!

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Today's babble!

2011-09-13T23:46:00.001-07:00

I wrote the previous entry because I am very cautious as I head down the path of fitness and possibly competing again. One of the reasons among many for abandoning my fitness lifestyle is because of all of the information out there coupled with what I went through not only physically but mentally toward the end of the time I competed. There were many things going on in my life that contributed to my own metabolic hell and yes can be a very driven and goal oriented person. So I am being very cautious and being very honest with myself... If at any time on this journey I am not loving the process or my body is not loving the process I won't proceed... I'll change the direction of my journey.

Right now I'm loving it! I completed my first month of bombshell training, and although I haven't lost scale weight my body is transforming and that's exciting!!! I love the workouts and the meals have actually surprised me. On Sunday I cook all of my food for the week and put it in baggies... At work last night I was eating my fish, brown rice, and green beans out of the baggie with a fork and although to most it seems odd and extreme... It was Sooooo good the flavor of all of those being zipped up while they were still warm... Yummy ! I got some looks from my all male co-workers as they pounded donuts and bacon and sausage from the cafeteria. I feel good and strong, although I will admit the bacon smelled yummy... I didn't even want it. Not to mention I attended ENPC training all weekend and it was catered and the food looked good but I had my food and even though I was pressured to partake I didn't even want to. My food tastes good and it makes me feel good after I eat it... Like I said No cravings. Now I still take my cheat meal every week and I don't even feel like I need it but I still take it because it's time to go out with my boyfriend and recharge after a hard week of training and work. I'm completely relaxed about my body, not worried about the scale or how my clothes fit... Because I love where I'm at on more than one plane in my life and I plan on staying that way!

So anyhow when I received this months plan I was a little concerned about the food combos and them working into my plan of cooking for the week and I'm sure I'm not the first person to think of these lovely things but I combined the foods to make mini quiches that way my eggs could be cooked for the week since I've got egg white in two meals of my plan... Ta Da this is what I got and I wasn't even sure if they would taste good but they are my favorite thing!

And since we're sharing pictures here's one of my love's...

Awwww !!! Kitty just love's Patrick... She's always snuggled up to him but what's even cuter is when he has his arm around me she has to lay by me and wrap her arm around me too like this is what me and Dad do!!! I never knew I could be a Cat person but she is just pure love!

Body Image

2011-09-09T00:01:00.001-07:00

I've been gathering a bunch of ideas in my brain to blog about. Several articles have crossed my path the last few days... One in particular sent me on some more soul searching...

My Metabolic Hell I can certainly relate to this article and I applaud
Betsy McNally for writing it. It got me to thinking about many of the articles Scott Abel has written about the competing world and I have a huge desire to work with him but he has no desire to work with girls who want to compete... I really like his writing style and his thoughts... I respect them as he has more experience in the competitive world than I. But fact of the matter is I still want to compete again. Now don't get me wrong if at any point I decide competing is taking away from me, if I start having food issues or my body says "No" then I will count my blessings and not compete. But right now I feel free of my food obsessions, my training feels good, I'm feeling stronger each day, I'm taking my iron which is on my training plan and my doctors plan as I have extremely low iron but until now I have not been able to take it because of constipation issues... this diet has cleared up all of those issues. My food plan is not low carb, or low cal, or low fat it's just a really good balanced diet that gives me the energy to train hard which feels so good !

Anyhow more about the article... Much of what got me so angry with the fitness world was the fact that it doesn't represent reality in many ways. It ignores that woman are more than an image, more than physical beauty. I think our culture places far too much emphasis on the physical. I also felt like Betsy when woman who I already see as absolutely beautiful just the way they are were asking me how they could achieve my physique. What bothers me even more is when I was reading about a local 1990's sports illustrated super model seen on the beach... She is in her 40's now and still absolutely beautiful... Not that 20 year old bombshell but pretty damn close... Also she is a beautiful person... But there was comment after comment about how she let herself go under the pictures... People picking on her being fat which she was not... Anyhow I absolutely love how she responded saying something like she did not have the time or desire to do what it takes to try and live up to the physical appearance the public expects of her... Her family and her multimillion dollar business are her priorities . Love, love, love her!!!!

So moral of the story is woman need to love themselves, see their beauty beyond the images of what societies idea of fit and beautiful is.

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Training notes

2011-09-05T19:55:00.001-07:00

Another great week training and nutrition wise, also fit in shorts I haven't worn since last fall, tight but I couldn't even get them over my hips a few weeks ago... Then I step on the scale and do pics and it's upsetting because I want to be there but it's incredibly slow as I expect... But there is part of me that feels like the old me and I want the image to reflect that. I'm just grateful I have a plan and awesome workouts that make me feel I look better than I do. I also decided to put on one of my old suits for pics I figure none of my suits fit me might as well keep trying on the one that is the ultimate goal even though it's just brutal mentally. As far as weight 152 again I feel like there's got to be a loss soon because clothes are fitting better. This is one of the reasons I couldn't do this on my own... I would start restricting more and eventually to the point where I still wasn't getting results and I was miserable... Right now I love everything program wise... And I'm really excited because I'm going to watch the Olympia next weekend... My very first competition inspiration... This time to see it in person and see some of the bombshell girls in action !!!!

"Pics were inserted here...I'll save your eyes"

Believe it or not... I did know how to pose, this weight has really affected my posture !

Onward I'm ready to be over it :)

BTW absolutely no BLT's, no cravings... I have taken my cheat burger every week I don't need it right now.... but probably because I'm taking it.

I got a great response from my coach this weeks motto from coach G "Better than yesterday". And I've said this before... Each day just do better than the day before and each day you're getting better... It's not all physical.

Another great bit of words I've been pondering... My mother said never regret anything you've done only regret the things you haven't done... Then she says the thing is I don't know if it's something I've done or not done. Powerful words. I don't regret competing but I'm sure I will regret at this point not competing again... I knew I wasn't done yet and I'm not!

Competing

2011-09-05T11:25:00.001-07:00

Yes... I want to compete again :) I don't know where it came from but it has been nagging me since earlier this year. I contacted a few coaches because I have been going through some depression following my divorce and have not been able to find my passion for training again...Through all of the sadness I have comforted myself... Eating what I want, being completely lazy... None of which I regret... It's just something I had to go through... I think... part of healing. So much has changed in my life and when I finally felt like the sinking ship was able to stay afloat I wanted me back, I wanted to train again and be passionate about it like I had been in the past. I love to train myself but I wasn't finding consistency enough to get results so like I said I contacted a few coaches. When I was told I was stupid to even think about competing again by one of the coaches it sent me down a path of soul searching. It really bothered me to be told that because deep down I really want to. If you've ever competed you know there is an addiction to it following that first show you can't wait to do another... I had to abandon competing when I went through my divorce because One I didn't have the money to do it anymore, Two I didn't have the time, Three I met a lot of new people that made me feel insecure about the lifestyle and I let it eat away at me so much so that I began to hate it.
Well none of that matters really because here I am. After so many false starts, trying to do other eating programs and train... I fell right back into the bodybuilding style of eating and with that training feels good again... Within 3 weeks my body feels strong again... Some of this couldn't have happened without some of the depression being lifted. The depression I couldn't undo I think it just took time... Although everyday I was anxious that I couldn't find my way out. During that time I fell in love, but even love can't cure depression. I also moved to a warm climate which probably didn't cure it but sure made a huge dent :) I think I finally reached acceptance and forgiveness. They say depression is a silent anger and I just couldn't get angry enough to move beyond it so I had to embrace love... Love for myself and maybe a little letting go!

I'll share more about my training later... And the show... Next year something in California my new home :)

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Blog again ?

2011-09-02T00:59:00.002-07:00

Thinking about starting up the blog again. Now to decide start fresh or make changes to the old blog ? Hmmm ?!?!?!? Alot of my side bar disappeared while I was gone. I'd like to keep figure diva because competing will be the focus of my blog. I also have a whole lot of changes to share and growth I went through that I can't wait to share. And well I'm on a new journey. So much to think about. So much to share. Stay tuned.

No loathing allowed!

2010-11-09T08:14:00.004-08:00

I'm suppose to be using my day off to catch up on cleaning and I'm meeting the girls for lunch at Longhorn steakhouse at noon which doesn't give me very much time, but I feel like blogging because I have been thinking. For a long time I've been reading Scott Abels Blogs and I have always identified myself in many of his posts. I know I have a "wrong" relationship with food, and dieting and have for all of my life. Either I do something about it or I don't it's still the relationship I have with food and my body. I like what he writes about in yesterdays post when he extracts the line from the Movie Eat Pray Love... “Now I step on the scale each morning so I know just how much self-loathing to take with me into the shower….I used to have an appetite…. for life….Now I don’t have an appetite or am not allowed to have an appetite, for anything.” That explains in essence my relationship with my body. I don't weigh myself... mostly my clothes tell me how I feel, should I self loath or love !?! And yet do I abandon my training and diet because they contribute to the unhealthy relationship. How do I heal this part of me. That is where I have been at with my training and diet for the past year, trying to heal this part of me. Also trying to find balance in my life. Competing was completely unhealthy for me, and quit frankly I hate to say I'll never compete again... but after reading this article and how much I identify with it... I know if I compete again I will only be indulging in the unhealthy relationship I have with my body. I've known it all along, I knew it when I was competing, I knew it before I ever competed. This relationship has taken much of my life from me. I need lifting and cardio in my life, it's really good for my body and my brain chemicals... I need to eat healthy and balanced as well. I take complete responsibility for my past... I know what I want for my future... And I want that for you too. What do you love about you? leave me a comment...

Getting back to it...

2010-10-14T07:23:00.002-07:00

So we were barely back from vacation and we were thinking about what to do for our next vacation... partially because Patrick had to put in for his time off work next year. At first he put in for the end of June and the end of October... all I could think about is having to wait until June to escape winter... ugh... but his first request was denied so it looks like March it is :) So that gives me something like 5 months to be in bikini shape because we are planning to go to Florida. This time I want to find a beach, put up stakes and do nothing but soak up some sun, because by March I'm really going to be in need of some sun.

We worked out yesterday and finally I did extra cardio ! Maybe the run we did after our workout on Wednesday when I was panting a slow death up the hills made it hit home that I'm really out of shape cardiovascular wise, although too my credit I really think he was running too fast for me. The extra cardio really felt good and I was ready to go again when Patrick got home from work. He had been on his feet all day working a 10 hour day and he didn't really look like he wanted to work out but I was dressed and I didn't even give him a second to talk himself out of it... he said when he left for work we were working out so I was making him stick to it. We got there and he wanted to do legs so we started with a 10 minute interval run on the treadmill... then we headed over to the hack squat machine. We did 5 really heavy sets and he looked about done... and then I made him do cable kick backs... ha ha ha... he was a good sport even though I could tell he really didn't like this exercise men usually don't... but I needed them, and men really do need them too. Then we did leg extensions and curls in which he really hates the lying leg curl machine and he quit after one half a set... he had a bit of a hissy fit... then we did calves. Thats the hard part about working out with your significant other... sometimes you tend to baby them even if it's not good for them... luckily for him I am a psychology major and sometimes I trick him into doing things and keeping with things I know are hard and frustrate him to death... it always feels good when you work through it, doesn't it.

Now for a funny part... so I need to stop at Target for toilet paper after our workout... and everyone always has a beef with my love of Scott's one ply toilet paper... the reason why I like it... I grew up with quilted northern and I hate the cotton dust it leaves all over the bathroom and I have a nails on the chalkboard feel when I touch that stuff... well apparently Patrick had to ask the Target clerk if they ever met anyone that used that toilet paper and he says no and Patrick goes on to say might as well have stopped off at the hardware store for some sand paper... the boy is laughing, everyone is laughing and I'm thinking I'm on my own here. And on the way home I'm still thinking about it and I say if you really need me to buy two ply, if it's really important to you, I might be able to change and he says no... it's okay... I think he must love me :) That or the one ply is growing on him.

Body image

2010-10-06T07:42:00.001-07:00

Vacation is over but it was so wonderful and so much fun. My boyfriend lived in California for a while, all over the place it was so much fun meeting the people and going to all the places that touched his life. The trip definitely made me feel closer to him... I got to see dolphins and seals swimming in the ocean, I saw the redwood forrests and went deep into the redwood forrests into the mountains doing a little off roading in a subaru... Talk about heat and elevation sickness, it was well over 100 degrees in the mountains. We drank wine and margaritas and had more seafood than I could ever dream of. I came home feeling like I gain a million pounds and my bf lost more weight... Now that's sick and twisted ! We spent most of our time in Santa Barbara where his daughter lives. So much fun why does vacation ever have to end ? ! ? We were talking with his friends and he told them about working out with me and how much it means to him that I've done this with him and he came over and gave me a kiss when he realized I heard what he was saying and he said I mean it thank you for doing this for me ... Awww.

Brianna is doing better, she's going to stick it out here with her mom. I wish going back there with her was an option but its not. There are so many reasons why I live here... Money being one of them. Its so easy for me to blame myself for what happened to our family... I always take responsibility for everything... But it truly was a big move for me in my life to take care of me and my emotional well being... Moving here was really important for me. Sometimes I do think the price was too high... Things are not easy for me, but going back would not be right, back was not easy or right.

Anyhow I wanted to write a little about body image because it just keeps coming up and my boyfriend and I talked a lot about it on my vacation and he said you really should write a book about your feelings on this. Thus the blog is maybe not the best place but I feel like this is something that needs to be talked about.
Having gone through the whole body transformation process gave me a real understanding of my body image on so many levels. I have so many feelings about this it makes my head spin. I want a hard body... I love when my clothes feel like they are falling off, nothing in my closet is too small for me... But the reality of a tight body all the time is not reality for me... I can't be that body obsessed... My body does adapt and fight super leanness because I am a woman... It takes more cardio and less food and pretty soon those hormones are fighting all of that. Its so anxiety producing to see and feel your body fighting you to the point where its weak and frail...
And I was explaining this to my boyfriend and all of that emotion started pouring out. I remember a long time ago Jamie Lee Curtis talking about this very subject... She talked about all of the training she would do for a movie role... She said its my job I do it but to maintain it... I can't do all it takes to look like that and maintain it... Its for a role, I don't look like that all the time. She said its an image all of the shots you see on magazine covers are just one second in time those models work hard to look that way for those cover shots, those movie roles... Not to mention the photo touching and tanning and make-up. I read a facebook status the other day that was bashing those shots of people on there page that send an image of them a few years ago and its nothing like what they look like now. I guess you could say I have one of those... But that's another place where my head spins... That image is ME... Its my cover shot... And its ME... I'm that same tina then as the tina I am now I haven't changed... Why do we put so much emphasis on people and there image when an image of me doesn't tell you a thing about me. And I think of those tabloid shots of stars on the beach with there fat rolls and cellulite and I think having known all that I know about the body... And I think that's real people those are real bodies hanging at the beach with there families instead of being hung up on their body image. And I'm sorry if I get angry about this stuff but I do... Because I've been holding all of this inside. I want you to know woman are beautiful in all shapes and sizes they really are... Take some time to get to know one!!!!!!! And there are so many more thoughts on this I could go on and on and on. And to make my head spin even more... Is I do believe in the process, the process I went through with Tony and Dreambodies... Competing took away some of the gems that I gained in the body image department... I should say Competing and Dating. I'm trying to not hate my body so much and get back to the process that made it great, that made me great. Its been great sharing this process with my boyfriend because he's really helped me love to lift again and also helped me learn to love to live again.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Updates

2010-09-16T06:53:00.004-07:00

Just haven't felt much like blogging... not sure why... until today. I guess I just miss everyone... I've been reading off and on here and there from my google reader on my phone but I can't comment on that thing... so you don't even know I'm there keeping up with you all :)

I really do have a lot to talk about. Kind of sad today as Brianna wants to go back and live with her Dad. She spent the summer up there with her friends and it was the first summer she could come and go with her friends to the mall and the beach as she pleased. She can't do that here, everything requires my transportation, not to mention she really hasn't allowed herself to make friends here like she has up there and it really took moving away from there for her to allow herself to have friends there. She's kind of like me like that. If people don't include me and pursuit me to do things with them I tend to be kind of an introvert, even though once out of my shell I'm much more of an extrovert. I really don't know what to do... do I let her move with her Dad because I know friends are a very important part of being a teenager, or do I make her stay here and force her to adjust and make friends here. I almost feel like the right thing to do is let her go, I know she'll be okay with her Dad... but will I be okay without either of my kids. And she's really put the guilt trip on me trying to get me to move back there... but I can't live there, I really can't... you just don't understand how hard those winters are on me. I also feel the guilt of not being there in Markies life... but just the thought of living there makes me feel like someone is tieing a rope around my neck. I don't know I'm just very sad... not sure what the right thing for Brianna and me will be.

As for everything else in my life. I'm back to working out with some awesome intensity. Weak as hell, I can't lift anywhere near what I use to be able to lift, but having my boyfriend in the gym with me has really helped me push myself when I just don't really want to push. I'm really so proud of him and the changes he's made. He hit 10 mph running intervals on the treadmill the other day and he posted it on his facebook status... and it reminded me of the day I hit 10 mph. He says to me all the time, after he does something new "I didn't know I had that in me" and that makes me smile because I know... I know the process... I'm teaching him everything Tony taught me, and it's happening for him just like it happened for me.

I cook most of our meals... in the morning I was feeding him eggs but we've recently switched to oats and chocolate protein powder because even though he said he doesn't like oats, he saw me eating that and he had to have some. In his lunch he takes those Oscar Meyer chicken breast strips... not the best thing clean meal wise but it's something he likes, it's convienent and he just couldn't eat my dry ass chicken day after day... he also takes 2 myoplex lites some veggies an apple and a tuna everyday... then at night I make us dinner which is either orange roughy, salmon, shrimp, or chili lime talapia. I make us a big salad always with romaine hearts chopped, salad spun, white onion, and tomato's then I vary sometimes cucumber, peppers, avocado, sesame seeds and for my boyfriend Newman's Own lite Italian salad dressing which is mmmmm good and fairly clean, I also give him a potato or brown rice and then we hit the gym, come home and have a met rx chocolate shake. I guess I would like to start changing things up and getting more creative with the meals but this is so easy and the fish every night is amazing. So far my boyfriend has lost 25 pounds in 6 weeks, I am amazed... he's very focused and I'm seeing major changes in him not only physically. I'm in love it's true. I'm also thinking he thought he could not run... because of his knees... but now he's running. He does not know how to cut vegetables... and I'm thinking do I get him in the kitchen to help me and teach him these things... and let me just interrupt myself... did you hear me he does not know how to cut vegetables... you can just imagine what his diet was like... I'm pretty sure takeout and heading over to mom's and dad's was his way of life... no wonder he loves me :) So my thoughts exactly... keep him incapable of fending for himself :o Kidding kidding...

Really I've never been so much of a caretaker as I've been with him... I guess it's that "I'm in love" thing :) Anyhow our vacation is only a week away... I'm so excited... I have no idea what the ocean looks like or the red wood forests.... we'll be traveling up the coast of California from LA to Eureka... no definite plans just going to fly by the seat of our pants... fits our personalities. Neither one of us is a planner, our personalities are so much the same its scary... we can both have fun doing nothing at all, we both like our sleep...If you read about Scorpios and Leo's they are not very good matches because they are so much a like... both like to be the center of attention and neither are good at giving it. Leo's never apologize, Scorpio's never forgive... OH BOY have we seen this :) But we really enjoy each other and that is really nice.

Going to spend some time this morning on the net... looking for some good recipes to try... then hopefully off to the market to pick up the ingredients, then to Brianna's school to fight with her all the way home because I am selfish and I want her here with me. Any support and thoughts would be nice because this really sucks!!!

Week 4

2010-08-16T09:05:00.003-07:00

We're starting week 4 in our pre Cali transformation. I'm wondering how my boyfriend is doing this morning. We had a cheat weekend... which when we started this we kind of planned on... Saturday was Band camp... a whole day of hard rock... outside in the heat. When we got there I wasn't so sure it was my scene... I don't have any tat's and I don't own any booby booz tees nor do I sport paint as the only covering for my boobies... but heck who am I to judge... although I'm not sure I get it. I was there for Josh Todd of Buckcherry... omg I love his voice... and it was so worth it... although I'm still very pissed at Godsmack... they didn't play Whiskey Hangover... which I've never had one... but I so can appreciate the words of that song... and I was dying in the heat waiting and waiting and waiting for them to play it... and all of a sudden the lights went down... everyone started to leave... I was thinking their not done idiots where are you going they have to play whiskey hangover... and I waited and waited... finally Patrick starts pulling me away... he told me there done babe.

We had a lot of fun :) But I'm wondering if 3 weeks was enough time to really get what the cheat day is all about. Is Patrick sitting in his work truck thinking back over the weekend thinking that is how I use to live and this is how I use to feel and wow I'm glad I'm eating chicken and I can't wait to get to the gym today and get back to the path I was paving for myself. Here's the thing... that's how I felt when I first started this. And right now I know the reason I'm feeling so blah... I know why ice cream is calling my name.... and I know how easily it is to spiral back into your old ways, even though it makes you feel this much like crap. All I can say is food is powerful shit. Habits... it's so hard to break the cycle of habitual behavior... sometimes you can miss the true message in all that is changing around you, when you start breaking the habits.

