Female muscle and the Mind and the Training

Gawww... spending some time on the internet this morning... okay not much time because I have to get to the gym, I way slept in this morning... which btw... I am loving sleep way too much lately and it's cutting into my life. But I must say... I have the most comfortable bed on the planet... I'm lying in it right now as I type and oh I do not want to get up... this is pure heaven :)

However... I have been so on track... things have been feeling really good, but here and there I hear the voices. One minute I want to train like a fierce machine... I want the body and no ones opinion is going to stop me. The next minute I'm scared about losing my boobs again... scared that YES just like Pauline I won't be able to go dress shopping. Trust me when I was at my leanest last year I looked like a boy trying on dresses... it's the lats... I have HUGE lats... granted the dress size I was trying on were 2's and that was nothing.... I have so much more muscle now.

And this brings me to thoughts I was having with a guy friend... he said "You woman can't ever make up your mind :)"

So I'm going to shut up now and go train like I love... maybe even send Tony another e-mail that will make him shake his head... but hey a girls got to get down to what she wants... and I guess I don't know yet... and I guess that's why I have been struggling... vision has to be clear.... HAS TO BE.

Mushrooms, mmmmm

Why didn't I think of this before.... I am a mushroom addict. So I said I was back on track just like before not missing a beat... and I am... nothing can shake me. Back in the gym just like before... Oh I'm not as strong as I use to be, but it's coming back. My diet is 100% on and it feels good and easy and I have to say it's all mental this game of life. No matter what I did I couldn't shake it, I couldn't make things click and work. All I can say is for those of you out there on that carousel where you want to make things happen and you as well can't make things click... you have to start somewhere. You have to go through the motions even if they aren't perfect. You have to face some of the crap in your life that is weighing you down. And let me tell you when you start moving closer and closer in the right direction rather than not moving at all... things will begin to happen. And I knew this because I've said this before... but sometimes knowing and doing are HUGE. You also have to have a clear picture of your goals. That also is HUGE... You also have to have those people in your life that can see YOU better than you can see you when you are running from who you truly are.

Anyhow... back to mushrooms. I don't know what started it but I was at the grocery store and saw the mushrooms so I bought several different varieties, brought them home and fried them up without any oil... just mushrooms and those jars of garlic... put a spoonful of that in the pan and wala.... YUM YUM... it's like having steak and mushrooms minus the steak.... I'm so going to over do this till I never want mushrooms again... but right now I crave nothing more. I also went to ALDI never been to one before but I'm trying to be more thrifty... I may never go again because of the checkout nazi, I never saw someone throw your crap in a cart so fast and get so pushy to move you along... Hello I can not be rushed. However they did have these butterfly fish in the shell that were marinated in garlic and some other things... I read the ingredients and there was nothing bad in there and OMG I don't remember if they were very thrifty but ohhhhh were they good. And I also got some thai orange talapia... OMG would have been so good but not with talapia I do not know how you people eat that fish... no matter where I've had it I can't stand it so there you have it a food I met that I do not love... do not like YUCK!

So anyhow things are good. I'm excited about competing again next year.... I don't think anything national but maybe a big show. I'm going to save nationals for the year after. Next year is about bringing my mind and body together... getting settled in my life here in Madison. Taking care of ME. Making ME come first... which believe it or not... is not an easy thing for me. I think it's a mom thing... and a woman thing. For the first time ever I am excited about living this lifestyle with or with out competing... and that is WOW. I'm at a point now where I can't see eating any other way... this is what makes me feel good... connected, in control... and the training just feels right.

I don't know what made things just go CLICK, CLICK... I do thank my trainer Tony DiCostanzo for always being there exactly how and when I needed him. He absolutely would not let me go off the deep end... and now that I'm back on track I see how hard I was forcing falling off. It was making me miserable walking away from my dreams. BTW...The dream is not becoming it's being.

Shake my :)

Okay so I have to change my game. I can't look back... only forward. So now instead of missing jamming it out in my car on the way to the gym with my Kim... I have to look forward to jamming it out in the car by myself... I have to kick up the excitement of heading to the gym to have a freaking fantastic workout by myself.



Printed off my Dreambodies workout.... ahhhhh my legs are gonna be screaming alllllllll weeek!!! But that won't stop me from Shake'in my :P

Vrooooommmmmm Vrooooommmmmmm ------->>> to the gym I go!

Do over :)

Okay so I finally had enough shit happen for me to say okay Tina time to wake up and smell the coffee... Time to get your head out of your azz... time to take some action. OMG my anxiety has been through the roof dealing with life... you see it's all just been too much... I've been running from it for a while... "life" because I was afraid if I faced it I would fall apart. I've been thinking something was missing... like okay LOVE.... because I feel like I haven't known what being in love is like for sooo long. So between dating and working and running and being a mom and running away and hitting posts with my brand new car because hell God said enough is enough Tina... if your not going to get it I'm going to make sure you get it!!!!!!!! Because where the hell else would that post come from I swear it wasn't there :)

I had one heck of a Birthday weekend. First of all... Kim really showed my azz up in the gym... damn that lil thing is getting tough... I still think she is way to skinny... but heck she's passing me way up in strength. We had a blast and I made her laugh and laugh... and well she made me laugh even though I had enough stress show up that weekend to last me a life time. All of the great people in my life were there for me... I'm getting through this... I'm going to make it... I'm going to be a better person for it.

