Check out the shoes :)

Oh where to begin....so I got my suits on Wednesday and I was super excited, they looked really sassy on and I was so ready to do this, so I kept doing my thing...cardio in the morning, weights and cardio in the evening...kept the carbs low...really got my head back in the zone. Then I tried on my suits Thursday, I wasn't feeling it, I didn't feel as skinny as the day before, I felt puffy I swear I am so sensitive to stress...because yes I had three days off and my mood was fabulous, I was feeling in the zone, and I go back to work, I'm all rushed and stressed, and pushed to my limits and I get home from work and feel all bloated and puffy, and blahhhhh. I know it's a new job so things will settle down eventually when I get more comfortable....I think...I hope :)

So I have a couple stressful days of work, I've only had 4 days so far off orientation, and you wouldn't believe the things I've seen in the ER, OMG...I wish I could talk about it....oh do I have stories :) But I was at work yesterday and Marissa texted me to say she had something come up and she wasn't going to be able to make it to the swimsuit contest. Now if you remember right she was the only reason I was going to do this once I found out what it was about. So I get done with work and when you are amidst some serious life and death stuff all day it is really hard to walk out and think...time to become a Harley babe...yeah I knew it wasn't happening...but I go. I get there and I am thinking this seriously is not my scene. I mean I love Harley's but I don't drink, and then I saw the majority of the 20 somethings that look the way they do not because they workout insanely and I listened to what these girls eat...OMG...like candy all day long. Personally I'm tooooo thick right now, one day I can look thin and the next I can look puffy...but that's because I have not been doing my cardio, I have not been getting in my meals right....I'm going to get this worked out...I will...but as I was saying...more than half did not have real shape...OMG what I could do for them if I got them in the gym and eating right...but that's a whole nother story :) So anyhow, I didn't make the top 12 for the calendar, which was fine for me, I wasn't the kind of girl they were looking for and I didn't work the stage and the crowd like I would have had to...I didn't work it at all...I wasn't nervous at all, just not into it. So my friend took a few pictures of me by the bikes...I seriously look crabby in every picture, and that wasn't it...I was just exhausted and drained, and trying to lighten up and have fun...but like I said it wasn't happening!!!!

Back to doing my thing, Tony is sending new diet protocols, I'm back to really loving the cardio and the way it makes me feel, my lifting is oh so so, I miss Kim that makes it tough... I cried puddles during my workouts last week, I guess I've had so much change and new, and stress and I'm just finally letting it come forward and it's tough...especially because I am on my own. Everyone keeps telling me I have to embrace where I am right now...but I'm not feeling it yet...I just realized the other day that my identity has been married girl for half of my life....I guess in my head I'm still married girl...I like being married girl...I don't want a bunch of guy's ohhhhhing and ahhhhhing over me...I just want one that treats me like a princess...but I truly wonder if there is a prince out there for me. That's me...a hopeless romantic...love is the only thing I ever wanted...to have someone to love and to be loved in return...I don't need much...but that I need...and I've yet to find it. That's all I want...my prince to take me off into the stars on a Harley :) :) :) Vroom Vroom !!!!!!