Anyways my eyes are all puffy... it's like just before the Arnold when I couldn't open my eyes in the morning. Its not going to be an easy day in the gym... you'd think those carbs give you a lot of energy... but that in my opinion is a myth... for me it makes me feel heavy and weak and I just wanna leave and give up. But I won't it's six weeks till Cali and my short shorts that I couldn't even pull on this spring I can now pull right off. Time to keep moving forward. I can't wait till Patrick can see some abs... he doesn't believe its possible... but here's the thing... not only is it possible... it's going to happen. I can see some pretty full muscle peeking in from behind the fat... transformation is possible... 6 pack abs are possible... you can have it if you want it... but you got to really want it and you've got to believe... and you've got to do the work it takes to get there. It takes some sacrifice. You have what it takes... but the thing is... do you know it ? And do you know what you gotta do to get it ?

TGIF

2010-08-06T10:52:00.003-07:00

I'm going to have to think of a title for this post :) I just feel like writing a little because I finally have something to write about. Training and diet have been spot on for a while now... and I must say I wouldn't be doing so great without the addition of my boyfriend. He joined me in the gym and started the program with me a few weeks ago... and I must say I am amazed... for someone who's lifestyle is as far left of mine... he really is doing this and doing it so well. Since I met him I knew he was intrigued with what I do and he never really approved of when I swayed from my program. I think he wanted to join me instead of me joining him. But for some reason I wouldn't let him in. I guess because I didn't want it to come between us if for some reason he couldn't do it or he didn't like it... I really just didn't want any part of that... even though I really need the people in my life to be on the same page in some ways. I mean lets face it I know too much about too much to just sit there silent, I want the people I love to get the most out of their lives... not to mention it's hard to do it on your own.

I can't even begin to tell you how exciting it is to see his enthusiasm... and we are having so much fun in the gym... minus the part where he gets frustrated because an particular exercise doesn't feel right and I don't know how to correct his form and he gets frustrated.... shhhhh actually that's the best part... he's pretty funny when he gets frustrated... and I laugh which makes him more mad :) Oh and I'm teaching him all about watching my muscles working in the mirror :) ... oh yeah and his too :)

Well anyways... I get emails all the time from people that find my blog... and it compels me to keep writing, even though its hard to find the time... like right now I should be at the grocery store... tonight is our infamous salmon friday nights... it's got to be something special because the boyfriend has given up his infamous friday night beer, which I really didn't think he'd be able to do. He said to me this morning... I'm probably not gonna even like beer anymore now that you've F'd with my pallet and I gave him that devilish look with a smile... I keep warning him us scorpio's are always up to something :)

Today is also leg day... time for another devilish smile :)

Have a great Friday!

Health

2010-07-28T15:18:00.002-07:00

Today I watched one of my DVR'd episodes of Jillian Michael's new show. I can not watch that show and not cry from the beginning to the end. I love the show because she really gets down to business... right up in these peoples faces and says it like it is... you really don't have a choice... your health depends on taking care of your body. On the episode I watched she was getting up into each family members face and forcing them to find the emotions behind the reasons things have come to the point of needing an intervention. I think we all need this from time to time. We hide the feeling and emotions and keep doing things the way we always have because it's easier... but is it really easier ? Someday your health choices will catch up with you... don't have time for your health... you will have to make time for illness. Making healthy choices now not convienent ? How about the inconvience of medications and equipment to keep you alive. It's too expensive to be healthy... how expensive is illness... you don't even want to go there.

I think thats part of it... just part of it... because there is the actual physical reactions going on in the body that keep us where we are with unhealthy choices... sugar is addicting... your body will cry for it... if you don't understand this... you should it's why many fail at keeping the healthy choices going for more than a few days... just one bite of the wrong foods can set off a whole change of reactions... the limbic system comes into play and the body cries feed me carbs feed me sugar... it's happening and you don't even know it.

I don't know I'm just thinking about all of these things when I watched that show today. I love to see people make these changes and grab back there lives from being controlled by emotions and impulses and habits. It's no easy journey I know... but taking care of your body is something you really just don't have much room to choose.

Ab veins !

2010-07-14T20:32:00.001-07:00

Well its happening again... Its really happening... I'm really doing this. I met to get my son the other day and my schedule got all messed up and I was in a rush and left without my food and I did it I ordered McDonalds grilled chicken salad forget the dressing and it was good and I stayed on plan. Then I was worried because my boyfriend asked us out for dinner and I thought okay here's the test can I go there and stick to plan... And I did it... Again grilled chicken salad no dressing... Its like its all clicking again and my scrubs are loose and today in the mirror I could see my ab veins... There still pretty hidden but they are making an appearance again ... And I can't even begin to tell you how this feels for me. The food part has just not been 100 percent gonna make things happen since that first year with Tony. Even when its been 100 percent its still not been its gonna make things happen and this time its different... I can feel its gonna happen. Gawd it feels so good to be back. Anyhow I saw the ab vein and I had to share !
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Part 2

2010-07-09T14:23:00.003-07:00

Fish and cheese... so I was thinking I'm having trouble eating chicken... like for real I make it and it goes bad in the fridge, I've even tried doing different things to it... so I was thinking back to when Tony included cheese in our meal plans... of course when I looked back on the meal plans it really wasn't much cheese... but it was cheese and when you haven't seen cheese in forever any cheese is allotta cheese :) So anyhow... lets talk about my love of cheese... I'm not from Wisconsin but I could marry a dairy farmer that is into cheese... and I'd be one fat bella :) OMG if you've never had cheese fresh off the farm you do not know what you are missing. So anyhow one of the girls from works husband is working for and don't quote me but something to do with traveling around and promoting the Wisconsin food industry mainly cheese... and OMG she brings in huge wheels of cheese and of course I'm thinking oh I can have a little cheese until I taste this freaking cheese and lets just say cheese was my nutrition during my 12 hour shift yesterday. I am in love with Bellavitano :) So anyhow I probably should check with Tony about pulling out the whole cheese and fish diet... but I'm thinking for now... this is going to stick... everyday I get to look forward to my love affair with Bellavitano and it's so strong... that and the fish that I don't think I'll be missing flavor. Anyhow off to the gym... I got my food and printed off my workout... not sure how much time I've got for the computer... but I'm back with a plan and even maybe a show... still ironing out the details to see if its a go... I'm not saying a thing unless I'm doing it for sure :) :) :)

Internal Dialogue

2010-07-09T10:24:00.002-07:00

Today is my day off and thus after a busy weekend of celebration and then being thrown back into the work week I am sitting here realizing I yet again have allowed myself to lose focus, a missed workout here leads to sliding on my diet leads to feeling like crap... and I'm on the hamster wheel again of life.... and sometimes you have to stop and jump off and evaluate your internal dialogue. I realize fully that my failures have everything to do with what is going on in my head. And with this realization I have told myself again and again I just need to keep going through the motions, jump back on when I fall and eventually my head will get on board with the program... but it hasn't as of yet. I still wonder in my head which is not reality btw I wonder is it all worth it... which I realize is like saying am I worth it. And where did I get to this place where I wonder if I'm worth it. And I realize I need to be doing this for me. I need to take care of my body for me... that's where the motivation will come from. I think back and I think I really was one of the few who made changes and made them for life... I became the lifestyle. So I'm not quite sure how I let the lifestyle slide here and there... never completely but enough to say I'm not and let me say this again... I'm not where I want to be... where I'm at right now is not the lifestyle I envisioned for myself... Do you ever think about that? Do you ever stop in the middle of the rat race and think is this the life I envisioned for myself. Which leads me to thinking what is it that I envision for myself. And that right there is my problem. I know I'm not where I want to be... but where is it I want to go... and yes you should know where you are going. We can't really take a day for granted. But we do... we have allowed so much chaos to enter our lives that sometimes we don't even realize its pulling us into a living day to day in the chaos... and maybe it is expending energy that we could be using to get what we want from this life.

I'm not trying to seem all depressed because thats not it at all... some of the rat race and let me tell you working in the ER is definitely a rat race... my head is spinning most days when I leave there and luckily I can't recall most of what happened... just because it is so chaotic... I don't really ever take my job home with me. I know when I'm there I make a difference... my patients love me and l love them... I know this part of my life is worth it... every minute of it.

Being a parent absolutely worth it... I'm not sure I'm as good at it as I had envisioned... but I've simply been blessed with the most amazing kids.

Being someone that competes in figure competitions... maybe not that high on my list of priorities. I love to have that goal to train for... I love the friends I've made along the way of competing... I love the lifestyle... I love being on the stage... I love being in front of the camera... I love talking about the lifestyle... I hate eating chicken every flippin day LOL ! Kidding we eat more than chicken... but lets face it... the diet is what makes or breaks this lifestyle and not just the lifestyle of the figure competitor but how about the health of every human being. Can we stick to portions... can we plan our meals and stop running to this restaurant and that restaurant and when you are there who doesn't have the devil on there back saying I'm here I'm not eating salad and if I eat the salad... I'm probably eating more cals or fat than the steak... my eating has been out of control and its not just about the lifestyle of the competitor its about my health and how I feel in my clothes and how my body feels.... and eventually it will all catch up with me. I'm 36 years old and right now I could pass for a lot younger... I do all the time... but how about when I'm 50. How do I want to look and feel when I'm 50. How I look and feel is important to me... being youthful and healthful well into the end of my life has always been highly important to me. And I think how I have lived my life so far has reflected this... but I could be doing better...

And so that's what I'm thinking... I'm yet again jumping back on because I've fallen... and I'm thinking about that internal dialogue and what is important to me... how I see my life... how I see Tina... what I want for her not just right at this moment but into the future. Health and vitality are very important... more than food... I can tell you that much. It's not just about the vanity, its about how I see myself and where I see myself and taking the time to say I'm worth it and I have to figure out away to get what I want out of this life and see me through the chaos. Huh funny thats it too for me I'm struggling to see through the chaos and come out on top.

First things first.... get my shit together!

The blog, the gym, the diet, my goals ?

2010-06-27T19:15:00.001-07:00

Ouchie!

2010-06-04T09:58:00.002-07:00

Well I figured I should haul out the laptop and write a little since I've had lots of concerned friends... apparently I have been MIA! And it is true... I've been preparing to move, moving, working... trying my hardest to stay in the gym... failed a bit on that one... trying my hardest to stick to my diet... doing really good most of the time and failing HARD several times in the last few weeks. What I can say is I've been having fun, laughing again, feeling like life really is going to go on. I feel like the last year I've been stuck in a holding ground... trying desperately to find a sense of me, trying to create a new life. Trying to decide what parts of my life to hang on to and what parts to let go. Being a figure competitor is what I do... and in it's time it almost has to be all consuming... I'm not sure tho I can be a competitor 365 days a year... I've really enjoyed letting life come back to me... I miss being in hard core training... miss being a lean mean fighting machine... but lets face it a womans body is not meant to be that lean all the time... you really have to fight to keep it that way... I don't wanna fight that hard all the time. I want to sit with my daughter and watch tv sometimes... I absolutely could not do that before... I couldn't settle down enough to watch... my focus was so intense I lost sight of life. Now these aren't excuses... and I want that body again... I want to train that hard again with intense focus... but I think I needed that time. I'm okay with how my body looks right now... I'm super soft... a bit muscly underneath all that softness... I hate the way my clothes fit... but maybe I just need some clothes that are not size 2 and 4... but I won't... cause then I'd be a six ;) Stupid I know.

Anyhow I'm still in the gym... I'm really really hurting this week bad... I think Tony changed up some of my workouts... and I'm hurtin BAD!!!!!!!! I'd really like to start stepping it up and including some cardio... Problem is I HATE cardio... always have ! I think T is going to have to trick me into doing some.

My goal is to make something new and on plan at least once each week. Today I'm thinking something thai with fish and I saw this cucumber salad recipe that totally looked on plan... I'll share soon.

I also am thinking just thinking about making a definite decision on a show... I've been going back and forth as to when... where... I know I'm doing one that's all I know for sure. Its been hard for me to look at everyones show pics and follow you to the stage I know it sounds selfish.... but it pulls at my heart strings... I know I have to be ready... and when I look I just want to jump right in... I think now tho... I think I might just be ready... all I know is I'm just barely looking and it's pulling :)

Catching up !

2010-05-20T06:58:00.001-07:00

I am laying in bed and it feels so good I don't wanna get up and get moving... My room is filled with the fresh spring air, the sun is shining out my window and the birds are chirping... Awww... oh and my pillow is so cozy :). I've been a bit sleep deprived... Kims visit was so much fun... Granted I had to work 12 hour days for her visit... So I missed out on a lot. What I missed out on is Kim competed !!!!!!! Do not ask me how it happened because my head is still spinning. She took 1st overall in bikini and 3rd in figure ! And I can't believe how mature her muscle has become... While I've been slacking she's taking everything she's learned from doing my dreambodies workouts with me and been kicking ass in the gym. Now she doesn't have to do the diet to look stage ready... Not one bit of prep... Just sickening genetics and well she's never had kids. I'm so proud of her though she wore my Arnold suit and my shoes that were a size too big for her and all of my jewelry and I tanned that girl up before I left for work. I still can't believe she got out there and did it !!! We are planning on another show this fall but we haven't figured which one yet!
We hung out with the judges and show creator and the competitors this weekend. Yvonne the show creator who is a bodybuilder competing in Junior Nationals came up to me and asked me why I didn't do the show... Open the flood gates why don't you :) She said last year I had one of my clients of many years come up to me and asked why you didn't place better... She said you stole the show... You could tell you love this sport and you have fun doing it. I know I was not lean enough... The problem then was sheer stress... I moved started a new job was going through a horrible divorce... Even though I was doing everything right... My body was fighting me horribly. And I think that's why I was able to get up on that stage and say F it... I'm having fun with this. I have all the pieces to really place well in this sport... Sure a tummy tuck and boob job would take my physique to the top... But even without that... I think my stage presence has really soared... My muscle has grown and matured... I have God given symmetry... I have a ton of willpower... I just need to want it bad enough... I got to stop babying myself because babying is so self indulgent and really I've never in my life known self indulgence like I know it now ! Just so many years of pushing to do it all to prove you can have it all if you want it bad enough ! Thing is I still want it bad enough... I want it all... I don't want to hold back... And yet I am because its easier maybe to say is it worth it ? Which is basically saying is this world worth it... Because I feel sometimes like everyone let's me down... Nobody wants it like I do so F it. But thing is the only one really losing is me ! Because again I know that's an excuse !
So anyway... I was having myself some self talk the other day... Because I needed it... And I came to the conclusion that I need to trust in Gods plan for me... If I am true to me then I am being true to God and his plan. Its really that simple. God probably doesn't care about bodybuilding... But it was in his plan for me... And I have a feeling its not leaving !

Have a great day and be true to you !
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TGIF... Actually Sunday for me... Back to

2010-05-14T06:55:00.001-07:00

Work tomorrow... I've been off the last three days... Not sure where the days went... Spent a ton of time on the phone catching up with people... This weekend is the Madison show... My friend Arv is coming to town to compete... I do believe if it wasn't for my constant nudging Arv would have never started competing now he's an addict to the sport... Its great. Not sure if I'll get to see some of the show or not... It will be a big rush to get down there after a 12 hour day of work... I was not able to get the show off... Kind of sad because for the last two years this was my show. This year I'm still not positive on a show but I will be doing one... Because next year I plan on having a big year !!! I wish there was unlimited money and time because I really would love to do some training on the side... Seems like I spend a lot of my time teaching and talking to people about making lifestyle changes... I'd really like to get them into the gym with me because 90% may be diet... But the gym is where the mental training happens... Its where you learn your inner strength and where you learn that babying yourself gets you no where. Its between you and the iron and nobody else. Thanks Tori for all of the comments if you are reading... I was out for sushi last night and my phone kept lighting up... It was like you were there with me lol ! I love to know what you're thinking when your reading !
Okay I'm finishing my raspberry and mango (frozen fruit) and muscle gauge cake batter protein smoothie... Mmmmm I made it so thick you have to eat it with a spoon :P. That's breakfast because for the last week or so I haven't been able to stomach oats or eggs... Not sure what's up with that... I actually think its hormones that are making me feel like I'm prego nausea blahhhhh... Don't worry I'm not I'm positive :) Tony wants pictures next week... No more excuses... Which is fine I would have sent him some before, okay I'm not super lean but I'm not in disgust with my body... I like having curves... But I am ready to take this body back to the stage! I can't wait too because I move into my condo next week and there are wood lamenate floors to practice my posing... Okay there not like my brazillain cherry floors that I miss so much but seriously I miss practicing posing at home in my big mirror and watching my body change... It really turns into an obsession only a figure girl can understand... But on carpet... It just hasn't been the same. Which brings me to another thought... Then really I'm heading to the gym. I think sometimes people think us figure girls are not normal woman... I think they look at us like we are overly obsessed with our bodies and selfish and all sorts of labels. A girl I work with said I couldn't believe when I saw your pictures online I formed an opinion about you without even realizing it and now that I've gotten to know you... Your not how I thought at all. Nope I'm just Tina nothing and no one will ever change me. Sure with this sport you do seem selfish it takes soooo much time and energy to fight your body to extremes it is not comfortable with... You do have to look at your body a lot... You have to get comfortable with it... And if you are a woman... I don't care what you look like being comfortable with your body is a huge milestone. But at the end of the day I still struggle with making the right choices with food sometimes I make the wrong ones... I'm not super human ! But I know how to get the job done and with the help of my trainer I will get the job done again and take this lil ol body and shock you into believing its possible even for you if you want it what ever it is you want. Sure the extremes we go to in this sport are not healthy... But the premise behind bodybuilding which is clean eating and strength conditioning will help you in all of your endeavors in life whatever they may be. Clear mind, strong body... That's what I'm talkin about !
OMG ... <--- let me emphasize that's a total valley girl OMG lol Kim just called and even tho I have to work all weekend she's heading down to see me and were heading to the show and to the gym !!!! I think its Christmas !!! She has no idea how much I need her right now ! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy !!!
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Feelings

2010-05-06T07:35:00.001-07:00

I read a quote a while back that said " Feeling are just feelings... They go away " I don't know why but I stored that quote in my phone a while back because even though at the time I wouldn't let it mean anything to me... I must have known I would need that quote and I would allow it to mean something to me one day. Well it means a lot to me... Like right at this very second I'm feeling a lot of anxiety. I've been reading through competing websites because I know I want it again but when I look at them, when I talk to my competing friends I just get sooooo much anxiety. I'm trying to understand what that means. Why does it make me cry. Why is there such a wall separating me from indulging back into the sport. I think its possible I blame competing for losing me... Subconsciously of course. Its weird I can't really explain it... For as much as I love something I also really hate it !
Anyhow... this feeling thing and that quote can really be applied to anything... My relationship with anything and how much I allow feeling to dictate my reactions when infact I could possibly deny my feelings because they are just that feelings and really truthfully my feelings aren't always right and they don't always know what's good for me... Following my feelings does not always lead to long term happiness. Eating that pancheros border bowl with blue chips (which btw I've been craving for dayzzzzzzzz) is not equated to how I will feel if I stick to my diet and feel in my clothes in a month from now. But boy in a bout a second I could totally rationalize how that bowl will make me happy and fill me with love... Party in my mouth so to speak :)
Anyways I've just been trying to pay attention to my feelings and not let them dictate my actions... Its like sitting at a train station watching the trains go by... The trains carry my feelings in and out of the depot. I'm not sure anyone can understand. And its kind of a bold statement... But I guess consider your feelings and how they are affecting your actions and are your actions in line with your goals... And are your actions and feelings in line with what you want out of life. And maybe the feelings don't ever go away... But you can manage them and eventually they will lose their power. Anyhow just thinking. Kicking the diet and workouts into over drive cause it just feels good, and its good for me... And its in line with my goals :)
Oh and if you have not tried a half a scoop of cake batter protein in a serving of fage greek yogurt with a little sf ff pudding mix (cheesecake and chocolate ) for those times when you need a cheat but are still wanting to stay close to your goals... OMG... Tastes so heavenly. <-- sometimes its okay to go on a feeling... I don't have one ounce of remorse... Going for big body changes this week and that was a secret weapon ! Stay tuned I'm on to something !
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Thinking about diets...

2010-05-03T12:38:00.002-07:00

So I was a diet addict back in the day. Brianna pulled out the big box of pictures the other day and I was mortified to look at all those pictures of me in my 20s... I was so depressed I didn't know how to lose the weight... I was always on a diet and nothing ever really worked but I knew if I let go of the diet mentality who knew how big I would get. I am from a family of woman that are BIG. My mom without ever really saying anything always feared I would turn out like my Dads side of the family... I know this bothered her... I felt it... I knew it... and that was not going to be me. Only thing is I look at those pictures and that was me. We were so poor back then... So I never had clothes that fit me so that only makes all of those pictures even worse. It didn't matter that I was making myself suffer... I would run at least 6 miles a day... I would do this diet and that diet... anything on the cover of a magazine... anything on an informercial... any new book or diet craze... I would go to the library and take out the book... I would borrow diet books from my aunt and my ex's mom. I did every diet... and sure they would work for a week or so, but non of those diets are sustainable.