All of a sudden a light bulb went off this weekend. All of a sudden things clicked and I realized everything that Tony has been coaching me on... it all clicked. I've been feeling like even though he is calling me and not giving up on me... all the while I'm thinking he doesn't get it... (even though I know he knows that I'm not getting it)... he didn't give up... I think because he knows I'm listening... I'm gonna get it :) Thanks T!!!!!!

I know what I have going on is not the end of the world... there are people out there with a whole lot worse going on... but when you are running from life... when fear is consuming you... it can feel like the end of the world. And every little thing that happens around you can feel like the end of the world. I don't know where it was that I gave up... where it was that I lost my focus and my fire for life. I haven't been able to make the clean eating happen... my workouts haven't been consistant and when I am there I feel like a complete failure the whole time I'm there. I wanted to give up... I was giving up... and the only one to blame is me. I stopped believing in me. I was telling myself I wasn't good enough... by letting others walk on me... btw my whole life... I was saying Tina you are not worthy...

Hello McFly... no one has the right to treat you anyway that you don't let them... you can say no and walk away.... with the lil bootay pop ;)

Okay and then I look at my sweet lil girl. Let me just say... she is just like me... I'm serious... my mom would say Tina you were just like her... you could look outside a situation and say the damndest things that you would never believe would ever come from a childs mouth... and they would always be the truth and so insightful... and I just look at my daughter and say... how did you get so smart just like my mom use to... and I think what happen to that smart Tina. When did she start letting people walk all over her??? She didn't do that when she was a kid. I told my Dad when I was 11 that I never wanted to see him again because I had no use for his alcohol abuse... and he was the master manipulator... but he knew not to even mess with me.

So when???

Why???

How???

And nooooooooo more!!!!!!

I'm taking care of ME!!!!!!

I'm pretty excited... you know when it clicks and you know it... it's clicked... I'm getting me back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She can sue me for posting this... It will be worth it... I find Paulines physique so inspiring... and I love this caption... if that's what it takes... it's on :)

Oh and incase that wasn't enough Pauline... since we never can get enough of her.... Pauline on T-nation

A New Day!!!

So yesterday was a good day... I had the day off... OMG... I seriously need these next 4 off just to catch up... I've been working a ton of days then picking up on my days off and adding 4 hours to my 8 hour shifts... I'm just trying to pay the bills people... divorce sucks.

So anyhow, thus why I can't keep up. Thus why I grab a sub when I haven't eaten all day because I didn't have the energy to get to the grocery store and cook the food... yeah I do get to the grocery store then end up throwing away the meat cause I say oh I'll get up early and throw it in the crock... Okay I'm stressing you out ain't I... I know... but I have the feeling at times you know too. I use to make this all seem so easy... when did I start making it so rough :) And maybe I wouldn't have to work so much if I actually ate the meat I bought. And yes there is a part of me that says I deserve the sub.. but helloooooooooooo Tina... you really want the azz that comes with that sub???

Gawwwwdddddddddddddd !!!!!

So anyhow there is even more that goes along with how I'm feeling. And here it is all spelled out for you. I started to lose sight of my goals because I was dating and my life style freaks guy's out. All of this, the blog, the competing, they like the body... but I think they think I want to look like Arnold... and okay in my head when I'm lifting I think I am... but I am all lady. I am all girlie, girl... and even though I know better... I do... their voices, their words, play in my head... I know I can't give up me for someone else... I know this...

Gawwwwwwddddddddddd !!!!!

Yeah so here I am a new day... one day as the figure diva under my belt and I feel.........................

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!

I'm learning, growing, changing... and it's so tough not to be me :)

Thanks you for all of your support, guidance, and for following along...

I'll be back... I'm headed to the UP to visit my boy and my Kim... its gym tyme :)

The Chemistry of Competition!!!!

I've always kind of understood the chemistry behind carb loading and depleting... and oh gawd in just one day I am thrown for a loop on how I can go from grabbing handfuls of material on my scrubs to the next day feeling like I could bust through... somedays I can look really ripped and other days I can look smooth...

I am a nurse... I aced chemistry and nursing which had an emphasis on nutrition. So this stuff really does interest me. However... I was curious to find more information on what causes the vascularity... because I need to start IV's on peeps... and dang I swear nobody has veins like me. I know some of the advantages... but I wanted to see what the actually science is behind vascularity... so I started a search...

Then I landed on this article and I thought I would share the link...The Chemistry of Competition!

After reading it... I'll stick with Tony figuring this all out for me... But I still find it all really interesting... Oh and once I understood the Krebs cycle... I just loved it :) I think I could go back and take Chemistry again... seriously I am such a geek :)

The struggle!!!

I'm just going to put it all out there AGAIN!!!!! I am struggling. And since this is my blog.... and it's my thoughts... perfect or not... I need to come here again to figure things out.

