Do ta do...

So I'm off today...and I've spent most of my day looking at bikini's for the Mad City Harley swimsuit calendar photoshoot. Talk about last minute...ugh...atleast I don't have to be competition skinny...cause I'm not...I cut back on the cardio, and I start to soften right up, not that I was ever hard enough. It's okay though...bonus...my noons are back :) Private joke :) Which is such a necessity when your talking swimsuit calendar :) I'm sort of lost right now...I don't know if it's lost...no it's lost. I don't know what I want, where I'm going, just at a crossroads...I was cleaning up my closet, which is such a mess...and I came across my beautiful figure suit, and I instantly burst into tears...because even though I don't admit it to myself...I'm not sure I'm going to compete again. Sometimes I think competing served it's purpose...I want other things.

Did you know I've always dreamed of taking dance lessons...my friend Shelley even reminded me that she was so jealous of me when we were little because I got to take dance lessons and she didn't. Well I quit back then because I overheard my dad saying we couldn't afford it, so I said I didn't want to do it anymore. Flash dance was my favorite movie when I was a kid, I use to sneak downstairs and hide behind the chair and watch it when my parents watched it over and over on showtime. Did you know that Shall we Dance was a Japenese film first...I watched it a million times reading the subtitles before they ever made the Jennifer Lopez, Richard Gere version. I was addicted to Dancing with the Stars, and I love to go out and dance...I begged Mark all the years we were married to take dance lessons with me. I called up the dance companies when I moved to Marquette, but I still couldn't get Mark to do it with me. And here I am....back in Madison...there is a dance company at the gym I belong to right now...and I took home the flyer. Everywhere I turn right now I am reminded that I dream to dance. I'm finally not full-time anymore, so I can probably nail down a class to attend...now I don't have a partner...a little scared to show up without one...but I want to dance again more than anything...I want to get good at it, I want to even get good enough to do some amateur competitions. Yes I love the stage, I love to workout, and make muscle, but really I want to look like a dancer, which isn't far off from a competitor...I'll still work with Tony...that will be forever. But I don't know about the figure stage, I don't know about bikini's...I just don't know.

So that's my secret...you weren't expecting that were you...I wasn't even expecting to say what I wrote, I wasn't expecting to fall into tears when I looked at my suit...but dancing is in my heart...waiting for me to let it out. It's not the only thing I dream...I have lots of dreams and ideas rolling in my head...just waiting for the right time for me to feel ready to let them out. You must remember when I say I'm going to do something...I always do...and this dream is very important to me. So I'm not keeping it to myself anymore. I don't know how I'm going to do it alone...but I'm going to take the first step...I sign up for shifts on Monday and I need to know what days to block out...I'm going to do it. Just you wait and see :) Ha Ha Ha....if you remember way back in my earliest posts...I use to picture my trainer Tony as Tony from "Dances with the Stars" :) LOL....I don't know where that came from :) But it's true, that was the visual I had of Tony in the beginning...I think the Big Guy just scarred me too much...now I know he's just a softy :) And I wonder what he will think of this :) LOL!!

BTW...I've been posting on my Dreambodies blog and not telling you...don't miss out on that...I have more time now...so that's a focus...I want to really dig deep into how I got to where I am over there. It's Hammer time :)