I guess I'm thinking about this lately because I'm wondering as I talk to people about their struggles with getting into that mentality where things just start to happen... where it is no longer a diet but a lifestyle. What clicks. Its funny how uncomfortable people get around me when they talk to me about their struggles with the weight and they are eating something they know they should not be eating. I don't judge them... really I don't... I know the struggles... I know how impossible it is to get into that mind set of making it a lifestyle change. Is it all or nothing ? When do you say "I CAN DO THIS... I WILL DO THIS... and THATS that.. you just do. Right now this second, the next minute, into the next hour... the next day... you do everything it takes to keep pushing the envelope until... damn it there is no stopping you... you are that transformation you see in the infomercials... but not just for a day... this is your life... you love making the right choices... you love the way it makes you feel... you love the way you look... you can walk into the mall... and I do remember doing this... when every stinking dress in that store was made for you... how are you going to choose... when every pair of jeans shows off your ass better than the last and how are you going to choose. When you know you've got it... not just the body... but the mind to take you where ever you want to go.

I truly know this feeling and it doesn't come from a diet... it comes from a lifestyle!

Jamie Olivers Food Revolution

2010-04-25T23:56:00.002-07:00

I stayed up all night watching all of the episodes of this show. It really sparked my passion and where my head has been at the last few weeks. I cried every episode at least once. This show means something to me first because I know the ignorance and defensiveness... I've always been interested in health and nutrition and people. I've always been trying to find a way to better feed my family... I've always tried to help my family and friends get on board with the things I've been learning. If you've been my friend over the years even way back when I'm sure you can remember almost all of my conversations involve food, nutrition, weight loss... Like I said I've been on every diet... and I'm not kidding when I say that and if you've known me over the years you know this is true. Some of the research and diets I have tried over the years are sound nutrition and gave me results... but none of them have had the impact that working one on one with Tony has had in my life. He really got into my head and even when my head has been wary over the last year he has continued to make an impact on what I was thinking. I think it's funny because he asked me the last time we talked how I feed Brianna... and with every answer he just gave an oh I see. Not really judging me because he knows to the battle we are up against when it comes to our children when it comes to our country... but he also knows me and knows him saying nothing at all but asking the question was enough for me to say in my heart... OH NO!!!!! Yes it's true... she loves the food I eat... and many times I am reluctant to share it because you know what happens... lol... she eats the whole crockpot of food like she's never seen food before. That is the truth... and I should be ashamed because I know better. I could write you a whole bunch of excuses right now as to why I've allowed her and bought for her the processed foods but there is NO EXCUSES! She loves the fresh food... and if the other things are not available she can't eat them simple as that. And I know better... I was really passionate about changing the way we feed our children in our schools when I was in nursing school I got involved with a project with the public heath department about surveying middle school children about nutrition and getting ideas from them on how we could change the way we feed them. Thing is our nation is really not that brilliant when it comes to nutrition. First you have to eat clean... each and everyday... I've talked with you about how that crap food changes your pallet, making it only be satisfied with foods that are saturated in sugar and fat... making the clean food actually taste bad and flavorless. When you are eating clean foods you will be satisfied with a lot less calories and the energy source from the food will be more available without sugar surges and crashes. There is so much more I could talk about in this post but what I really want you to do is take a look at this show... if you are not seeing the reason in feeding your children or yourself clean healthy food... maybe this program will respark your passion for your health like it has me.

I'm not sure if I just can't view this site right now because of my computer or if it's the website that is having trouble but you also can view the show if you are interested on youtube just search Jamie Oliver food revolution episode 1... there are 6 episodes and 4 parts per episode.

2 Days of clean eating down !

2010-04-25T14:50:00.004-07:00

Well I'm on a roll... and I was still social. It wasn't easy but I've decided... it's time to have some self respect. Yes... that is a problem for me. I give, give, give... and in the last few days I said NO when it wasn't good for me... that means food... that means relationships. NO... NO... NO! Wow and you wouldn't believe how much NO in two days I had to consciously state. I realize how much YES I say and in many ways I like to say yes... because I'm getting something from YES... but yes means a lot of times not working out, not planning, not eating right... and well I have a responsibility to take care of ME ! And I almost have to discipline myself to do it.

I've found myself talking about my body building... with yes even Doctors! One of my doctor friends was saying to me the other day... if I just could uncover my abs. And again I said Ab's are made in the kitchen... I feel like I should make a tape recording of this speech because I realize everyday there are people out there who are really into fitness but they are totally missing the nutrition link and nutrition is everything. Weights and cardio are important too... I'm not saying that... but without diet... you are not going to see results. My doctor friend says to me I think I need a trainer. I said... you don't need a trainer as much as you need someone to teach you about diet. He says to me I eat lots of meat... all lean though... mostly chicken and fish... and veggies... and I don't drink... I think it's aging. And I say, yeah well how many meals are you eating a day? And he says maybe 2! Okay there you go... there is your problem... your furnace is asleep. I know this all too well. There are no short cuts... I believe you've got to eat... you've got to eat clean... you've got to take in enough protein to rebuild the muscle you are breaking down in the gym... you need a serving or 2 of healthy fats and carbs for when you are going to use them, and no more than you are going to use... you've got to make that body go after that fat. If you are not eating it's going to hold on to the fat. If you are not providing your body with constant sources of energy your body is going to hold on to what you are giving it when you finally give it something. Sure there are exceptions to the rule... if you never give your body fuel... like with anorexia... or you are an alcoholic... you will eventually burn the fat and muscle... I see this in the ER everyday. But skinny fat... yeah that's my Dr. friend... that's many of you out there who appear lean in your clothes and not with your clothes off.

It helps me to really get into this lifestyle... I love this stuff and living it and sharing it makes me feel good. Sure very few people will ever listen to the advice I give because there is so much more to making these changes. Their is sooooo much more. I know a lot and I still know there is so much more to learn. I do understand from living it though that the body is much more complex than we can even begin to understand. But I do know what works... and it's not easy. It requires commitment and discipline. And I'm not sitting on my high horse. I know how tough it is. I want ice cream and pizza and mexican and sushi and did I say ice cream. And sometimes I don't want to care. But when you know better it just nags at you to do the right thing. I comes down to self respect. You know you want it. You want to take care of yourself. You deserve to love your body, not only the way it looks but the way it feels. I believe in you and I believe you want it just as much as me... and I bet just like me if you look at all of the reasons why you aren't doing it... every reason is an excuse... there are ways around your excuses... think of some and share them with me.

I don't have time... yeah well driving for take out takes longer than grabbing some chicken out of the freezer and throwing it on the george foreman. Break your tongue of the cycle to go for the garbage food that it's gotten use to... it can get use to clean foods again... it takes time but it will get use to them again and like them.

I've got a pork tenderloin in the crock... I added red potatoes and carrots for Brianna... she loves the starchy carbs and they will fill her up better than all that garbage food she eats and she likes them better. She keeps grabbing the lid off asking if they are done yet. Why am I so lazy that I can't even do that? I can do that for her and me everyday.

Finding my way back to ME with some self respect !

I like these pics because they are from 3 weeks out from a show... all I had been doing to stay right here is eating mostly clean and working out. I remember sending Tony these pics and he said... I knew we would have some work to do because he knew I was not doing any cardio... but this shows you how you can maintain a very healthy body that maybe isn't show ready... but definately swim suit ready... definately summer clothes ready... without even being extreme. I felt on top of the world then despite how everything around me was falling apart. I was in control of my eating and working out... I could handle anything thrown my way. I may not be where I was in these pics but I'm not that far away.

Time for some discipline... which also includes a trip to the gym... off to the gym I go :)

Weight Loss

2010-04-23T07:51:00.004-07:00

UGH... I don't even know if I should be preaching this right now... I went to try on my short shorts and I was basically stuffing a sausage lol... really its not funny! What is wrong with me. Thing is... I don't even care... I do... but really I don't. Sometimes I think... it's just to hard to care. And the thing is I know better... I know a lot after working with Tony for 2 years... I don't know everything... but I have him in my corner... and I am failing just enough to make it so most of my clothes fit but kind of tight and about to not fit. This is my wary mind. Probably not enough sleep... not enough alone time... lots of interference. Planning to fail by not planning at all. I feel like I'm on the hamster wheel and I need to stop and break this horrible cycle I'm in. Do you ever feel like you are bombarded with so much information ? I remember being in a similar cycle before working with Tony and dreambodies... all of the ads for this cleansing diet and that low calorie/low carb diet... I've done them all... I know the LIES the general public is being told. Here is the thing... it's not a diet... it's a lifestyle... you want a certain body you have to do what it takes to get it and keep doing it each and everyday. There is NO way around it. And mentally I've been fighting eating like a bodybuilder... like for instance and forgive me for being honest... but we hiked all day the other day... and before the hike which was totally so much fun by the way... we climbed boulders straight up the side of a mountain on devils lake... I'm pretty sure you are suppose to have supports and harnesses when scaling rock... I was kind of scared but it was fun :) But anyhow before the hike I told my BF I was not eating out with him anymore... and he said yeah right and I said I'm not watch me... and then he took me out for Mexican authentic Mexican... Ugh... yeah I know the worst food on the planet. I should have got the chicken fajitas and I still would have been on plan mostly... but I had the chicken fajita quasidilla which was probably still fine there was not cheese but the worst part chips! That is not in line with my goals... I know better than this... and I know the whole time he's thinking... she preaches all this stuff and then look at the choices she makes... and I can't call it a cheat meal... I just said I was sticking to plan. But here's the thing... that hamster wheel I'm on... I'm only moving further away from my goals. It doesn't really matter why I'm doing it right now... It's just got to stop. I'm acting like I don't know better but I do know better... and when you know better you got to do better! I know for the general public... they know better... but they don't really know like I know. I mean I really know... I've seen what diet and lifestyle can do for the body and mind... I see the years it takes off the energy it creates... I also see everyday in the ER what diet and lifestyle can do to the body. It's really not a choice it's really not just about fitting into those short shorts... it's about feeling healthy and clean and light and alive! I know that feeling... I can taste that feeling... Mexican did not make me feel that way at all. However it was reallllllllly good Mexican :) BLAH!

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

~ Nelson Mandela

Gym tyme!

Lol !

2010-04-22T07:03:00.001-07:00

Just laying in bed about to get motivated to go after another 12 hours in the ED... I'm playing around on my phone and all of a sudden I get Tony's latest blog post... I love this post... It made me smile, because I can still remember the day I first put the power of my mind against the defeat I was experiencing in the gym and saw it go to work. It was early on in my dreambodies program and I was struggling with preacher curls and no matter how little weight I was trying to move I could not move the weight... I sat there on the bench and started to cry... I knew right then I was crying about something going on inside that I wasn't even aware of... That something was getting in the way of my workout and making me weak... It was my mind that was weak and not my muscle. I have been experiencing this for about a year in the gym... I've been going easy on myself with the weight... Backing away from doing shows... Etc... Because my mind is soooooo wary... And that makes my body wary... AND I know this... I'm in the gym and I'm trying to fight it... I'm trying to find the mental separation almost where the strength of my mind over powers all of the negative thoughts. What is so weird is this is so not like me... I preach positively... I'm a pretty happy person... I've got a lot of stress in my life right now and I'm allowing it to consume me. I need my strength right now... I have to find that separation... I don't know the answers but I know they start just like it started for me that day when I said to myself this doesn't make sense... I thought about how mush Tony preaches the power of your mind... And I grabbed that weight and I don't know what happened but I curled that weight not once but 6 reps... The weight I couldn't even budge. Go check out Tony's post ... www.dreambodies.net\blog !

Off to the ED... Then to the gym for a midnight workout... Did this last night and it was kind of fun !
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I want it again!!!

2010-04-18T08:42:00.002-07:00

I don't really know what made me get this feeling... I wish I could explain it... But I'm ready and I want it... I want to compete again. There are so many doubts that were really covering up my dreams... and so what if they are just pipe dreams... so what if all that energy amounts to nothing... I want the stage again. I think it's been there all along... just so many doubts and so much questioning. Thing is my dreams are so much bigger than the stage... but the stage is a big part of it. And it's not enough for me to say that I've done it... move on... what's next... I'm burying this dream because letting it surface is tough. They wouldn't be dreams if it was easy. I know my potential... I know my heart... and when it gets set on something there is no stopping it. The more I try to bury it... the harder it gets. And why am I burying it you may ask... I don't like being judged. I don't like people talking behind my back... I like to remain small. I've thought about deleting this blog a million times because I care what people think and say about me... it's what's kept me small. Because I'm not small... I have a huge passion for people and life. Competing gives me a platform to train with that intensity... that intensity sparks my passion. I'm in the gym and I can see the changes in my body with the training over the last 2 and a half years and I'm dying to uncover it like in that skinny little picture up there. Who is that girl... was I really that skinny? And apparently according to the judges if you remember... I was carrying too much body fat... WHAT ? That's funny... no I think it's just lose skin and not enough muscle to fill it in. Pretty excited. I would like to find a July or August show and then I would like to do the INBF ford show here in Madison... maybe I can get a good fan turn out !

Work has been really inspiring. One of the girls just started working with Tony... she has 6 kids and you wouldn't know it... so exciting. And everyone has apparently seen my pics... Thanks Justin ! But maybe it's a good thing... because they are part of my plan to keep me accountable and inspired.

Okay as for the cake batter protein... ummmm I need more fage. This stuff does not mix well in water... however I had it in my oats and it was pretty damn good. I just know I'm going to love it in the fage. I also got a little container of ice cream sandwich... I'll let you know what that's like.

Off to the gym soon... then just spend the rest of the day unwinding.. I've got work at 3am on monday... and I triple checked... it is 3 am this time.

Wide awake

2010-04-15T20:18:00.001-07:00

Ugh... Okay so I don't get to sleep until late last night and I had to work at 3am... Or so I thought... I get to work and everyone is like what are you doing here you don't work till 7am... A 7 to 7 not 3 to 3. And I'm thinking great I can go back to bed and I can feel my bed calling me only problem by the time I get home I lay down fall asleep its time to get up and commute again... And not only that I figured I could make it till 3 pm on no sleep but not till 7... And it was a day from hell... No time to eat all day... And now I'm laying here wide awake get tired as all heck... No workout... Gawwwwww.

But on a positive note my Bodybuilding.com order is here :) In the box on the counter waiting for me to bust it open :) So I'm off to bed its cake batter oats in the mornin :)

Nite nite !!!!

And thanks Kathi for reading and the comment... I'm looking forward to your recipes :)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Fage Yogurt!

2010-04-14T05:49:00.004-07:00

Well you know when the whole greek yogurt craze started I just couldn't get that into it. I would go to the health food store in Marquette and I couldn't find any greek yogurts that were high enough in protein and low enough in carbs to make them worth the price. Okay and Brianna is giving me heck right now for buying the Fage yogurt because it is expensive... but OMG it is soooooooo good. And for 90 calories, 7 gm of carbs and 15 grams of protein... I love it with a half a scoop of protein powder and a touch of stevia... it's almost as good as a Cold Stone... really that good. I also love it with a touch of sf ff pudding powder... makes it sweet and even thicker and creamier !!!

What I really can't wait for is I finally broke down and ordered some protein powder... I've been going through all of my old stuff and I'm almost down to nothing... so I ordered some cake batter Muscle Gauge... recommended by April... I'm way too excited to try it in my fage yogurt... seriously Houston we have a problem here... I can't afford this stuff as much as I like it.

I also had a gift card to use up for Barnes and Noble so I got me a Clean Eating magazine and the new Clean Eating book... I've been reading about food so much it's making me crazy hungry...

I'm trying to think of a way to make my clean eating a family affair. It's true... when I'm contest prepping I make my food separate from Brianna's. Well let's face it she makes her own food most of the time. But what that has lead to is me being extremely bored with my food... and I've completely forgot how to cook. I use to be a pretty good cook. So I'm trying to figure out a way to do that again. No more meal plan eating... although really Tony taught me how to clean eat... the meal plan just keeps me in line... but by now I know how to stay in line and get results without being nailed to a meal plan. The meal plan is nice when you are trying to get down the pounds and stripe the body fat... it takes the focus off the food... but you can't live like that for life. And since I've forgotten how to cook... then when I crave something with flavor and good... I reach for the bad convenience stuff. I feel if I get myself a handful of really good recipes with leftovers... I will have a base for feeding Brianna and I some tasty stuff that's not processed, full of fat, and chemicals. Stay tuned I'll let you know what I'm trying. If you've got any idea's your favorite go to clean eating recipe please do share. There are so many recipes out there but it's hard to find that go to recipe that remains on your menu once a week because everybody loves it.

So I'm pretty excited that I'm not focused on competing right now. It's going to allow me to be more creative. I still have to eat right... we all do. Our bodies depend on it. Off to the gym... Gawww it's leg day the Dreambodies way... which is totally killer and I really am trying to say I love leg day... but really I b*tch about my legs hurting all the freaking time. But I figure if I hurry I'll be back to meet the fed ex man with my Muscle gauge protein... I can't wait to try this stuff!!!

Sugar nation!!!

2010-04-12T07:26:00.003-07:00

So the other day I was talking to my boyfriend about the Dew... yeah you got it Mountain Dew... I had this conversation with my Brother many years ago and I got him to at least change to diet Dew. I thought that was good advice at the time... and I'm not sure how I feel about it now. But when you think about how each 12 ounce can of Dew contains a quarter cup of sugar and 170 calories and these men are drinking 4-6 24 ouncers a work day... it's got to be a start. Of course water would be better. Lets face it the soda industry basically runs the world... we are a soda drinking nation...

But have we ever thought about this ???

When we ingest sugar we limit the bodies ability to fight infection for about five hours after ingestion... there have been numerous studies. Their was recent information released by John Hopkins University that they believe sugar is the number one feeder of cancer cells and that we all have cancer cells living in our bodies... when we feed them sugar we are keeping them alive and allowing them to grow and enumerate. Really interesting stuff I've been reading.

And I've been thinking lately, all because I'm passionate about this stuff... how do we get our nation to even come close to making the link betweeen their bodies, their choices, their health... between instant gratification and long term gratification. I can sit on both sides of the fence... and right now I'm sitting kind of the middle understanding where both sides are sitting and realizing as nurse... we really don't have a choice.

I work in the ER and nutrition plays a huge roll in every case I see. But you know what... how do we change... when as a nation we all live this way... until we get that big scare and there's no going back... and even then do we make the changes we need to make ?!?

For most people their figure will get them to make the changes before their health... that's interesting isn't it. We can't always see the long term negative affects of our choices. And many times... like my mom says about her smoking... somethings going to kill me if it's not the smokes it will be something. And mom forgive me for using you as an example but you got to love this one... her high blood pressure has nothing to do with her smoking. Oh mom :)

I really don't like to be the one to tell mom or bro or boyfriend they should make some changes... because well... I love them just the way they are... But sometimes they just don't know... and sometimes we really don't know. But sometimes I think we don't have choice... as a nation... we need to stop the insanity... it's crazy what a sugar nation we have become and many of us don't always stop and think about tomorrow.... where we could be tomorrow...

And I know what clean eating and working out does for the body and for the mind. And I made some poor choices this weekend while we were having fun on my weekend off... and I know how that made my body feel... I feel sluggish and achy and I bet I get sick. It was kind of fun being irresponsable but I bet we could have had just as much fun making good choices... Tony wrote a post for all of us... kind of funny how he posts it on Monday knowing quite well what happens to many of us on the weekend... even those of us that should know better .

And well you live and learn.... and I'm doing both! Off to the gym... to make me some muscle! Followed by some clean eating because those choices made me feel like HELL!

Good Morning :)

2010-04-09T06:05:00.003-07:00

So I have been thinking... I talk so many people everyday that want me to help them get off the pounds... they ask could I really look like that... Wow you are an inspiration... They look at my before's and after's and say WOW they are real... and I usually down play it... like you mean all of those before and afters out there for all of the various programs are not real ?

Here's the thing... many of the transformations out there are real... but many times the models have sold or donated their photos saying the product got them the results in exchange for money or fame. I know this because I know many competitors that have done this... heck there are many celebreties that do this all the time. But many times it was a program like one followed by bodybuilders that got them those results.

Yes my transformation is real... yes you can have it... yes I know what it takes to get you there... yes I owe it alllllllll to Tony and Dreambodies. It's a real program to get real results. But it's not easy... we would all be running around with 6 pack abs if it was easy.

I'm going to change the focus of my blog right now to living healthy, being fit, and include what I'm doing each day, how I'm feeling. I don't know... I guess I'm going to be exploring how to be Tina... I don't think I'll change the title tho... in my mind I will be stepping on that stage again... when it's right and it's time.