I know what I need to do.

But why won't I do it?

And on a whole other note...

I've been thinking about deleting my blog... WHY? First of all I don't have time for it anymore... it's not that it is not important to me... it's just that I don't have time... I am a mom, and a nurse these days and that's it, there is not much left of me to be anything more. <------- that is freaking frustrating the H E double toothpick out of me. Because I know I can squeeze more out of me... I've done it before... I feel better when I'm doing it.

But why won't I?

Aaaaand...

Here is the answer...

I'm really struggling with just being me.

That's the word today... this is where I'm at....

I hope to turn this around. I pray for the strength everyday. Pray for the answers...

And then I know I need to get my ass to the gym ------> C'ya

Recipes Anyone???

I need to be reminded of some creative things to do with my food... the cravings are setting in... I think cause it's getting cold out. Remind me of some of your favorite BFL recipes... my mom still has my cookbook...gawwwwwwwwwwww. Also the weird things you do with your food... like the favorite protein cupcake.... or Stacey's frosting... or mmmm me love glutamine on my cold chicken with a little flax... or the fish fried up in a small amount of coconut oil and then wilt some spinach in the pan and top with at touch of balsamic vinegar. Ohhhhh and did you see the different flavors of rice vinegar... like the pomegranate and blueberry... okay I swear I am the only vinegar nut that loves vinegar on everything... seriously almost everything... so when I saw these I was jumping for joy. Or how about making taco meat out of Jenni O lean turkey and Mrs. Dash mexican seasoning, and then make some lettuce wrapped tacos with just a touch of hot sauce and tomato and sour cream. See all I need to do is talk about the food I love...that is also good for me... on plan and I get all excited!!! Why food is so powerful... I do not know...

But I'm off to cook and then it's gym tyme to make up a workout I missed when I chose sleep :)

Giving Thanks

So I had already been at work for 4 hours this morning when my boss came in and said "Did you see that letter I left for you in your box???" My body instantly tensed up... fear rang through... now what did I not do :) Seriously... I never check that thing because it's always filled with audits that are sooooooo stupid... "You forgot stop times on your IV's" Come on people the IV got stopped... I took care of the patient... what about that??? Does anyone care about that??? Yeah if you are a nurse you know exactly what I mean :) But it's okay because everyday when my patients leave out that door... I leave them with all I've got... and I think when I see there faces and feel their energy... I think... wow this is an amazing job... and I might just be good at it... the world needs me :)

So anyhow I reluctantly go to my box at my bosses urging. I open my box and there is a card, and the front of the card is addressed to the redhead on night shift with the great big smile. Okay... I was already crying when I read that. I was... that goes deep for me. So I open the card and it's snoopy on the front... I open it and there is this long letter of thanks...

The patient expresses that he had just recently lost his father, and here he was himself in the ER... and I remember him. He states, you were there and I instantly felt your overwhelming confidence and calmness... I instantly knew I was in the right place... you made me feel everything was going to be okay...

He goes on and I don't remember all of it... my boss took the letter to brag to administration... because it is a very special letter. He ends it by saying...They wheeled me away, you ran up behind me to stop them and wish me well... your smile and sincerity gave me hope...

OMG... I wept like you wouldn't believe... this really meant the world to me... this letter...
Because how many times in our lives do we think... wow that person did something that meant the world to me... and yet we never take the time to tell them...

I know I am so guilty. Funny thing... and this is no lie...
On the way to work at 2:30 that morning... there was a fire truck going down the road...
And my mind went to the time we had lost our home to a fire. The kids were 3 and 5, Mark had a year left of college, it was summer, he had lost his job in the winter. I was supporting us on a department store department managers position. We didn't have much...

I was driving and thinking about how grateful I was for the fire department, they came and presented us with a check to pay the deductible on our house insurance... I remember at the time that meant a lot. And I always meant to give thanks... I always meant to write them and tell them how much it meant to me to have such a wonderful fire department full of amazing fire fighters... fire fighters that give from their heart... and I never did. I think about it often, but I never did...

And I think maybe this happening... me thinking that... I don't know does that mean I should take the time now to give thanks... or maybe it's okay because I'm giving back... I give back everyday... and wow... what I get back... whether they tell me or not... I know... who I am... and being true to who I am... they need...

Let me be Myself

So that's where I'm at right now... this is the work I'm doing... one day at a time... and I posted on my DIVA blog. http://dreambodiesdivatina.blogspot.com Workouts have been intense... eating is on track... water is a work in progress... mind is getting there... heart is always there... body well that's what were in this for... alway getting better... what would Tony say... bigger, leaner, harder, stronger.... or something like that :) Really we had a chat the other day... that man is amazing... he really knows where my head is at... I even think he knows exactly when I'm ready to hear what I need to hear next... I wish I could have recorded everything he said to me... he was right about everything... he hit the nail on the head... gave me some tough love instructions... well I want to tell you about this... because it's like when you have one of those ahhhhh....haaaaaa moments when you know everything is going to be alright... but really you had to be there... actually more than alright...

IT'S going TO be GRAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!