Today is back day... I woke up and had my oats and whey... apple cinnimon whey... yummo! Have we talked about how important a good breakfast is???

I could talk about breakfast till the cows come home :) Seriously... most people think count calories... skip breakfast and that leaves me more for dinner. I don't have time for breakfast. I don't like breakfast. Oh my favorite... I'm not hungry in the morning... WHAT????????!!!!??!?!?!??!?!?!

Okay first of all you are not hungry in the morning... that is a big problem... your furnace... your machine... your metabolism is asleep!!!! You need to wake it up... with breakfast... try 30 grams of carbs and 30 grams of protein and some healthy fat... NO not just a bowl of sugary cereal... although really that's better than nothing. You got to eat if you want to fire up that metabolism... you've got to use that machine if you want it to work properly. Food is your fuel... not your past time. ACKKKKKKKKKKKKKK ! I can only grip because I've been there time and time again.

I was asking a friend the other day... one again that wants to lose some weight for the summer. I said... let me guess you stop eating all day to lose weight. And she said yes... and I said... How's that working for you? She's miserable... she tends to give in and have a giant meltdown eventually... she slows her metabolism way down... I could go on and she said yeah but 10 years ago I got the skinniest in my whole life doing that. Guess what... that was 10 years ago... do you have any idea what you have done to your metabolism over that time.

We must repair our machines, fire up our furnaces.... make them burn. You got to eat.... you got to eat clean... you've got to use that machine... demand performance and you will get results.

My rant for the day !

Competing...

2010-04-08T17:39:00.003-07:00

I have decided for now to put off competing. I guess I decided a while back when I felt there was no way I could be ready for the May Colorado competition, I talked to Tony about it weeks ago... but only now have I been able to verbalize it and finally feel like it is the right decision for me right now. My heart is just not in it. And for the first time in a long time I am living this lifestyle for me without any rules or pressure to look or feel a certain way. Finding my true authentic self I think. AND you know what... it's kind of scary. I mean I have no goals right now... I just want to be... I just want to be happy... and I wonder if that's possible. I mean I am a very goal driven person... I get something in my head and there is no stopping me sometimes... thats my heart :) I know this is just a pause to smell the roses... I know whenever I've paused... my heart comes alive again. I'll be reaching for stars my whole life... it's who I am... it's what I believe. I don't believe I've packed up the bikini and heels... this is just a pause... because well... it has to feel right... I have to be driven... I can't push myself to feel something that is just not there. Now shaping my body and leaning out... I have passion for that... but it's more relaxed... I'm learning to love my body... just as it is for all of it's imperfections... I love being a woman... we truly are a gift... each one of us.

Have good night... I'm off to the gym ! BTW... I probably could be ready for a show in 8 weeks or less... when my heart gets there :) I'm not that far off :) Stay tuned !!

BTW... good luck to all of you getting ready for shows!!! I know why you are in it... keep going strong !

Hypertrophy !

2010-04-01T09:09:00.006-07:00

Kind of funny the T man wrote a blog post on Hypertrophy today. I was on the elliptical last night thinking about it... so I decided to look it up so I completely understood what I was thinking about :) Kind of funny because the word hypertrophy came to mind to describe what I was feeling... but I didn't exactly know what the word meant....lol !

Types of hypertrophy
There are two different types of muscular hypertrophy: sarcoplasmic and myofibrillar. During sarcoplasmic hypertrophy, the volume of sarcoplasmic fluid in the muscle cell increases with no accompanying increase in muscular strength. During myofibrillar hypers, being the actin and myosin contractile proteins, increase in number and add to muscular strength as well as a small increase in the size of the muscle. Sarcoplasmic hypertrophy is characteristic of the muscles of bodybuilders while myofibrillar hypertrophy is characteristic of weightlifters.

See I understand this stuff because I've seen it happen with my own body and it's so interesting to me... but I'm not to the point of understanding where I can be confident I know what I am talking about. I love this little article on Wikipedia because it's just a very simplified version where it talks about making muscle. People always ask me about nutrition and why do I have to eat 6 meals a day and why so much protein... and doesn't really matter how much I explain it... I think they get it... but do they get it enough to do it !?!

Its really interesting to me to talk to powerlifters, and have you ever noticed powerlifters do not always look like bodybuilders ? It all comes down to lifting for hypertrophy... T explains how to do this in his post. Kim and I talk about this kind of workout Tony describes in his post all the time. T has done this to us and they are of our most favorite and memorable of T's workouts. Sure I can say every workout I'm going for complete muscle failure... but these workouts are the one's where we truly experienced failure. I can still remember we were at the end of the bench press and we had to finish out with 20 reps by rep 15 both Kim and I had failed to the point where when the other removed the weight from our hands we still couldn't move our arms... the muscle had truly experienced failure :) I love that. First I experienced it and then it was Kims turn... I think she thought I was lying when I said my arm could not move... until rep 15 for her and she burst out laughing... screaming Tina remove the weight... OMG... you weren't kidding. What is Tony trying to do to us :) It was really fun to experience together. T does this in his workouts all the time... sometimes more extreme at times than others... I believe because he knows when to time things... when to change up the diet when and how to assult the muscle... Hypertrophy is a science and when you are experiencing this stuff in action with your own body.... that's when making muscle gets exciting and addicting.

So I was on the elliptical last night and I started to feel the hypertrophy addiction... I had just had a pretty good chest workout... where I was concentrating more on muscle failure and not how I'm not lifting as much as I use to lift. I started thinking I'm a building a body not muscling around weight :) Cause lets face it that's what I'm in this for... although I feel like such a wimp when I see how little it's taking to experience failure. The muscle looks full and shaped... just not tight... much like for my last competition. My body is doing some pretty amazing stuff... and I'm working on uncovering it in the kitchen. My friend was asking me the other day... so how do you get 6 pack abs. I was like I could get you 6 pack abs... easy... abs are made in the kitchen my friend. Because quit frankly I can see his muscle bellys... they are full... just need to clean up the diet. Really super simple... except for one problem... no more wings, beer, and candy bars... lol! I hope he's reading :)

Hey I'm not here to push my lifestyle on anyone. I'm just thinking... if you want it... well you can have it. Reach for the stars... that's what I'm about. What ever it is you want... why not go for it... see what happens... what's 8 to 12 weeks really. That's really all it takes to see some pretty amazing transformations in the works... who knows you might give it another 8 weeks and another and the abs may be yours for life... because well you might just find out it's pretty easy and kinda sexy and way addicting. Just like cookies and beer and ice cream... only sexier :)

Its what's for dinner :)

2010-03-30T15:43:00.001-07:00

Halibut... The world best fish grilled with Yams and my special coleslaw mmmmmm !!! Today was leg day... I was talking on the phone to my girl Kim and she says well we better get off the phone so you can get your butt to the gym... And it was true... I was up at 7 back to bed till ten hopped out put on my workout clothes ate... Then laid back down under the covers cause damn that breakfast Tony has me eating makes me feel like an after breakfast nap... But wait... I already had one of those :) then Kim called and we talked and talked and talked... But I say to her as all is silent and were about to say our goodbyes... " Here's the thing Kim...." And she bursts out laughing... And she says let me sit down and brace myself and I say... You see.... Today is LEG DAY !!!!! And that right there said it all... Explained all the procrastination :) I said to Kim remember when I use to LOVE leg day and you use to hate it... What happened... I can't even try to like it... That damn plate loaded sled is kicking my ass and I'm so tired of it. There was a time I could push my legs and push my legs and they could never get enough... Really even Kim said... Yeah we could never just do Tony's leg day... Then we had to do Tina's glute day on top of it. Well I got through Tony's leg day and that was hard enough... Still can't push these legs like I use to... Been stuck on 6 45's on the sled for 6 reps since I moved here... At one time I use to do 12 45's ! I know Tony says ego's don't build bodies... And its so true... I can barely walk for the whole week after leg day so I know I'm pushing it. I would just like to know this muscle memory they talk about when does it remember :) lol !

I'm having a lot of fun being back living the lifestyle. I'm getting a lot of my energy and lust for life back... And I have to say... It doesn't happen with just diet and it doesn't happen with just working out... It doesn't happen until you take your first step... Then another and another... Your going to fall down sometimes... Make mistakes... But just keep taking steps in the right direction and push a little harder than before... Its really not all or nothing. This is a lifestyle... Competing is taking this lifestyle to another extreme to push towards some of my goals... But overall... Finding balance in living clean, healthy, and feeling strong is just as important to me.

Anyhow... Already getting tired... Work at 3 am gawwww good thing today was leg day... I might actually get some sleep before work.

Until next time... Keep kicking it hard and keeping it clean ;)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Chicken Wings :)

2010-03-29T11:30:00.006-07:00

Okay okay okay I was a bad girl... who left me in the house alone with those things anyhow!?!

So on Saturday I went with the guy I'm seeing out to Sauk Prairie Harley for a day of motorcycle window shopping and dreaming ! Yeah for me it is a pipe dream... gonna be a long time before I get my Harley... but I'm thinking of maybe taking the driving class next year, its on my bucket list :) But it was a lot of fun... like a day at the big kid toy store :) So anyhow after hours of trying out bikes and how in the world do you decide which one is for you... all I can say is he should get a two seater ... and one with some tunes :) I wish we had had Brianna with us tho... I've never met a kid that know's more about Harleys... and cars... it's in the blood for sure... although no one she knows is really as into them as she is... kind of cute. She also is teaching herself how to play the guitar from a book... my kid amazes me everyday!

So anyhow the reason for my post... so after a day of Harley overload we were hungry so we stopped at quaker steak and lube... of course I was high anxiety and panic because I'm trying to really stick close to my food plan, so I opted for a grilled chicken salad and hoped for the best. Well Patrick got a bucket of Arizona ranch hot wings... I really wasn't even that interested... Wings are messy and a lot of work for a little bit of meat. So anyhow we ate and laughed... it was a good time. We went back to my house where he put his wings in my fridge to keep cold... and where he forgot his wings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say it was late and I had to run out to the store and I just wanted a quick feeding but I didn't have any food prepped... so I looked in the fridge and there was the bucket.... insert drool... so I was just going to have a look which turned into a lick and before you knew it I had licked those bones clean :) Mannnnnnnnn know wonder everyone is so wild about wings. Makes you just wonder what they put in those sauces... because it's made me crazy trying to figure out how I make my chicken tenderloins taste that gooooooooooooodddddddddddddddd mmmm!!!

So anyhow I wanna look like this again... well never mind blogger won't let me add any pics... how annoying!!!

But I am not going to look like that if I'm eating lube. Anyone have any ideas how to make may chicken taste like wings... I was thinking some of that Ranch dressing powder although high in sodium... it's pretty much nutritionless and some kind of hot sauce... I'm looking... but for now... I'll just behave. Gawwwwwwwww! Other than that... just working to death to see this freaking muscle... I'm so excited because I know it's going to be shocking... but I just can't seem to be good long enough to see it popping... maybe I'm just not very patient... I will give myself kuddos these last couple of weeks I've come a long way... it's just baby steps in the right direction... you can't get it back all at once... even though I want it now... perseverance, patience... I'm getting there!

Yum yum

2010-03-22T13:11:00.001-07:00

My salad with Archer Farms grill mates BBQ chicken rub ! Dressing oil and vinegar ! Be nice if Brianna didn't take her socks off and leave them on the floor... so appetizing lol!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Coping mechanisms!

2010-03-19T06:58:00.003-07:00

I had a couple of patients over the last few nights that I just can't get out of my head. I wish I could describe the situations to you... because there is so many thoughts swirling in my head about them, I think telling their story and sharing what I've learned from them would be so awesome... but unfortunately I can't. Really good, touching stories. And it got me to thinking about my friend I was telling you about that has been experiencing depression. I've really had a lot of thoughts about this lately... can't really seem to get them out of my mind.

You see I grew up a child of an alcoholic... and I was always very self aware at an early age that this affected me... I learned in my early twenties this affected me more than I ever realized... when I came across the characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics...

Common Characteristics
Isolation, fear of people, and fear of authority figures.
Difficulty with identity issues related to seeking constantly the approval of others.
Frightened by angry people and personal criticism.
~~Have become an alcoholic yourself, married one, or both. A variation would be the attraction to another compulsive personality such as a workaholic.~~ The similarity is that neither is emotionally available to deal with overwhelming and unhealthy dependency needs.
Perpetually being the victim and seeing the world from the perspective of a victim.
An overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Concerned about the needs of others to the degree of neglecting your own wants and needs. This is a protective behavior for avoiding a good look at yourself and taking responsibility to identify and resolve your own personal difficulties.
Feelings of guilt associated with standing up for your rights. It is easier to give into the demands of others.
An addiction to excitement. Feeling a need to be on the edge, and risk-taking behaviors.
A tendency to confuse feelings of love and pity. Attracted to people that you can rescue and take care of.
Avoidance of feelings related to traumatic childhood experiences. Unable to feel or express feelings because it is frightening and/or painful and overwhelming. Denial of feelings.
Low self-esteem. A tendency to judge yourself harshly and be perfectionistic and self-critical.
Strong dependency needs and terrified of abandonment. Will do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order to avoid the fear and pain of abandonment.
Alcoholism is a family disease which often results in a family member taking on the characteristics of the disease even if they are not alcoholics (para-alcoholics). Dysfunctional relationships, denial, fearful, avoidance of feelings, poor coping, poor problem solving, afraid that others will find out what you are really like, etc.
Tendency to react to things that happen versus taking control and not being victim to the behavior of others or situations created by others.
A chameleon. A tendency to be what others want you to be instead of being yourself. A lack of honesty with yourself and others.

It's funny because in my search for coping mechanisms I came across this list again... and I still have not undone all of these characteristics... but there was a time when I was younger... I had them all !!! I had to be perfect was probably the most pronounced.

I've learned that really all of that doesn't matter... I am not nailed to a stone to be a child of an alcoholic... but I think it does bring about some self awareness and gives room for growth. I still carry a few of these characteristics and I am aware that I need to be EVER so careful and continue to grow and change.

Anyhow... back to coping mechanisms... which my thoughts are swirling so much right now I fear I'll never get to the point I want to make. Let's talk about my Dad and his addictions as well as his mood swings and depression. I've always thought that it was the addiction that cost him his life... but I'm becoming more aware it may have been his depression... and even more than that his ability to cope. Depression... I've been reading may actually be just another coping mechanism.... yes think about it shuting down... moving far away from feeling. Very interesting to me and makes sense.

That brings me to coping mechanisms.... primarily my coping mechanisms in life have been depression, eating... and well now intense exercise and being in control. Which I find in a way the last two are fairly positive. Maybe at times the exercise was a little extreme... it was part of the escape.

Anyhow... a good list of positive coping mechanisms as well as identifying negative ones can be found on this page... lets face it...

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar, seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting. For in movement there is life and in change there is power ! " ~Allen Cohen

Kind of deep stuff I know for a competing website... I'm suppose to be talking about training... but I'm really working on training mind, body, spirit. I'm finally in a good place to do that. Also if you haven't checked out my Dreambodies blog I just love yesterdays post... I don't know why I just do. As well as Tony's blog his post on emotional eating is really good.

I'm off to the gym... I getting tighter... I'm seeing more and more of my back muscles each day... soon I'm going to show you!

Feeling so at peace!

2010-03-18T05:47:00.002-07:00

I was just thinking today as I make my oats... what a great week this has been!!!! So many things running through my mind this morning. First of all I was thinking about how good my meal plan is... and I'm eating the same things everyday... maybe boring... but right now it's exactly what I need... something that makes grocery shopping and food prep simple so I can get in my meals... not confuse my taste buds... which sometimes I think causes cravings. I was thinking my oats haven't tasted this good in soooo long... really there was a time when I couldn't wait to go to bed everyday because when I woke up it was oat's time again. Well for the longest time they just tasted awful... this is what even just allowing a little bit of crap food into my diet will do to my taste buds. This is so true for me because I remember way back when... when Tony would give me a cheat meal... it would take days and days for my meal plan to taste good again. I use to think Tony would give us the cheat days not because we deserved a reward but to teach us something... and even though I learned... that food is pretty tempting.

Anyhow... well Tony has me using the all so wonderful ACV with olive oil to make my salad dressing. I must say I have every vinegar possible in my fridge... I LOVE VINEGAR. And I have ACV but I've never thought to use it as a salad dressing. And well I always just use my vinegar strait up on my salads... but if T says I can add EVOO... OH HELL YEAH :) Everyone at work is like what are you eating... that smells so good. Then yesterday two of the girls at work at different times said "I went out to the store and bought some ACV. LOL! I love these people... I'm sorry but Brianna whines everytime I eat because she hates the smell of vinegar. Then one of the girls says let me see what you are eating now :) I love it. To think I was resisting eating in front of them "my food" all this time. Let just say I scarf my fish down in the locker room when it's fish time :)

But do you think about how possibly clean food ... healthy food might just not taste as good as what you think you like to eat because your taste buds have been ruined ? Have you ever and I do remember this back when my kids were little... we would go to McDonald's for the playroom in the middle of winter and we would eat that food... I can remember how it would become a habit because I swear if you let that stuff on your tongue it's the only food that tastes good... and it doesn't even taste good... lol. So anyhow I was just thinking about this.

I switched my shift today for the convenience of the ER... they needed someone for afternoons... which was great for me... I'm headed to the gym. Then maybe a run... we'll see how much time I have. I'm missing out on all this great running weather because I've been working 12 hour shifts the last couple of days. And we are snow free... but they say snow on Saturday... HOW CAN THAT BE ?!?!?!

Have a great day!!!!!

Hunger!

2010-03-14T08:48:00.002-07:00

It's kind of funny because I was just thinking about e-mailing Tony and telling him this is just too much food, I can barely finish it and my tummy is so bloated all day... and THEN this morning I woke up only 4 hours after falling asleep absolutely famished. It was sooooooooo painful I was so hungry. Seriously I couldn't just lay there I had to get up and eat something. So I stumbled in the dark and found some almonds, I had 5 and a glass of water and headed back to bed. That seemed to be enough so I could get back to sleep. Yesterday I only did abs and cardio at the gym... I think my body is just starting to really fire up! So I woke up and OMG 3/4 cup of oats, 4 egg whites, Protein shake, flax oil... and I'm already ready to eat again!!!! Yeah... you know what this means don't you... the body is ready to start responding :) :) :)

I'm not weighing myself or doing pictures... but when I woke up this morning I had that skinny feeling AND I think I lost half of my boobs... OVERNITE ! I'm really getting excited... I'm eating more than I have in months and I'm feeling skinnier. I never completely walked away from my Dreambodies program... and thankfully Tony never walked away from me. He knew when to say something and he knew when to stand silent. It wasn't all or nothing... it was more like treading water... well to Tony I told him a while back I felt I was in quicksand... but I never lost sight. I'm so grateful to have found him and the Dreambodies program... this truly has been a journey... and will continue to be.

I'm really excited to get to the gym today and finish up my last workout of the week. I'm thinking my next weekend off I'll take some pictures... maybe I should take some today just to show you what you can do in two weeks. I still can't see my muscles... first they show up in my back... when I'm at the gym and they are full I can see them working and that's exciting, they are so much bigger than before but I think that's fat making them look that way... but when I'm at home even in good lighting they are not showing up... but I'm getting close :) :) :)

Okay better run... have a good SUNDAY!!! We have Brianna's end of the year hockey party today. I almost talked her out of going because I really don't want to be around all that food... I love potluck food and I swear in the past I could put down a weeks worth of food at one of these type events... I love eating other peoples cooking... Oh gawd I just love food. That's what gets me into these messes. And to think if I ate on plan the majority of the time I wouldn't be in this mess and I could have had some potluck food today! Live and learn!

More Rambling :)

2010-03-13T07:19:00.003-08:00

Cause I'm good at it :) Truly I am... Kim always says to me... Tina that was some major randomness LOL. I think a lot about this stuff.... this has been my life long journey... I don't think about much else. It's not just fitness or getting lean or being healthy... one of my biggest passions and always has been from very early on... is what stops us from reaching for the stars! Also I have really learned so much on this journey about accepting imperfection... seriously I could cry a river just typing those words. I think about how I never had a very good body image... and Tony really taught me that my stretch marks were okay... we spent a lot of time working on that one. And it's so odd to me to think I just don't see them anymore... and for years and years and years I couldn't look at them. I wanted a great body but it was pointless in my mind to even try and attain one because I would always have the stretchmarks. Tony really taught me that imperfection is beautiful... and I see it everyday in others... even if a woman is not lean... just being a woman and letting our inner beauty shine... is so beautiful... and what's crazy is so many of us let our imperfections keep us from feeling that beauty that others can see in us. Tony talks about the ALL or NOTHING mentality in his blog post... it's a good post! Just got me thinking about this and I could go on and on....

But I want to tell you about yesterday... So I went for my first outside run since moving here almost one year ago... well that's not totally tru... I did make one other attempt last year. I tried last year... but here is the thing... first of all I love to run single track trails in the U.P. of MI where I was living before... and here I have to run in the suburbs... I mean even running by the lake here in the city... it's sad but it just stinks... pollution! Second of all... I left my dream home in my dream neighborhood for freedom... and well... I just can't run around all these million dollar houses and not miss my house. However I had a really good run yesterday... shows grieving is passing... I'm coming out on the other side. I saw forsale signs on many of the homes and I thought... oh would I love a home... but I thought about something Tony said to me a while back when I was dating... I can't quote him but he said something like... you need to take care of you right now... those stupid guys will be there when it's time... but right now you need time for you... he went on to say you finally have freedom... since when have you had that in your life... and I thought NEVER :) Well I thought about that and I thought about those houses and I thought they'll be there too someday... but right now that's not important... TINA is important.... for the first time ever I'm feeling it...

I pushed hard at times on that run yesterday... lot's of rolling hills through the suburbs... I did find some pretty neat places like a horse farm... it was the most beautiful expanse of land and some horses in the distance... the owner holding out for beauty over money because it's the only expanse of land in miles all the way around it. I also found myself nearing the end of my run looking up at a street sign that said reflection drive :) Certainly was a reflecting run... a great day... feeling at peace... I'm in a good place !

Rambling vlog and feeling good !

2010-03-12T08:35:00.007-08:00

To Be CONTINUED... I have more to say on this... I ended just when I could have gotten started... but I also needed to get into the shower and head off to work!

So I thought I would do a little vlog yesterday. It wasn't meant to be pretty... I'm all sweaty and gross... but I still have some remains of my makeup still on. I wanted to get in a vlog because I left the gym feeling pretty good. I've been struggling so much with getting to that place where I feel I am rolling and am going to be ready for this competition in Colorado. Yes I did not mention everyone that will be competing in Colorado... I forgot Margarita, Brandi, and Marissa... and I'm sure others... and if you know Margarita, Brandi, Marissa... you know I did not forget people because they are not memorable... I am also so excited to meet them and all of the girls. If I look depressed in this video... don't read to much into that... yes I've been struggling but my idea of struggling is thinking I should be able to take months and months of being sick off and on and think I should be pushing it like I was where I left off. I'm on my way back from being pretty beat up from life... and well the gyms giving me some heck too so yes I'm pretty wiped after my workouts... so maybe a little wiped, a little annoyed with myself... but mostly I'm fighting back hard and that feels soooooooo good.

Was just spending some time searching ideas for seasoning food since I might go buy me some spices today with my paycheck and I was thinking about this recipe.... Chicken Curry I might have to make this. Oh good idea. Another thing I made that was absolutely fabulous and made me think I was eating fast food... I took a teaspoon of coconut oil and put it in the pan... the stuff looks like lard... but anyhow... it was my healthy fat for the day because I haven't had the money to pick me up some flax or natural peanut butter yet... which are on my meal plan... but anyhow I fried up frozen shrimp with that... I bet you don't even eat more than a quater teaspoon of the oil because I split up the bag of shrimp into 4 servings... and OMG... it made a tasty crust on there if you fry it on high... I used my green pan from Target... just incase the pan was what made it taste so good. I'm still searching... let me know if you've got a recipe I must try :) I need help here people !

Cravings, food, sweets....

2010-03-09T07:41:00.004-08:00

So my day with my friend Al was fun... and educational. Al brought me to Penzeys spices and wow if you have one of these stores near you, you should check it out... just walking by all the spices and opening up the jars and smelling... kind of like bath and body works for the food :) I was in love... well Al was certain I needed some Vietnamese Cinnamon, so he bought me some... I had it in my oats this morning and OMG... it's good. Well Al believes in Cinnamon for all of it's health benefits... I eat cinnamon in my oats every morning because Tony told me to... Who knew I was doing good. Well the vietnamese cinnamon is recognized as the highest quality cinnamon available. Al also talked with me about my sweetner addication... yeah it's big time... and he told me about how much extra insulin surges I was causing not to mention splenda is a poison... and I'd be better off just eating sugar in his opinion. Al says a sugar is a sugar is a sugar... hmmm make me think about when Tony said this to me a while back. I've been using stevia since about the year 2000... and I like stevia... and he said he feels stevia is okay... but in the amounts that I am using, I am probably still causing some insulin surge... very interesting. Of course I have been struggling to get back to the place I was in for those first two shows and he might be on to something... I ate very clean back then... with an occasional cheat... and I am still eating very clean but if I want extreme results which I do... it takes making this a lifestyle and really for the most part giving up the sweet... and finding new more healthier ways to enjoy my food. Lets face it... I enjoy food way to much not to enjoy it.

So I've decided Al is right, Tony is right... Time to cut out the crap... start drinking my Tony Cocktail... which blew Al right out of the room when he found I drank the cocktail... he was like I might just like that trainer of yours and you should do what he is teaching you. And I do... and I know... but slowly but surely I started breaking the rules even though I didn't really feel I was breaking them at all.

On another note... I was in a conveince store the other day to get a cup of Joe to take to Brianna's hockey game. This neighbor hood I found myself in was newly built and set up for "healthy lifestyles" . I thought in a way it was kind of neat... and kind of creepy at the same time. Of course we all need to be around people that encourage our lifestyle, but still I think it's important that we remain mixed up... makes life more interesting :) But anyhow, I was in this gas station and there were a lot more healthy choices than most convience stores... and I saw these crunchy green beens... and I thought YUM... I almost bought them but like most things I questioned how they made them and are they really healthy... that is where we all get screwed ! A whole other blog post in and of itself :) But anyhow the thing that really stopped me was they were 4.50 for a small baggy! So I got home and we have these green beans in the fridge and I tried to talk Brianna into baking them while I was at work... because I just couldn't wait to try me some crunchy green beans... But she didn't that's what I'm doing today... but anyhow I got to work and Teresa... we call her Tree asked me what I thought about these... and she pulled out of her bag the crunchy green beans... and I said... I don't know what I think but let me try them... and I did.. and OMG they were good... I had an insulin surge right there I'm sure of it because that's all I have been thinking about. I'm sure mine won't taste like Tree's... those just tasted down right sinful... apparently you can get them at Trader Joe's.... but anyhow mine are about done then its shoulders at the gym.... UMMMM yesterday ended up being leg day and Ummmmmm I can't take it anymore I can't seem to recover from one leg day and I'm in sheer agony the next. But I'm making ART ... speaking of art work... Mr T has his blog up and he's got giveaways... go check it out !

Its Monday !

2010-03-08T06:34:00.001-08:00

And its going to be a fun day ... I'll tell you about that in a bit... But first... Got my meal plan from Tony on Friday... Its a lot of food... Like I just ate breakfast and I'm stuffed... I made protein pancakes with my oats, egg whites, and pp powder ... YUM YUM. So far I'm finding this big breakfast is holding me through day so I'm not feeling so famished from the get go... Takes me straight on through the day... Also had a talk with Tony and I've certainly been through a lot this past year and its not behind me... Still have a lot on my plate right now... But one things for sure... When I'm in the gym and eating right it does the mind and body good.
Thank you for all of the great comments on my post on Depression... It certainly was not a well written post... It was just me pouring out my emotion... And really I struggle with accepting that drugs have a place in treating depression... But they do for a lot of people... I've seen the night and day differences not only in my job but also in friends... They are not a miracle but they give a start to many people that would not be able to get the jump start without. I really like what all of you shared because I was talking about drugs because for this person I really don't see a better start... Even though I to do not see them as an answer. Treating any disease has to be approached holistically... This I do believe... I think achieving and maintaining balance in mind, body, spirit is so important... Its almost everything !!! All I can tell you is depression touches me nearly and dearly... And you have to fight the disease with every resource until you've won ! I know that sounds too simple... I know the beast of depression... And I know its so powerful ! But it takes lives and it doesn't have to.
I also know I can't fix depression in my friend even with knowing all the resources... My friend has to want help... And even seek help... Its my friends battle... But my friend I hope knows he's not alone.
Training is on... I've also met a new friend who I think is going to have a big impact on my training. He lives this lifestyle and so much so he's practically a walking library on fitness, clean eating (although he's never even heard of Tosca Reno), bodybuilding, and powerlifting. I listen to him talk about this stuff and all I can figure is he has a photographic memory or something... He speaks of journals he's read about this and that and its mind boggling. He's very passionate about this lifestyle... And he was crazy excited to hear I understood a lot of what he was sharing with me... Crazy thing is... I think he would be crazy excited about Tony... I really don't know as much as I should I just know what I've learned from Tony. Even though I am so very passionate about this lifestyle... And really passionate about a lot of things... I just don't spend the time backing up the passion with knowledge. I wonder why... Because I love to learn... I love to read !?! Anyhow... So after my workout he's picking me up and were going to hit all the health food stores in Madison... And he's going to share with me his "favorite things"... For me this is going to be better than a day with Oprah and her favorite things :) So exciting ! So better run its shoulders today... I'll come back later and share my day with you !
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Depression

2010-02-28T10:53:00.006-08:00

Well here is where my mind is at this last couple weeks. I've just discovered a friend has been suffering with depression and it's killing me because this disease has not only affected me personally but it has affected so many of the people that I love. It's really made me angry infact... angry enough to start feeling good again... angry enough to admit thats what's been going on with me. I'm predisposed to depression. I do believe bipolar disease is what killed my father, even though it was a drug overdose. Bipolar disease lead him to self treat ineffectively with drugs. Depression is a monster... it's out there everywhere attacking lives silently. It kills relationships, I know... it destroys everything in its path... and even though there are many ways to treat it... there is such a stigma to seeking treatment that individuals will self treat with alcohol and drugs... this is the depression lying to you. It will tell you, you are not sick. It will give you energy just when you might be on the verge of getting treatment... and tell you, your fine. It will tell you everything else in your life is the problem... it's job, it's family, it's friends... it's everything but a malfunctioning imbalance in your brain. Depression is not your fault. It's just like cancer... you'd get help take anything do anything if you could kill the cancer. Depression will steal more from you than any other disease, I believe. You'll lose time and become very forgetful because your negative thoughts will consume you. It's impossible for your friends or family members to understand, even if they've experienced depression, even if they know all I know about depression. You think you can snap out of it, your family thinks you can snap out of it... but depression doesn't work like that.

What's happening in your brain is an imbalance. Your body makes feel good chemicals endorphins... those endorphins float around in your brain and you can't feel them unless they can get through the doors to where they do their work. This is how medications can help... they can overproduce those chemicals and they can open up the doors so those chemicals can work and you feel good :) Anxiety goes along with depression because everything gets excited outside closed doors. As much as I know about depression... depression lies to me too.. it tells me but thats not you. I've always self treated my depression and anxiety, with exercise, diet, light sources... and I would never ever suggest someone try and fight depression alone. It's too STRONG!!!!!! While although our culture is always looking for a cure in a pill. I believe sometimes a pill can be a bridge...and unfortunately our treatment systems are not set up to bridge the gap between the pill and lifestyle changes. That bridge has to be sought out by the person seeking treatment. Because I also don't believe the pill can do it alone.

I'm praying everyday that this friend seeks treatment... it makes me so angry and I feel so powerless against Depression. It's such a horrible disease. If you have signs of depression or you think someone you know might be experiencing depression this is your best resource NAMI. I know what I'm up against when I'm praying for this friend to get help... Depression is one HELL of a BEAST. You have to be informed.

And I'm here writing this because I just want the stigma to go away... Lives are lost because of this disease... there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.... I don't care what disease you have... you give the disease power by letting it take your life. We've given mental illness way to much power. Trust me I use to work in this field... miracles happen... and when they don't depression won... because a miracle was possible. You can't give up... you can't let it win! You have to get up in it's face when it pushes you away... you have to fight HARD... I'm going to fight HARD for my friend Now that I know what I'm up against !

On another note... I feel really good in the gym :) I'm a lot weaker than I use to be... I was thinking yesterday I seriously look like a big bodybuilder when my muscles fill up because I have fat covering them... it makes my arms and shoulders look HUGE... but yet I am so weak... and I thought damn I was one strong lil bitch before. I can't wait to be her again... and even lil'r and stong'r. Life's good... I'm really at peace. Depression seems to have lifted. Anxiety better. Now that's a miracle... but it doesn't always work like that... just I've won the battle enough... I somehow got back here with just a lot of love and patience. Thank you to all of you out there, too many to list who truly care and gave me what I needed. "That's what lifes for"... got another Creed song playing in my head :)

A few more words....

2010-02-27T11:57:00.002-08:00

I have been working the past few days and when I work 12 hour shifts I lose days.... I again didn't get in my meals... I'm trying though... but truthfully trying is not good enough I'm 12 weeks out right now!!!!!!!

Anyhow... I've decided at least right now the 12 hour shift days I won't workout... If I feel I can get in anything it will be cardio. hopefully as I get more and more rolling I'll have built up enough endurance to run my ass of in the ER all day and head to the gym... right now it's head home put my head down for a few minutes then I hear MOM I have HOCKEY... so I jump up run her there put my head down in the car tell she's done... in my workout clothes mind you... because my intentions were to workout... but I just couldn't do it... mind you I know by the time head across town... get to the gym get on the equipment... it will be time to turn around. Anyhow... I'm getting there... I had a solid week of workouts and clean eating. Now I just got to add in cardio and a strict meal plan... which Tony says is on it's way :)

Anyhow... that last post... I just want you to know that's not where I'm at right now... caring what guy's think. I'm just putting it out there because that's what stole this last year from me. And I guess I don't truly believe that people are that shallow. I know the comments made to me were from men that had there own issues... I threatened them in some way... I'm not sure how... I'm just Tina ! This last year was just really tough on me for sooooooooooooo many reasons. It truly was a growing time for me. I've learned so much about people and really about myself. I take a lot personally. I'll pay attention to everything people say and relate it to myself, I don't mean to... I just do. I look back and I realize... it wasn't me at all... and it wasn't that they were bad... they just were caught up so much with what was going on with them that they couldn't even see me... DUH! It's okay... I'm going to be okay! I've got a lot of love inside me to give all I've got... and I'll get it back maybe just maybe not where I expect it. That's life isn't it.

I now get it... everything... sometimes we have to go through things to come out the other side wiser... we wouldn't learn any other way. But I'm still Tina... I don't expect her to change... she'll grow... but she'll always be Tina.. and I'm okay with that !

Thank you for caring, it truly means a lot!!!!

The brutal truth!!!

2010-02-22T22:19:00.003-08:00

This is exactly how a guy see's it!!! Check out this blog post... this is exactly what I've been told by the guy's I've dated... and this is exactly why I've felt I've had to choose...

Thought I'd share with you so you would know where my head has been the last 6 months. Thing is... they are wrong to see it this way... it's not this way at all and if this is the way they see it... well that's just shallow.

What it feels like to date a figure competitor

Okay anyhow... Had an incredible day!!! I'm here to stay !!!!

Officially 13 weeks out :)

2010-02-22T14:30:00.002-08:00

AND ON FIRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!

Be back later... right now... just burning things up :)

No more thinking... no more analyzing... just plain ol doing !!!!!!! Going places :) Next stop the gym !!!

Energy

2010-02-17T16:26:00.002-08:00

Somebody please find me some energy!!!!! Just got back from a week visiting my boyfriend... and 3 weeks of recovering from bronchitis... and it's time to get back at it. I'm actually stirring inside to get started. I did get in a short jog with my boyfriends dog Noka... but dang it was tough on the lungs... and it sure wasn't warm in Memphis like I thought it would be. I still had a really nice time but right now I'm waiting to get Brianna from hockey then I'm going to hit Golds. I know I need a good workout... I needed the time off to recover but now I've got to push myself back at it slowly till I am firing again full speed ahead. I wish I could have taken Noka home with me... what a lover. I've never really considered myself a dog person, but this dog is so special. Where ever I was Noka was... if I layed down on the couch Noka the 70 lb I think I'm a lap dog would climb on my back and lay down across me, on top of me and plant his face straight across mine. I tried to read and that was okay as long as I was petting him... if I stopped he would pat his paws on my page as if to interrupt and remind me where my priorities should lay. I miss them both so much right now it was really hard to leave. I've known Dustin since I was 14 years old. He lived in the neighborhood... and I had such a crush on him back then but I never let him know it... I was not going to like the boy that knew all the girls liked him... funny now... he's just one of those people you never forget that stays in your heart forever. It still seems so crazy to have him in my life again... it's really special.

So anyhow... vacation is over... we got contests in less than 12 weeks... time to lean out, get those veins pop'in... Kim and I talked today when I got home for well most of the day. She's found a suit she wants and we talked shoes... she's really pumped up about the Appleton show... she's really going to do it... I'm so excited. Me... I've got my shoes... I've got my suit that Jodi Lane made me last year... love Jodi's suits... I just need the physique... I know how to get it done... I know what it takes... I also have other plans that were the secret I was telling you about last year... it has to do with a theme for a photoshoot... it even has to do with a magazine... it has to do with my childhood... but I have to stay focused or my dreams will never come true. Dustin I do believe is the only person that knows of my dream... I'll let you in on it when it gets closer. This is my year to set things in motion... I've had a trying start... I may meet many more challenges along the way... the only thing I can tell you is I am Tina, I have a huge heart, a fierce mind, an undying will... sometimes I would rather give it away, give it to you to do something with... if you know me you know this... but I can't give it to you... I've tried... the only thing I can do is try to inspire and motivate you to love what you have and go after all you desire. Be ready because the energy is on it's way :)

Its Breakfast

2010-02-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

The zucchini bread :) Yum Yum :)
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IMG00002.jpg

2010-02-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

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Good Morning :)

2010-02-08T06:35:00.005-08:00

No time for messing around this morning. Got home from work at 2 am and out the door at 7am to get Brianna off to school. And this is why I keep getting sick. It's funny because I normally do not complain. I'm pretty use to never getting sleep, working horrible hours and switching shifts... but damn getting sick does not make it very easy for me to keep pushing along. I couldn't have worked out if I wanted to... I even think today maybe I shouldn't... I haven't decided.

But hello... I'm making the Gina Allioti zucchini bread... you can get the recipe off her video... I don't want to cause any problems by sharing it on here... and the video is pretty good. I didn't have to buy the video, Stacey has it and we watched it together when we were getting ready for the Arnold. Mark told me he found my recipe in the drawer, I had left it behind when I moved out. And he said... damn where did that come from that was really good. Yes, I turned the ex on to this lifestyle... before he was the ex if you remember. And he's probably better at the eating than even me. So I was like give me my damn recipe back... I got to make that. I made 6 loaves, when they are done I load a picture :) Anyhow... you get a whole mini loaf for breakfast... YUM, and you can have this right up to contest day if you have oats in your plan.

Anyhow I work 12 hour shifts Tuesday and Wednesday and then I fly out for a week in Memphis TN. I'm not sure I will post from Memphis... I may just take a week off from the net. However I will be getting in some workouts... the weather is a little nicer there so I'm hoping some outside running... and I even checked out a gym that will be close by. The problem is I will be staying with my boyfriend... and well last time he really enjoyed cooking for me all of his favorite foods... Oh and did I enjoy them too :) However, I'm less than 15 weeks out so I can't be messing around especially because I am holding on to some added winter fat... and getting sick over and over and over and not working out consistently during that time.... UGH...

Really though... this is where I struggle and I know you do to... so lets talk about it. It's hard to live a figure girl diet or even to be on a diet... any kind of diet and be social. Trust me NOBODY gets why you can't have this or can't have that. The reason they don't understand is often one they are naturally as skinny as my boyfriend, or they are hung up on the same problem, trying to get off the fat and all of their methods aren't working yet they feel they have reasons to give you advice. My boyfriend just doesn't understand, hasn't had to worry about losing a pound his whole life. The other people, well they are well meaning they just don't realize how ridiculous it is for them to be giving you advice :) It's hard to get the weight to come off and really all it takes is one little mess up to blow your plan all out of wack... ruin your progress. This is where discipline is so important. This is where having your goals in your face and in your head is so important. You have to plan, plan, plan... then execute... execute... execute.

I can tell you mine are not there. I really don't want this figure competition enough right now really I know to be successful in making my diet and workouts priorities.... I know this... However in 15 weeks when all of my friends are stepping on stage... how my going to feel then ? I'm going to want it then. How about when it's swimsuit season and all the summer shorts are on the racks... how my going to feel then. SOoooooo gonna have to take today to really nail down my feelings and get my priorities straight in my head. If I want the show... I got to pack my protein powder... hit the grocery store in Memphis and cook up all my damn chicken and veggies... and show the boyfriend how methodical my diet really is. I am not him... I will not be happy if I eat like him because I know where that will get me. UGH. I guess I'm just sharing this with you because these are feelings I know many of you out there can relate to... whether you are a fitness girl or not.

Oh and my zucchini bread is buzzing.... and so is my phone... my boyfriend just sent me a picture txt.... UGH they got snow in Memphis... YUCK!!!

Oh and a bit more inspiration for you...">

BECAUSE I KNOW WHATS GONNA GET MY HEAD BACK ON STRAIGHT.... GETTING BACK IN THE GYM!!!!!!

BBL to tell you how it feels :)

BTW... my eating through my illness has been pretty damn close to 100% clean :) Really the eating is the easy part... even though yes this vacations gonna put my will to the test.

Wordpress Bloggers :)

2010-02-04T13:06:00.004-08:00

No I am not converting to wordpress. Hurts my head just to deal with learning how to use blogger :) Ha I figured out how to add the wordpress bloggers to my web feed tho... so help me find you so I can add you to my sidebar... leave me a comment with a link to your blog :) I wanna find all my favorite bloggers that left me in blog land for a "better" land in wordpress. Don't worry I forgive you.

I'm still sick... got to go home early from work because we were overstaffed... and OMG THANK GOD... because I don't know how I would have pushed though the day. What ever happened to quarantine anyhow... Nurses are such martars tho we make each other feel guilty if we gawd for bid can't do it all.... so to avoid guilt or to be looked at as weak we go to work on our death bed. Stupid, stupid, stupid... but its just the way it is. So anyhow... I got me some antibiotics, our ER doc was pretty positive I have bronchitis. No I haven't been able to work out now for a week... however since this is my life... I'll be back there just as soon as I can... I love the message in this video... Let me share some inspiring video with you...

Now tell me muscle is not sexy... even at 50 :) Love it :)

BTW... give me a chance to get better... really this sucks right now... cause I'm flying high with ideas to get me lean and mean for my next show... and I wanna take you along for the ride. One thing I am is full of a lot of life and energy... got plenty to go around... usually... and ummm usually I can make ya laugh too... without even trying ;) Putting the smack down on the crap in my life... time to start kick ass again :)

Protein Pancakes for breakfast!!!

2010-02-02T08:08:00.002-08:00

Mmmmmm breakfast Protein pancakes !!! Really I've never made these... I never wanted to give up my bowl of oats to bother with waiting for a dang pancake to cook and then you got to flip it and sometimes you get a perfect pancake but not if you are Tina you have no patience at all and you flip it too soon and it turns into a scrambled mess . Yeah I usually do my oats and egg whites in the same bowl with my stevia mixed in and a little VPX graham cracker protein, my flaxseed oil on top... Such morning goodness I lick the bowl clean. But this morning I went to the grocery store, I was out of oats, egg whites... Well actually we have ketsup in the fridge and vinegar, bottled water, and that's pretty much it... So I woke up late hopped out of bed threw on some clothes, brushed my teeth, slapped on some lipstick, tosseled my hair, and to the grocery store I went. Well anyhow I came home with so much food... One should not go to the grocery store hungry. Gawwww... So anyhow I sure do ramble and get off track :)
My pancakes were just 1/2 cup oats, 1 scoop of protein powder (VPX GRAHAM CRAKER IS THE BOMB), 1 egg white, 1 tsp baking powder, some water to make your prefered batter consistency blender and cook... First two looked gawd aweful :) but last three turned out perfect... And then I used just a little no sugar hungry jack syrup... They have it in that little heat in the micro bottle... Love that... Warmed it up till that lil sweetie said HOT :) So that was breakfast... Sooooo good...

Well I'm still sick if you were in a room with me you would be telling me to stay away from you this cough is nasty. But damn it I'm working out today... I have to I'm going stir crazy... Plus we got a show to get ready for !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Go make some muscles ;)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Connecting!!!!!!!!

2010-02-01T07:16:00.005-08:00

I'm jumping up and down with EXCITEMENT!!!!!!! Although I really should stop that... I am still so sick... coughing up a storm!!!!!

But really YEAH!!!!!!! I don't know I've just been connecting with so many of you out there, and it makes me so excited. I know this is my calling... I think it might be because I'm easy to talk to... that's my gift. I've just had so many people coming to me looking for motivation, looking for answers... pouring their souls out to me... AND THIS IS WHY I LIVE!!!!! So it makes me jump up and down!!!! It's that significance thing... HA... and it's been inside me all along :) Not out there... I give the world me and I get it back 10 fold... not really even where I expected to get it back from but it comes back.

So I just wanted to tell you I'm excited. I'm happy just being me... without the cough I might add!!!!

Make my day... connect with me... leave me a comment... or an email... and for those of you out there and you know who you are... keep it coming... it puts a smile on my face just to listen... then well I'm gonna make you move... go after it!!!! We're reaching for stars baby ;)

Okay have to go put in 12 hours in the ED... soon as I feel better I got some more motivation coming your way by way of a bit more reflecting before I move forward! You see I've come a long way... and I want to really move you with it :)

And did you know Dreambodies is on YouTube... I subscribed to the channel... and I discovered I have my own channel, YIKESl... and well I thought I had most of those videos blocked but then I got a comment from some kid that said my movies sucked the quality was horrible :) LMAO... I KNOW... that's why I don't vlog anymore :) I might try again... because I really want to take you in the gym with me... me making muscle it's pretty funny stuff :) Plus I hate being alone in the gym. Someday maybe in the middle of the night. But anyhow go check out what Sarabeth is cooking up!!!!!

Oh yeah and you should see my lil girl in the net yesterday and her whole team... talk about firing you up!!! She got a shut out against a really good team... and she hasn't been in net in years.... that's her talent... that kid was rocking and rolling to stop that puck. ADORABLE :)

Crazy :)

2010-01-31T05:29:00.002-08:00

I am crazy inspired!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry for all the blog posts but if you knew how fast my head has been firing off you would know I'm not even giving you half of what is in there :) I'm still very sick but I think my sick day the other day gave me some time to get my head on straight... I mean I have been building up over the last two months to get to this point, but I really needed that day, stuck in bed. I mean I couldn't leave my bed... with a fever of 104 and nothing was breaking it, I had absolutely no energy to even walk. But I tell you my head the whole time was rapid firing :) Right now I still have this horrible cough and sore throat... I'm not sure if I should work out today... but I probably will because I took 3 days off already and I'm going bonkers... oh yeah you can tell :)

Anyhow, I loaded some of my pictures up from my other shows... I am really able to look at them objectively and yes I knew it then but I can see it even more clearly now... my first show, damn I was lean, but I lacked muscle maturity, and confidence, my posing needed a lot of work. I will say contest two the flex wheeler, that was by far my best show body wise only 8 weeks after my first show my muscle was full... shhh... don't tell Tony but I cheated for 4 weeks and carb cycled the last 4 weeks :) I never told him... but when he sent me an asparagus diet, I tried it but I hate asparagus and I didn't want to tell him. If he knew that he'd be like you should have done what I told you... lol. But it didn't matter really because the things going on in my personal life at the time robbed me of giving it my all at that show, okay I robbed myself by letting those things get to me... but thats life right you live and you learn move on it get's better than that, and anyhow... between those two shows I really got my posing down, I even think that was my best stage walk, okay when I was tipsy at the Rockford show... that was a close second in stage walk :) Well my third show the rockford show... boy did I have a boggy tummy. Smile was sky high from ear to ear thanks to the muscle and the city gals. Really that was my best show EVER... I'm not sure anything will ever top that. Well the Arnold... my biggest show EVER and I down right looked my worst, my emotions were all over the place (insert I had A LOT going on in my life right then and there) and well that was my worst show mind, body, stage presence, make-up everything was bad about that show... things just didn't line up right... Life completely fell apart for me at that show, right then and there. That makes me sad... because that should have been big... I wish I could show you pictures from that show... But guess what I can... and I will because despite everything Stacey and I had each other for that show and man did we laugh, we even cried... and we had so many of you there with us... in many ways... I can't knock that show... it still has a special place in my heart. Last show... I'm glad I did... I wouldn't change it, but the stress my life was in.... my body would not lean out. I really only gave myself an 8 week prep between that show and the Arnold, I moved during that time and started a new job.... and well that show carried me through that lonely, scared, life changing time. Posing absolutely right on. Body needed to be a whole lot leaner, smile in many ways it was there, but that tanner really made me itchy. Attitude, I was struggling with that, I guess because I was not where I wanted to be... but one thing I can say... my muscle was definitely starting to mature, my ass was lifting, my shoulders, if I only could have got lean enough had really matured.

So I don't want to jump the gun too much and tell you what my goals are for this year. I'm thinking 2011 is really going to be my year. But you never know I could surprise you. Right now I have a lot of work to do to get my head in exactly the right space. I'm not getting it back to where it was... I'm going beyond. So I'm pretty much set on the Colorado show, not absolutely positively but damn close to set, the money thing is the only problem, and someone is going to have to stay with Brianna, because she'll be in school then. But this show I guess is usually a small show... however Lori has really been plugging it and every time another girl says she's going to do it, another one jumps in. It's going to be fun. Were even going to get matching team warm-up suits for back stage... I can't imagine missing it. So that's my goals. One goal at a time... I've got a few more stored in the back of my head... but we'll see where the body is... I've got time... lets make this fun. My other goal and really this is a life time goal... empower woman... because no matter how far we've come... we need each other if we are going to go as far as we could go. And I don't want to change woman... gawwwww... we are amazing just the way we are. But I think it's crazy that when we are empowered... that's looked at as negative... and don't say it's not... we do it to each other... and that's what gives not being empowered so much power. Does anyone get what I mean? Well anyways thats my life time goal. I guess I have start with me.

Until next time HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY :)

Trish Warren and Jenny Lynn Train Legs

2010-01-30T18:36:00.003-08:00

Here's some awesome motivation :) Where I'm taking the blog... get my head back in place OH YEAH!!!!! Really this is what I need back in my life... kick ass woman... this video brought back some of that fire I had when Kim and I were burning up the gym doing things I can't even believe we did. Well I can't have that back but I can create more kick ass memories... being the kick ass chick that I am. HUGE HUGE things are happening inside me... I can feel it :) Stay tuned!!!!

And can I just say... I can not even begin to understand where my head was.... WTF ??? As I sit here right now and think how did I lose all that time ??? Why ??? Gawd !!!! And thank you to everyone that kept hitting me over the head... sat there and listened... and never left my side... NOW I GET IT !!!! But I didn't then... I couldn't hear it. I'm coming back tho... I am... and I'm here to stay... Like me or not ;)

Sick Day!

2010-01-29T14:57:00.002-08:00

Well I stayed home sick today from work. In the last 20 years I've probably stayed home from work less than 5 times. I'm scared to call in so I usually go in sick... I know counterproductive in so many ways. So at 4 am this morning I called... I felt bad... but there was no way I was going in... I've been taking meds all day around the clock and have yet to break my fever. I feel just awful even with tons of Ibuprofen, airborne and Tylenol in me. So anyhow if I'm not better by tomorrow I'm going into urgent care.

Anyhow since it is a sick day I had some time in between sleeping to surf the web from bed. Wow all of you out there have such great blogs... I'm embarrassed that I even waste time with mine. This really has not been my year to be inspiring or even motivating. I guess tho it does help me to write... so I will just keep on writing if you don't mind. I did decide to delete a bunch of my side bar stuff... Most of my links to others blogs are so outdated. And really there is so much out there to read. I usually read from my blog roll feed, so if you don't think I am following you and you think I should... please leave me a comment. I did read a lot today... I left some comments... if you have word press I might not be reading you because many of you don't have the follower feature for me to link to. I am overwhelmed tho... I can't read as much as I would like to out there... I am a single mom now and that leaves me very little time to spend on the Internet.

I've just been thinking today. What do I want? What direction do I want to take the blog? What direction do I want to take my fitness lifestyle? I really need some goals and with goals I think I will be more focused.

There is the Colorado show that many of us girls that started down the competing road together through Body for Life and then Tony are doing... I really want to do that show because I really have always wanted to compete with these girls. I need focus... I need $$... I need to feel better...

Something tells me I can do this.... I want it... and let me just feel better and I'll be back to get started and this is going to be one heck of a ride to the stage... I'm going to take you with. Make this fun... because most of all I like to entertain you... maybe even motivate you and for some out there try and inspire. That's what I'm in this for not just me... but you to!!!!!

Boooo

2010-01-28T12:29:00.001-08:00

I woke up sick.... UGH !!! Every second today I am on the verge of saying I'm giving up... I quit !!!! I can't take this getting sick everytime I just start to take off again. Today I seriously want to jump off a cliff.

I will persevere... I will not give in or give up or let my weary body get the best of me. I will say tho I've been sick so much this year and ENOUGH is ENOUGH !!!!!!!!

Not to mention my quads and glutes are worse than yesterday... ADDING to the achy body, chills, chest tightness, cough, sore throat, runny nose... I need some rest medicine !!!

Sorry for that... But when you're down you're down. It will get better... I will find a great place again. I will not give up. EVEN tho sometimes I want to. There has to be a place to go in moments like this.... Pray for strength !!!

This is why I have compassion... EVEN tho sometimes you want to hit me over the head like I've wanted to hit you. We don't always know that place where someone is at because we haven't been there !!! Sometimes its not about excuses I KNOW... Its about freaking obsticles in our paths... Some we can't even see or understand. But wheew I won't jump off any cliffs because I know it gets better... It even gets worse... But then there's those spaces and places we've been and we can even be there right NOW... Because out there is not in here... And what's in here IS still Tina a lot weary!

Hope you all are grateful for today. I'm trying I'm trying :) sniff sniff cough cough blahhhhhhhhhh
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

HOLY GLUTEs

2010-01-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

And that's why we LOVE lunges... My glutes are on fire today... I'm pretty sure I've never hit them this hard in my whole life... OUCHY !!!

I'm super excited today... Brianna and I looked at a condo for the same price we are paying for our apartment and it is brand new right next door... Owned by the same company and they are giving current residents a HUGE discount on rent!!! Its absolutely perfect for us private garages, private entrances... We still get full use of the fitness center, pool on the roof, tanning beds etc... But it will feel more like a home!!! I really feel like my life is finally starting over... Coming together... I'm finally breaking loose from holding on to a lifetime of pain !!! I'm going to get a chance to be Tina... Find out who Tina is and what Tina wants... And I don't know but when I stepped into this condo I thought NOW THIS FEELS RIGHT :) I will miss some of the best sunsets around... I do have a beautiful view from my apartment... But its just too small... Never did feel right to me. Brianna's room in the new place will have french doors to her room... And let me tell you she has a princess room. Her bedroom set is wedding dress inspired and she has a matching chandelier... And this bedroom just seems perfect for her. She's really excited too !!!

Brianna is playing goalie for her all girls hockey team this weekend. She's not playing goalie this year because we haven't been able to afford her to... But she is getting to use her goalies equipment and she is going to show them her talent :) They have no idea what she's been keeping from them :) I'm super excited for her... Its going to be a fun weekend.

Ohhhhhh... And Desiree and I are going ice skating tomorrow... I don't know why we never thought about it before we use to ice skate in Marquette for extra cardio all the time... We moved here and we forgot all about it and I am at the rinks all the time. There's nothing better for the glutes than skating... OH MY... The glutes are not going to get a break this week I don't think !!!

Gosh life feels good right now !!!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You look like a teenage cheerleader :)

2010-01-26T00:54:00.000-08:00

So Brianna and I were getting ready to go run some errands tonight and I decided to break out last summers jeans. First of all My BKE's were sagging in the azz when I stopped cheating and got back on plan last summer... I remember picking up Brianna from her Dads and her saying "Mom are those your new jeans ??? They're too big on you :)." Well after my last show last year I had to buy these jeans because I was cheating so much I couldn't get into my others. But it is true I cleaned up my diet and was trying to get in all my meals at work and they got big. Well... I don't wear jeans these days... Seriously its workout clothes or scrubs or jammies and ponytails. I've actually been straightening my hair lately because then it looks better in a ponytail all sleek and twisted down my back. Anyhow I decided to breakout the BKE's instead of running errands in the workout clothes and Boy were they tight... I didn't have to lay down on the bed or anything to zip... BUT DAMN. I was quite surprised I didn't have any muffin top or anything... And I have boobs still so I guess I looked pretty damn HOT :). But still in my head I'm thinking I must be fat if these are this tight OMG !!! Well I'm looking in my HUGE mirror in the living room and Brianna says don't tell me you think you look fat... OMG mom you look like a teenage cheerleader :) Lol I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. But you aint catching me in a swimsuit that's for sure. Thank God its only January!!! But Brianna says to me... Mom you always think you are fat because your idea of normal is too skinny. You look better than most normal people and you look like a teenager... Aww she's right I guess but still damn No suit for me and pictures for T in two weeks... BOY I hope he knows he's got his work cut out for him!!!

Somehow I've got to figure out how not to have landslides when I finally get my body where I want it. I really don't have any cravings right now once so ever... Actually all this eating keeps me pretty full except at work sometimes my meals are spaced just a little too far apart... And then when I eat I feel its not enough.

Legs were today and I still have DOMs from last weeks legs... And I had lunges in the plan today... HAVE I MENTIONED I LOVE LUNGES (shhh really I swear really bad words through every rep and Tony is my least favorite person in the whole world till I finish my sets) I MEAN I LOVE LUNGES and OF COURSE TONY IS THE BEST Trainer EVER!!!! The last part is completely true :)

Positive affirmations your brain hears these things you tell it even if you don't completely believe it... Your brain can be tricked into believing!!!!

And we all must LOVE LUNGES!!!

I'm already feeling the HURT!!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Oh Saturday :)

2010-01-23T09:30:00.002-08:00

I'm chopping on gum right now because OMG I am craving. I really don't want unclean food... but for breakfast the other day I put a cup of frozen berries in the blender with a touch of stevia, about .25 cups of water, and a scoop of protein powder... I haven't been eating morning carbs, been doing omelets... but this morning I felt like berries... and so I did and I blended that up to make like a raspberry ice cream... OMG I finish it and that's all I can think about... waking up the next morning for some berries and protein. I'm such a carb addict... because I really don't crave when I keep the carbs low, protein and fats high... healthy fats...
I don't know but right now...gum is my savior... I popped it in my mouth to keep it busy :)

I'm doing the dreaded pictures for Tony in 2 weeks... He wanted weigh in's but I will not... I guess eventually I will have to stand on that dang thing but right now... I just can't... I become a crazy scale whore... and I will not be controlled by that thing. He knows better anyhow... but he's trying to make sure I'm accountable. UGH... I did bodyfat measurements tho and I'm looking at 15%. So I'm thinking 2 weeks if I keep it tight, try and get in some extra cardio each day... I can get to 13% before pictures.... UGH... I know what I look like at 10% and I'm still super soft looking unless I dehydrate so I don't know if I will be sharing... But it will be interesting to see what a very long off season has done to my body... how much muscle I have retained... did I manage to build anymore... or is that all fat making me look HUGE.

The part I hate right now... is I felt better before I got back on track... everything was tight... My boobs were full, now the stomach is sagging again (and it does all the way up to the end... because there is no fat to fill the skin) and well I swear I did not have love handles and now that things are softening up... I do... My arms did not look flabby... they were tight... but now they are soft... and boobs... they are shriveling up again...

But I know a lot of this softness is the body loosening up the fat... getting ready to let it go... I will get smaller before I tighten up and fill back out...

And can anyone guess I'm pmsing :)

It's crazy but no matter how small you get... how low you get the body fat... when it's that time... you feel like a house and the pilsbury dough boy all rolled up in one.

Okay so anyhow here is the figure show I am planning on doing... with the Marquette crowd... even Kim is going to do it!!!! Thing that is sad tho is she is my Kim and now that I'm not there she is becoming everyone elses Kim. They are advising her and working on posing with her and lifting with her. Makes me sad because I wanted to be there for her to get her to the stage. I think she's sad too. But she told me the other day... Tina I wouldn't even be doing this if it weren't for you... and I'm not doing it without you. That Kim always knows how to sucker me into something.

So I better get my act together... really no More Berries... unless I get the go ahead from Mr. T

It's Bi's and Tri's today... One of my favorite days :)

Female muscle continued....

2010-01-22T19:07:00.003-08:00

I guess I should continue with my thoughts on female bodybuilding and where that last post came from... sometimes my blog posts are so incomplete... they don't really tell the whole story... they are just blurbs from my mind at the time.

I guess this summer when I was going through what I can't even begin to explain what I was going through because I don't talk about what is very personal mostly to protect my kids. Anyhow I began dating and every guy I dated freaked out about the whole blog muscle thing once I shared it with them... I don't know what the deal is... I guess I didn't realize there ever was a deal... then I've been doing some reading and realizing there is much about the world of bodybuilding that mainstream just doesn't get ?!? I guess never once in my life did I ever think that way. I've always admired woman with muscle and shape. I guess I didn't at the time realize I was letting their opinions affect me that's why I am talking about it now. Not that their opinions are affecting me at all right now... I'm over it. But now I'm kind of just intrigued by it... I guess maybe trying to analyze it and understand it. And even more than all of that.... how do we get it to change ?!?! How do we get the stupid idea and yes here I go... how do we change woman and our ideals to begin with. I guess that's where it really all begins. As woman... we really do rule the world... I read the quote the other day that says some thing like give a woman a house she will make a home, I can't remember the rest of the quote but it's true... we really do control our own ideals and destiny's. I love my muscle... I love working out in the gym like the guy's I can't even begin to tell you what that feels like to me. It's so powerful. It's so powerful that you begin to want more and more... I think even sometimes you wouldn't even care if you looked like a guy in the end because the process is so addicting. I think about what bodybuilding did for my self esteem and how abandoning it... and not totally abandoning it... but I have... how abandoning it has really affected the self esteem I worked so hard to build. I ran across those videos I posted of me running along the beach just before the muscle and the city show... and I think wow I am not her right now... what happened to her... she was so strong and so sure of herself. What happened was a complete life change... some grieving... that I also wasn't ready for... and some dating at completely the wrong time.

I really am okay right now... I really am the tough girl in the gym. I'm okay on my own right now... which maybe at first... I just wasn't. I will admit I'm seeing someone... who's smile and spirit takes my breath away. And I'm holding on to this quote right now...

Expecting "End Results" such as wealth and abundance, health and harmony, friends and laughter- in broad brush strokes, is part of the secret formula, for manifesting the life of your dreams. Expecting your path to follow a certain route - such as writing a bestseller to accumulate wealth, having a particular someone fall in love with you, or insisting upon this idea, that diet or the other invention to be your deliverance - is just plain messing with the cursed hows and severely limits my options. (I hate when that happens) ~The Universe

I can really see this person in my life right now... but we live so far apart. So I'm leaving my destiny up to the Universe... I'm gonna just keep doing my thing... being Tina. And my thing... is to make the world see bodybuilding is the place to be. It really is... I'm sure of it. Makin Muscle there's nothing like it :)

Oh and I told Troy I would send people over to his blog I know Troy and Lori from before they became dreambodies clients and before they ever competed... you will love reading through his posts to the stage and where he is at now... go check it out... and make sure you leave him comments and follow him... I want to see him write more and you know we are all motivated to write when we get comments :) Oh god I need to get on here more I'm just thinking about all the things I haven't been talking about... Tomorrow... I'm gonna head to bed long day today.

Female Bodybuilding

2010-01-20T11:23:00.002-08:00

It's no surprise to you if you have been reading my blogs that I really have been struggling with the whole female bodybuilding/ female with muscle thing. It's crazy because before I became single I never even considered how the mainstream felt about bodybuilding as a sport and in particular what men thought about a muscular woman. I never even really thought about the physique of a female body builder as anything but sexy. That's just how I see it. Now I'm not talking the juiced female bodybuilders.... that physique is again amazing... but it's not for me... I guess first of all I don't do drugs... Barely tylenol... I know someday that may change when I need drugs for a chronic condition and yes I've take antibiotics... but I guess I'm saying I love the sport of bodybuilding for woman I know how it has changed me... I know the confidence it has given me.... I feel more feminine and sexy than I ever have in my life. And I get so frustrated when I hear men get kind of taken back by my bodybuilding. Even male bodybuilders that should understand. I guess maybe we are different. Our eating is considered extreme... our intensity extreme... it's really not a place for fitting in to mainstream.

But I guess I wonder why? Why the stereotypes? Because a womans femininity lies within her. A womans sexuality lies within her. I know men are visual... but when I look at a female physique like Monica Brant

Come on please what's not sexy about that !!! I think it is unfortunate that we embrace the status quo... we would rather embrace poor eating habits than lean hard bodies. I'm frustrated with this... and I guess I am frustrated with myself because I let the thoughts of others detour me from what makes me feel good and alive. Because for some reason I was not normal... and I guess I was alone and I wasn't comfortable standing alone... life hit me pretty hard... and I just needed to be accepted.

I want it all. I want to be me and be accepted for me. Don't tell me I'm not beautiful... don't tell me I'm not sexy... I am not perfect... but I care and I give... and I am woman... strong, intelligent, soft, fun, all those things that a woman is and more. I can only give this world me... anything less leaves me unhappy.

Leg Day :)

2010-01-19T20:47:00.002-08:00

Well I decided to wait till the end of the day to do the whole leg day... that way I would be sleeping when I am suppose to be sleeping but I still took a nap... Jeez what is this sleeping in the middle of the day on my days off thing :) Anyhow... It did make for a good leg day though. Back up to 180 on my squats... Can't remember how much weight I had on the hack squat but it was lots more than last week. I think getting in my protein is helping. Clock work feedings... so important :)

My diet isn't absolutely perfect I don't think. I'm not really going by a meal plan.... somebody please tell on me and maybe Tony will send me a meal plan :) I'm mostly doing really low carb because that gives me more energy. But I must admit... there is too much salt in my diet... and I would be feeling so much lighter if there wasn't because I know I am very sensitive to salt. But one step at a time... Getting in the workouts.... getting in the cardio... diet is clean with exception of salt. Feeling seriously bad ass in the gym and not having all of that anxiety I was carrying in there. I'm feeling good. I'm comfortable in my skin for the most part... I'm never going to be comfortable with the tummy skin... never ever... but I work with it. I guess my body is so imperfect, it's never going to be perfect... HOWEVER... I will say... working out like I do... and eating the way I am right now... Feels perfect.

Things I have been eating this week... Smashing my chicken till it's flat and baking in the oven on 400 degrees with pizza toppings. I've done pesto pizza, turkey pepperoni pizza, and my favorite thai pizza. YUMMY!!!!

I've also been having omeletes for breakfast... gonna try a crustless quiche... anyone have any good recipes ??? And OMG.... okay way too much sodium but I was in a pinch... I was at the gas station looking for something protein... anything.... and I couldn't find anything but beef jerky... and then there it was... Jacks links chicken buffalo tender jerky. A few carbs in there... way way way too much sodium... but damn took everything in me to stick to a serving and a half :) Yummo... if you can afford the sodium or are in a pinch... i'd say go for it :)

Can't think of anything else... leg day does this to me makes me tired and thoughtless... But I wanted to blog so you know I am here. Maybe I'll talk some competition tomorrow... Got the Butter Rum coffee in the pot... timer is on... gonna wake up to a strong brew... take the girl to school and hit the weights and cardio :) Another day off tomorrow gonna make it HURT :)

Its happening !!!

2010-01-17T07:21:00.001-08:00

OMG I have been soooooo tired!!!! I'm killing the diet... Nailing the workouts... I am on fire again... It feels sooooooo good... And tired OMG!!! I'm having the most bizzare dreams like after my leg day on Friday morning I walked through the door of my apartment right on past the kitchen... Did not stop for post workout recovery refuel... Landed on the couch and immediately fell into a deep sleep... I was dreaming that Brianna and I were sledding in the downtown here in Madison in a wooded setting... It was gorgeous... We were having so much fun and when I followed her into the trails in the trees I lost her. I couldn't find her anywhere. Then I find myself a week later I don't know where the days went... And I realize I forgot to keep looking for her and now I've lost her forever. I go in and out of all of these scenes with all kinds of crazy people entering my dream trying to help me find her... And I am in a panic for god knows how long... And suddenly I tell myself wake up stupid you don't have to go through this ITS A DAMN DREAM !!! And I wake up two hours later, time to get Brianna from school :)

Took Brianna on her girls hockey trip this weekend... Packed up my food, hit the hotel cardio equipmement in the morning... Dropped them off at their game and went to the nearby YMCA which is OMG gorgeous... I've never in my life seen such a big beautiful gym EVER... So I went in took a tour and signed up for the day. I did Bi\Tri's . I have to say I just love how all the guys look at me when I'm on there side acting like them... But I'm more girl than any girl they'll ever know... I can tell they don't know what to think :). That's awesome!!!

Then I went and watched the girls games. They didn't win but they could have... Drives me absolutely nuts to see them out on the ice holding back. Why are they holding back... They are so much better than what they give. I want to scream JUST KEEP SLAPPING THAT PUCK AT THE NET !!! The only shots that don't go in are the shots not taken !! And I want to scream YOU WANT THAT PUCK... TAKE IT what are you waiting for. Brianna tells me I should be a coach... And please I do not really understand sports at all... I don't have any skill... But I can identify when someone is not giving their potential and it drives me absolutely crazy !!!!

See I told you I'm fired up... I told you :). I think I've been going through the stages of grieving and I'm really at the pissed off stage. Which to tell you the truth its freaking about time I get pissed off :).

So that's it that's where I'm at these days. Just think about it... Are you taking all the shots you want to make... I'm NOT... But I'm getting there... Because enough is enough. Life is to short to not go after everything you want. And don't you worry what I want includes kicking your ass too !!!

GO OUT AND SLAP THAT PUCK :)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Girlfriends !!!!

2010-01-12T02:29:00.003-08:00

I do not know what I would do without my girlfriends. I talk to Kim almost everyday and not a day goes by that she doesn't beg me to move back... and it's oh so tempting... I miss our daily lifts together... we were fierce in the gym. I still think of some of the things we did and I think how in the heck did we do that. I miss her. Sometimes in life though you just know you can't go back. There are reasons you move forward and on. It's scary sometimes because you don't always know if you are making the right decisions, but something in your gut tells you they are right.

I met one of my best girlfriends from when I lived in Madison before for the first time since moving back yesteday. She now has twins so she's got her hands full... it's been difficult to find a time to meet up. But I'm so glad we did. She said, I've been praying a lot lately for answers and strength, and Tina I just can't help but think meeting with you was God's way of answering my prayers. OMG... we just have always clicked. I think they were seriously getting annoyed with us at Fridays because we met for lunch and we were still there at dinner. We were talking about relationships and how everyday we just wake up, it's a new day, it's like nothing happened, we try our best to make things right for our family... but yet things don't change and she says "I think that just speaks to the enormous spirit of woman " Wow... I just stopped and thought about that. It's so true. We really are amazing if you think about it. We talked and talked and talked. It was such a good time. We both agree there has to be something more in this life... we want more... we want what we give... and I seriously want that for myself and for all of my girlfriends. Sure we are blessed and we don't take that for granted... and yet we deserve more don't we ?!?! Because just think about what we give !!!!

Then I got home and Desiree and I were chatting on face book. I've been trying to get her to join Golds so we can workout together sometimes. Well I think I had her convinced... until I was like... text me or call me when you're ready to go, it was already 8pm... but I said I think I'm going to lay down... I don't feel right. OMG I felt suddenly horrible, it was getting worse... I became violently ill in a matter of minutes. I won't give you any details... but I missed my workout... grrrrr. So I am awake now it's like 5 am and I thought about working out... but I have full body aches still and although I'm seriously hungry... something tells me I don't dare. I hope this feeling passes as the day goes on... today is my day off and I hate to not take advantage of my days off to hit the gym hard. The diet has been fierce. I even did really good at Fridays... but I have to say the thought did cross my mind... if I had known it was all going to come up I would have had a cheeseburger :) I know I'm so bad. I'm really much more happy on my diet and workout plan... plain and simple. I've really come to understand how my body works and when my mind plays tricks on me...

I was also chatting with Liimu last night on facebook. And she was talking about cravings and how hard it is to ignore those cravings when they feel like your body is missing something. I can play this head game to. I'm no expert... I do believe our bodies drum up cravings out of need... but there are ways to fulfill those cravings with things that won't throw your goals out of wack. When I'm figure prepping I have intense cravings for fats. I crave all the nut butters, I could drink flaxseed oil from the spoon, I love lethicin granules... I could go on... but you just can't give into those cravings because fats are calorically dense. So I make sure I'm taking my multi vitamin, I snack on bags of romaine lettuce like it's chips right out of the bag, make sure I'm not missing meals or going to long in between protein feedings, have an extra protein shake with glutamine... it might mean I need more protein for repair... I could go on and on... but if your reaching for ice cream... it's a head game... and ice cream is not going to serve your goals. This has been my journey... and every time I try to walk away... I'm just not happy. I find great joy in connecting with others, connecting with woman is really important to me... because I believe in the strength and spirit of a woman. I have met some truly amazing woman on this journey and throughout my life... you know who you are. And I come from great, strong, loving, giving woman that made me who I am today. And I'm proud of who I am. And of who you are too ;)

Cookies !!!!

2010-01-09T23:09:00.002-08:00

Since I can't sleep right now and I'm all cozy in bed with my laptop... I thought I would talk about today. So it's been about 3 weeks since I've let anything pass my lips that is not on my diet... and well today I get to work and one of the Doc's had a big box of Subway cookies for everyone. Well I am the cookie monster... I mean I love cookies... not that I let myself eat them. But I've been really hungry... but I didn't do it I didn't have any. Then the PM doc comes on with a HUGE container filled with his wifes secret recipe chocolate chip cookies. And I'm like WTF.... OMG they looked sooooooo good. But I didn't do it. Then one of the nurses comes on with a big box of her secret recipe chocolate chip cookies. I was like these people are killing me!!!! I didn't realize that the night previous they were all having a debate over who had the best chocolate chip cookies Soooooo it was a bake off. Well I still didn't have any... 8 hours watching everyone devouring cookies...OMG !!!!

Here's the thing... it's been 3 weeks solid no cheats... my clothes are fitting better... my muscles are making an appearance... because well I ate a little ice cream this summer... okay it was a lot of ice cream... But those cookies... that ice cream... I've decided are not worth it... because it's never enough with me. I couldn't just eat one cookie... I touch those cookies and I would be eating them every time I passed them... or if I didn't eat any if I used the willpower I would think about eating them every time I passed them. But it's been 3 weeks I feel sooo good. No cookie... not even the best cookie EVER... will take that away from me.

The workouts have been good. I'm so sore. OMG. I've even get this... felt like doing cardio... now that is just down right not like me at all.

What have I been eating. Lot's of protein shakes... my new favorite is to take Optimum Nutrition Carmel Toffee Fudge, one tsp of natural peanut butter, and one dropper of chocolate raspberry stevia, ice and water... blend it up.... CARMEL TOFFEE FUDGE PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE RASPBERRY... does it get any better than that ??? Also I've been having egg beater omelets in the morning with diced tri peppers and onions. I made chicken and pork tenderloin in the crock, made some chicken salads... took the left over cold pork tenderloin shredded 4 ounces added a tsp of Peanut butter some red peppers diced and green onion... OMG thai food again. I seriously have to watch the PB, I love it on everything. No matter where I make my Almond Butter here... it's just not as good as in the UP at the health food store... something about their grinder makes it so much better... so I don't bother with it living here.

Anyhow totally a rambling post... I'm tired... workouts have been grueling, eating has been tight... not leaving me with much left to think. And let me just say I've got the best job in the world... I really love my job. And let me just say... It's too damn cold out... negative 11 degrees on my way home.... but it's not snowing... too damn cold to snow.

Rambling... I think I'm tired... gonna sleep now I think :)

Eat clean, train hard, dream big ;)

Innocence

2010-01-06T22:36:00.002-08:00

My mom gave my son her 8MB zune over christmas because she hadn't been using it. He was here for Christmas when he got it and I said I'll trade you my 30MB video zune for yours. Now that might not seem like a great trade, but I figured this one is lighter, I never use the video feature, he will. So we trade. Well I was at the gym and I still don't have an arm strap for this little thing so I dropped it a couple times... grrrrrrrr. And the shuffle is on for the music and I didn't take the time to figure out how to shut that off... but anyhow... This song Innocence started playing while I was doing bent over dumbbell rows and it just felt so perfect. The gym is feeling really good right now. I'm a little frustrated because I am not as strong physically as I once was... but I feel that fight coming back. I don't know I think that pain was just so strong it wasn't letting me fight the weight and I spent so much time feeling frustrated and defeated the last 6 months.

This is what Tony is talking about when he says the mind is so powerful. Because in one instance my mind just switched, and I've been moving in the right direction. Suddenly the pain is powerless, because I stopped giving it power. Mind blowing I tell you.

As for my eating 100%, I was struggling with this too. The way I ate for 2 years, clean eating bodybuilding style... was not feeling right... I would get nauseated at the thought of lean meat and fish... vegetables all of the things I've loved all my life. I just kept thinking in my head I need a break from those things. Totally a head game I think because suddenly I'm back on plan 100% for 3 weeks now and it's like I never skipped a beat. It all tastes good, and it feels good.

It's such a mind trip... LIFE...

But this Innocence... Is brilliant !!!!

Thank you for all of your comments on my last post and over the years. You don't know what it means to have you with me on this journey over the years. I was touched by everyone of them. I received some e-mail as well from some new fans... I love it... YOU ARE WHY I DO ALL THIS. And it helps to know as woman, we are not alone in our joy and our struggles.

Transformation

2010-01-02T12:19:00.003-08:00

Today was not the day I was going to sit here with my head in the clouds... but here I find myself! But at least..... MY HEAD IS SITTING ON A GOOD CLOUD :)

Thing is I didn't think that transformation up there was possible. I didn't even ask for that much. But I had this drive... I guess you could say the drive to be an inspiration. To motivate others. I only stopped because I stopped believing in me. And if I don't believe in me how the hell am I going to believe in you.

But I'm not going back... I'm moving forward. Tina reaches for stars... I always have. I think you know what makes me happy... it's connecting with you!

So if you are here right now....

Right down there... hit the comments and say something :)

It's a New Year... its a New Day :)

I was thinking again...

2010-01-01T21:05:00.003-08:00

That's always a scary thing. Tony told me I need to stop that thinking and just do. But anyhow I was at the gym... and I was thinking about how I was feeling when I was there... and I was thinking... I feel so numb when I'm there... and I was thinking before that it was the gym that was making me uncomfortable. But it wasn't the gym at all... now I'm realizing... the gym felt funny because I was feeling numb and bringing it to the gym, and that didn't feel right at all. Do you get it????

So anyhow I stayed there and thought... so I gotta just relax... do what Tony said... fight that numb... and eventually I'll feel myself in the gym again. Wheewwwwwww That's all it was... it wasn't that I didn't want this anymore. It wasn't that the gym isn't me anymore... it's just the numb I feel from all the pain in the past.

Oh my gawd... That makes me feel so relieved.

Happy New Year!!!!!!

Make 2010 your brightest yet !!!!!

You gotta check out this video as well.... it's never too late to change your life... and live on forever as an inspiration :)

Let there be light :)

2009-12-30T15:05:00.004-08:00

Well I got some tough love from Tony yesterday... he listened to me go on and on... God bless him... but when it came right down to it he really didn't have to listen at all. When it came right down to it... what he told me in just minutes completely smacked me in the face and I feel like I get it finally. The pain I have been holding on to... which I didn't even realize I was holding on to so tight... has to be let go of... and how do you let go when that pain is soooooooo HUGE. When's it's your life.... but it's NOT... you are so much greater than that pain... there is so much inside you that is sooooooooo much bigger than that pain.

You do it by seeking out... grabbing on to.... and creating.... LIGHT. It's there Tony told me... I am here... I am free... I don't have to hold on to it.... be imprisioned by it... I can let it go because there is more for me out there... just waiting for me...

Like Tony says in his MP3... our lives are our movies... you don't want to walk out asking for your money back... you want to walk out saying... NOW THAT WAS A GREAT MOVIE :)

I would like to say I'm back because it's clicking I can feel it... but I know to truly be back... I gotta do some work... and that's what I've been doing.

Stick around... if you were here when I did this last time...

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Come on do it with me... your movie can be better than that... you are worth it.

BTW... I'm thinking about the 2010 competition schedule... would love to do a big show with some of my peeps. Anyone in... like really in no turning back... giving this 100%... maybe you've never competed before... you can come too!!!! Think about it... I'll be here.

Wow Mel....

2009-12-20T07:07:00.006-08:00

You just made me think Mel... I read what you wrote in your comment and I thought.... wow did I tell her all that??? Then I went back and read my post and realized I didn't know that was what I was saying but I thought and thought and thought about it and I realized I was so moved by what you had to say because I think that might actually be it for me. I was able to be extreme because I was protecting myself from what was going on around me. I couldn't feel all that... so I just disconnected more and more... I think actually after my first show when I cried and cried I knew it wasn't about the competition... I knew it was because something wasn't right in my life and hadn't been for a long time. I remember feeling numb. That's when the disconnect started to happen... that's when I went into self protecting mode and I began sinking deeper and deeper into the extreme. And I guess thats why I feel such a struggle now. I want extreme results at times... but I don't really want for my life what it takes to be extreme. Although I keep teetering with the idea everytime I start to feel like maybe what I want "ALL" just isn't possible. I want to be able to give and never get hurt... I want to be able to give and never get let down. And I guess I don't feel strong enough to do either all of the time. Although I just keep giving... and I hurt sometimes. Someday I would love to learn the balancing act where I can learn to give to myself and still have enough left to give to others. Because sometimes I think I need that self-protection of self love.

I also want to talk a little about how I feel about extreme results. During this process I had little time to look at magazines, look at pictures of other woman, etc... I never thought about dating... I didn't ever think about my body as something to attract men. I posted all my pictures on facebook and on here for woman. I wanted woman to see that our bodies even with stretch marks and loose skin and no boobs can still be beautiful... that's why I post all the pictures untouched. I have nothing to hide. I am what I am... I have two beautiful children and there worth the battle my body went through. And I guess discussing the vanity of it all is important to me because I know what it's like to look in the mirror and be 19 and have a body that you are scared to look at ( for 15 years I never looked at it naked ever... shhh :) ... and then you are faced with all of the magazines. Why do we love seeing the pictures of the perfect stars in bikini's on the beach... because many times those stars aren't at there best when they are at the beach... and it makes us feel okay.

I don't think for me obtaining this body ever had anything to do with the extreme results... it had more to do with learning to accept and love my body. And I'm still in the accepting phase. But I've come a long way BABY :)

Disclaimer... I should probably mention... I had great results before I ever became extreme :) Because well there's extreme.... and then there's EXTREME :)

Extreme

2009-12-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I think about how extreme I once was, how hard I trained... How I pushed myself... I can remember the days of hard intervals, heavy lifting... Perfect dieting... And you know what that's when it all clicks... That's when I am on fire... That's where I'm at when I can't get enough.
There is a huge part of me that wants to be there again... Burning it up... Mind racing a million miles a minute... Passionate... Intense...

Then there is that part of me that kind of misses the old Tina... Crazy as it sounds I get a lot of joy putting others first being a Mom and a Wife and a Friend and a Nurse... And I guess where I've been has been somewhere inbetween both here and there... And its a struggle... Cause I don't know how to balance it all. I know you have to put yourself first to have anything left to give anyone else... I don't know I don't know I don't know... I've always wanted it all... And I believe we can have it all... I guess its all a matter of checks and balances and you can't even begin to keep order if toyu don't have clear vision... Get out the pen and paper... Start writing what you want from your life... Keep checking and balancing are your actions in-line with your vision. Right now because I've seen Q I want to get to Z but I forget I fell of Q I'm starting way back at D... Now I know more than when I was at D the last time... So Q should not be so tough...

Complete rambling. But I am so very grateful for all I've been blessed with in my life... I truly have the sweetest kids ever... They remind me everyday... I have a great family and friends... I love being a nurse and I LOVE being in the gym wrestling with the weights!!!! Its a good life !!!!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Cauliflower Stir-fry

2009-12-17T15:28:00.004-08:00

The jury is still out on this one... I'm not one for food prep and grating that cauliflower was a PIA :) And I'm thinking it's missing something??? Okay I didn't use any oil... I'm trying to get more creative with my contest diet without stepping too far out of the boundries. Some oil was probably okay... now peanut butter that would have taken it to new heights... But that's my problem... the big PB... the number one reason I probably could not get lean enough shows 3 and 4 show 5 well that I will attest was one hundred percent adaptability... my body was seriously fighting me. But shows one and two... no peanut butter... I even remember everyone messing with PB2 which I still had in back of the cupboard from 5 or so years ago when that hit the news. You see I have been on every diet out there. Tried all the tricks... nothing until Tony worked for me and you want to know why... stepping outside the boundries. Every BLT... thats Bite, Lick, and Taste has to be accounted for when you are trying to attain weight loss... and if you are trying to attain a lean body fit enough for the stage... it's even more important to stay within the boundries. You are only short changing yourself... if your messing with things that will mess with your results. Okay I need to ask about the soy sauce... really I could leave it out I don't use enough to know it's there.

My favorite way to prep my food during my contest prep is plain and simple. Throw all the chicken in the crock... I use chicken tenderloins, their the leanest and 2 to 3 are a serving. Throw extra lean pork tenderloins in the crock... I use to buy which I can't find here... big bags of broccoli already cut and washed and ready to throw in the microwave... those were the best because they were fresh and decent size chunks and in one pop I could have enough broccoli for a week cooked up.

I guess since moving here I haven't developed all those habits that make this whole lifestyle routine. So that's what I'm up to this month... getting things set because come the first of the year.... I know Tony says don't wait till the first... but no I'm doing everything now... just come the first I'm going to be set... no more F ups... because I got the stage to get ready for... and no more standing on that stage around 12-15 % bodyfat... because that's where I'm guessing I was the last 3 shows... before that I was around 9. Now I don't even want to know... my boobs feel huge but I've still got my shape, my clothes still fit... but well I know I could look better. So anyhow... time to hit the gym... I would love some of your thoughts :)

Just thinking out loud... but I really could use a new look for the blog... just takes me so damn long to try and figure out how I did all that but I realize my sidebar is way outdated.

Green pans and a whole lot more :)

2009-12-16T14:28:00.002-08:00

OMG I am the best cook ever :) So I bought all of the ingredients for the recipe below... But I got home and I still have to get to the gym... and it's time to eat again and so I look at some of the other things I bought and I decide to throw a bunch of them in a pan and wala....

We've got thai noodles....

So you know those shirataki noodles well they had them at super target next to the tofu... I remember trying them... well actually buying cases of them when they first hit the news back oh 5-7 years ago... well I never could choke them down back then.... but first of all you have to rinse the heck out of them... then well you have to cook them with the right spices... and well I decided to buy some again because well I didn't have to send for cases of them and I know Pauline Nordin eats a ton of them. So well I threw some in the cart. Got home and rinsed the heck out of them... threw them in my new green pan... because well if I'm gonna cook I'm gonna need some pans... and I'm totally sold on these pans. Anyhow... I grabbed the jarred garlic threw some spoonfuls of that in the pan, a teaspoon of natural peanut butter, some shrimp that I quick thawed under cold running water and pulled the tails off of.... threw the shrimp in, sprinkled some red pepper and added some diced green onions, fried it up in the pan topped with a few drizzles of soy sauce and OMG I found a new favorite meal. Really you have to try it.

Okay have to get to the gym and make some muscle... I told you I'm back... I'm feeling better. I'm taking my multivitamins... it's all good I will not get sick again.... the worst IS behind me... movin on!!!

Boo!

2009-12-16T10:41:00.003-08:00

Well I hope I scared you with that :) Well hell if that didn't scare you... I'll tell you what scared me... the last year of my life... like where has my head been and snap out of it already :)

So anyhow.. I'm back... wanna know how I'm doing it... one step at a time.

First step... going through the motions with no expectations. Where did my passion for fitness get started... where did it lead to obsession... that's where I'm headed again... because that's what I love. I have to set up my computer like my old one use to be.... all my favorite websites... I need to be living this lifestyle not only in the gym but when I leave the gym. I've been trying to fit in in the world that surrounds me and I'm just miserable. I guess that's when I realized I need to rediscover what I left behind, what made me feel whole... and let that world out there find me. Like when Kim and Arv found me. Like when Stacey, and Tony, and April, and Angela, and I could go on and on but when they found me. I mean I guess you could say I found them... but I didn't force them to get me... they just did... I didn't change to make them get me... they just did. I'm not very patient to feeling like I fit in and right now, I'm kind of on my own, alone... that doesn't settle well with me. I guess when I was with Mark it was easier... he would never leave me alone... lol :) I'm pretty use to being the center of attention, not that I ever really even liked it... but it's what I'm use to.

I didn't start out this post with thoughts of writing all of that... what I wanted to post is this recipe that I found on T-nation today when I was out searching for all those sites that would keep me so busy I really didn't have time for anything or anyone else :) And for now... that's what need in my life again. My passion back. The rest... well it's gonna have to find me.

Chinese Fried "Rice"

Ingredients:
1/2 head raw cauliflower, (grated to make 3 1/2 cups)
3 green onions
1 clove garlic, minced or 1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon ginger
3 Tablespoons Soy Sauce
3 eggs, beaten
Olive Oil
Cooked Chicken, Beef, Pork, Shrimp, Ham, Turkey, etc.
? Any mixture, your choice.

In a wok or large flat skillet, heat enough oil to cover the bottom. Fry minced garlic (or garlic powder) with finely diced white part of onions for approximately 1 minute. Add grated cauliflower and fry for 4-5 minutes, stirring constantly. Add soy, ginger, diced green onion tops, and pre-cooked cubed meat or baby shrimp. Stir to mix well and brown a bit. Push mixture to one side of pan. Add more oil if necessary and scramble eggs in empty side of pan until done but still moist. Stir eggs into "rice" mix and remove from heat.

Serves 3-4. 5-7 net grams of carbohydrate per serving. Stores and re-heats beautifully.

NOTE: For an additional 6 grams for the entire recipe, try adding 1/2 cup frozen green peas (about 2 minutes after adding cauliflower.) It adds great flavor and richness to the dish!

And... I'm thinking if it re-heats beautifully I might just make some extra... oh and use low sodium soy sauce... and Tony would freak cause he's not much on adding sodium... doesn't make us look or feel the best at all times and there's probably even some science behind his sodium restrictions... I don't know... I don't ask when I don't want to know the answers :) I love my sodium :) I'm thinking though 3 TBSP is a lot cause even though I love it.... it don't love me so I may have to adjust to taste with consideration taken on swollen eyes although I also do get swollen boobs... okay 3 TBSP it is :)

Anyone up for some chinese and tree decorating... come find me :) Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........................

Link to my Dreambodies Blog Post

2009-12-15T12:54:00.001-08:00

My Dreambodies Blog Post

3 Doors Down: AOL Sessions- It's The Only One You've Got

2009-12-06T09:37:00.002-08:00

Not in love with this version of this song, the quality sucks... but totally in love with the words of this song... It's pretty much where I'm at...

How about some inspiration for the men :)

2009-12-04T15:57:00.003-08:00

Well you don't need me to tell you yet again that Tony is the best... but today I finally got my internet fixed... it's been down... oh yeah and I'm finally feeling better although I'm afraid to say that because everytime I do... I get sick again.... but anyhow... I've known Lori and Troy from before they started up with Tony... they are a great couple... great friends... and I just love this transformation... Troy's Dreambodies transformation . I've known people that have tried it all and when they work with Tony it clicks.... they transform... inside and out... It's pretty amazing to see it happen from the beginning. So inspiring. Check the link out for your own dose... and maybe even as Tony would say... Go get yours :) I know that's where I'm going :) Well not to look like Troy.. lol.

Train drops of jupiter

2009-11-26T18:56:00.001-08:00

I heard this song on the radio the other day... and it made me cry drops the size of jupiter... made me think about reaching for stars. I'm going to let the song speak for me.... enjoy :)

Hello !!!

2009-11-18T23:37:00.001-08:00

Okay quick blog post for you from my death bed before I run out the door to work 3am to 3pm....

Where have I been... SICK... And guess what??? I finally have enough energy to say I'm frinckin sick of being sick. But I'm still pretty sick... Yet I have to go to work :(

So were back to square one almost a week gone without working out... I haven't had an appetitie to eat right... Nor the energy to worry about it.

I'll let you know when I'm ready to dust off and get back at it... Certainly won't be today after working 12 hours... Gawwwww

I want to be back in the gym... On fire... Prepping for next year, I'm really sick and tired of this.

And for all my friends who competed last week... I'm sorry I wasn't a better fan... I slept right through it with a fever and sore throat and a few other things we will not mention. Angela and April you looked marvelous... Still haven't seen pics of Cori and Francina.

Okay that's all I got... My cough is driving me nuts I can't even get though this without hacking all over the place.... Pleezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Kick some azz for me will ya :)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Female muscle and the Mind and the Training

2009-11-08T10:04:00.002-08:00

Gawww... spending some time on the internet this morning... okay not much time because I have to get to the gym, I way slept in this morning... which btw... I am loving sleep way too much lately and it's cutting into my life. But I must say... I have the most comfortable bed on the planet... I'm lying in it right now as I type and oh I do not want to get up... this is pure heaven :)

However... I have been so on track... things have been feeling really good, but here and there I hear the voices. One minute I want to train like a fierce machine... I want the body and no ones opinion is going to stop me. The next minute I'm scared about losing my boobs again... scared that YES just like Pauline I won't be able to go dress shopping. Trust me when I was at my leanest last year I looked like a boy trying on dresses... it's the lats... I have HUGE lats... granted the dress size I was trying on were 2's and that was nothing.... I have so much more muscle now.

And this brings me to thoughts I was having with a guy friend... he said "You woman can't ever make up your mind :)"

So I'm going to shut up now and go train like I love... maybe even send Tony another e-mail that will make him shake his head... but hey a girls got to get down to what she wants... and I guess I don't know yet... and I guess that's why I have been struggling... vision has to be clear.... HAS TO BE.

Mushrooms, mmmmm

2009-11-06T13:11:00.002-08:00

Why didn't I think of this before.... I am a mushroom addict. So I said I was back on track just like before not missing a beat... and I am... nothing can shake me. Back in the gym just like before... Oh I'm not as strong as I use to be, but it's coming back. My diet is 100% on and it feels good and easy and I have to say it's all mental this game of life. No matter what I did I couldn't shake it, I couldn't make things click and work. All I can say is for those of you out there on that carousel where you want to make things happen and you as well can't make things click... you have to start somewhere. You have to go through the motions even if they aren't perfect. You have to face some of the crap in your life that is weighing you down. And let me tell you when you start moving closer and closer in the right direction rather than not moving at all... things will begin to happen. And I knew this because I've said this before... but sometimes knowing and doing are HUGE. You also have to have a clear picture of your goals. That also is HUGE... You also have to have those people in your life that can see YOU better than you can see you when you are running from who you truly are.

Anyhow... back to mushrooms. I don't know what started it but I was at the grocery store and saw the mushrooms so I bought several different varieties, brought them home and fried them up without any oil... just mushrooms and those jars of garlic... put a spoonful of that in the pan and wala.... YUM YUM... it's like having steak and mushrooms minus the steak.... I'm so going to over do this till I never want mushrooms again... but right now I crave nothing more. I also went to ALDI never been to one before but I'm trying to be more thrifty... I may never go again because of the checkout nazi, I never saw someone throw your crap in a cart so fast and get so pushy to move you along... Hello I can not be rushed. However they did have these butterfly fish in the shell that were marinated in garlic and some other things... I read the ingredients and there was nothing bad in there and OMG I don't remember if they were very thrifty but ohhhhh were they good. And I also got some thai orange talapia... OMG would have been so good but not with talapia I do not know how you people eat that fish... no matter where I've had it I can't stand it so there you have it a food I met that I do not love... do not like YUCK!

So anyhow things are good. I'm excited about competing again next year.... I don't think anything national but maybe a big show. I'm going to save nationals for the year after. Next year is about bringing my mind and body together... getting settled in my life here in Madison. Taking care of ME. Making ME come first... which believe it or not... is not an easy thing for me. I think it's a mom thing... and a woman thing. For the first time ever I am excited about living this lifestyle with or with out competing... and that is WOW. I'm at a point now where I can't see eating any other way... this is what makes me feel good... connected, in control... and the training just feels right.

I don't know what made things just go CLICK, CLICK... I do thank my trainer Tony DiCostanzo for always being there exactly how and when I needed him. He absolutely would not let me go off the deep end... and now that I'm back on track I see how hard I was forcing falling off. It was making me miserable walking away from my dreams. BTW...The dream is not becoming it's being.

Shake my :)

2009-11-02T10:52:00.001-08:00

Okay so I have to change my game. I can't look back... only forward. So now instead of missing jamming it out in my car on the way to the gym with my Kim... I have to look forward to jamming it out in the car by myself... I have to kick up the excitement of heading to the gym to have a freaking fantastic workout by myself.

Printed off my Dreambodies workout.... ahhhhh my legs are gonna be screaming alllllllll weeek!!! But that won't stop me from Shake'in my :P

Vrooooommmmmm Vrooooommmmmmm ------->>> to the gym I go!

Do over :)

2009-10-29T20:08:00.005-07:00

Okay so I finally had enough shit happen for me to say okay Tina time to wake up and smell the coffee... Time to get your head out of your azz... time to take some action. OMG my anxiety has been through the roof dealing with life... you see it's all just been too much... I've been running from it for a while... "life" because I was afraid if I faced it I would fall apart. I've been thinking something was missing... like okay LOVE.... because I feel like I haven't known what being in love is like for sooo long. So between dating and working and running and being a mom and running away and hitting posts with my brand new car because hell God said enough is enough Tina... if your not going to get it I'm going to make sure you get it!!!!!!!! Because where the hell else would that post come from I swear it wasn't there :)

I had one heck of a Birthday weekend. First of all... Kim really showed my azz up in the gym... damn that lil thing is getting tough... I still think she is way to skinny... but heck she's passing me way up in strength. We had a blast and I made her laugh and laugh... and well she made me laugh even though I had enough stress show up that weekend to last me a life time. All of the great people in my life were there for me... I'm getting through this... I'm going to make it... I'm going to be a better person for it.

All of a sudden a light bulb went off this weekend. All of a sudden things clicked and I realized everything that Tony has been coaching me on... it all clicked. I've been feeling like even though he is calling me and not giving up on me... all the while I'm thinking he doesn't get it... (even though I know he knows that I'm not getting it)... he didn't give up... I think because he knows I'm listening... I'm gonna get it :) Thanks T!!!!!!

I know what I have going on is not the end of the world... there are people out there with a whole lot worse going on... but when you are running from life... when fear is consuming you... it can feel like the end of the world. And every little thing that happens around you can feel like the end of the world. I don't know where it was that I gave up... where it was that I lost my focus and my fire for life. I haven't been able to make the clean eating happen... my workouts haven't been consistant and when I am there I feel like a complete failure the whole time I'm there. I wanted to give up... I was giving up... and the only one to blame is me. I stopped believing in me. I was telling myself I wasn't good enough... by letting others walk on me... btw my whole life... I was saying Tina you are not worthy...

Hello McFly... no one has the right to treat you anyway that you don't let them... you can say no and walk away.... with the lil bootay pop ;)

Okay and then I look at my sweet lil girl. Let me just say... she is just like me... I'm serious... my mom would say Tina you were just like her... you could look outside a situation and say the damndest things that you would never believe would ever come from a childs mouth... and they would always be the truth and so insightful... and I just look at my daughter and say... how did you get so smart just like my mom use to... and I think what happen to that smart Tina. When did she start letting people walk all over her??? She didn't do that when she was a kid. I told my Dad when I was 11 that I never wanted to see him again because I had no use for his alcohol abuse... and he was the master manipulator... but he knew not to even mess with me.

So when???

Why???

How???

And nooooooooo more!!!!!!

I'm taking care of ME!!!!!!

I'm pretty excited... you know when it clicks and you know it... it's clicked... I'm getting me back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She can sue me for posting this... It will be worth it... I find Paulines physique so inspiring... and I love this caption... if that's what it takes... it's on :)

Oh and incase that wasn't enough Pauline... since we never can get enough of her.... Pauline on T-nation

A New Day!!!

2009-10-22T07:40:00.002-07:00

So yesterday was a good day... I had the day off... OMG... I seriously need these next 4 off just to catch up... I've been working a ton of days then picking up on my days off and adding 4 hours to my 8 hour shifts... I'm just trying to pay the bills people... divorce sucks.

So anyhow, thus why I can't keep up. Thus why I grab a sub when I haven't eaten all day because I didn't have the energy to get to the grocery store and cook the food... yeah I do get to the grocery store then end up throwing away the meat cause I say oh I'll get up early and throw it in the crock... Okay I'm stressing you out ain't I... I know... but I have the feeling at times you know too. I use to make this all seem so easy... when did I start making it so rough :) And maybe I wouldn't have to work so much if I actually ate the meat I bought. And yes there is a part of me that says I deserve the sub.. but helloooooooooooo Tina... you really want the azz that comes with that sub???

Gawwwwdddddddddddddd !!!!!

So anyhow there is even more that goes along with how I'm feeling. And here it is all spelled out for you. I started to lose sight of my goals because I was dating and my life style freaks guy's out. All of this, the blog, the competing, they like the body... but I think they think I want to look like Arnold... and okay in my head when I'm lifting I think I am... but I am all lady. I am all girlie, girl... and even though I know better... I do... their voices, their words, play in my head... I know I can't give up me for someone else... I know this...

Gawwwwwwddddddddddd !!!!!

Yeah so here I am a new day... one day as the figure diva under my belt and I feel.........................

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!

I'm learning, growing, changing... and it's so tough not to be me :)

Thanks you for all of your support, guidance, and for following along...

I'll be back... I'm headed to the UP to visit my boy and my Kim... its gym tyme :)

The Chemistry of Competition!!!!

2009-10-21T14:24:00.002-07:00

I've always kind of understood the chemistry behind carb loading and depleting... and oh gawd in just one day I am thrown for a loop on how I can go from grabbing handfuls of material on my scrubs to the next day feeling like I could bust through... somedays I can look really ripped and other days I can look smooth...

I am a nurse... I aced chemistry and nursing which had an emphasis on nutrition. So this stuff really does interest me. However... I was curious to find more information on what causes the vascularity... because I need to start IV's on peeps... and dang I swear nobody has veins like me. I know some of the advantages... but I wanted to see what the actually science is behind vascularity... so I started a search...

Then I landed on this article and I thought I would share the link...The Chemistry of Competition!

After reading it... I'll stick with Tony figuring this all out for me... But I still find it all really interesting... Oh and once I understood the Krebs cycle... I just loved it :) I think I could go back and take Chemistry again... seriously I am such a geek :)